Coping with daughter’s verbal abuse

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am a 78 year old woman living with my 80 year old husband of 43 years. I have been estranged from my 56 year old daughter for most of her adult life. She has been diagnosed with BPD for many years but has only lately come to accept this diagnosis. Periodically she tries to reconnect with me but it never works out. Within a week or or so she gets triggered by something that I say and cuts off all contact after spewing many hateful things to me. She describes my past behavior in ways that I simply do not recognize; this shakes me to the core. I feel that I need to set boundaries so that she won’t do this to me again. But I can’t figure out how to do that.

[AMAYA123]

I am a 78 year old woman living with my 80 year old husband of 43 years. I have been estranged from my 56 year old daughter for most of her adult life. She has been diagnosed with BPD for many years but has only lately come to accept this diagnosis. Periodically she tries to reconnect with me but it never works out. Within a week or or so she gets triggered by something that I say and cuts off all contact after spewing many hateful things to me. She describes my past behavior in ways that I simply do not recognize; this shakes me to the core. I feel that I need to set boundaries so that she won’t do this to me again. But I can’t figure out how to do that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!
Yes, this is very familiar- you are not alone!  One hing I have done earlier this year is have his calls go to voicemail.  That gives me a space , and a buffer to gauge what his mood is, etc. As parents we are almost programmed to pick up the phone when we see it's them .  Could not answering the phone right away be a small step for you ?   If I am way off base here, please as you are able, give more detail

She is accepting her diagnosis, that is something positive, though.  However, that doesn't mean you have to listen to her verbal aggression. 

[Huat]

Hello AMAYA123

Let me join Swimmy55 in welcoming you here.

Have to say, you and I have a lot in common...all concerned are the same age...husbands/daughters/you/me. 

We, too, have been estranged from our daughter many, many times over the years...this current period is 4 years in length.  The one difference is that your daughter has been officially diagnosed while ours has not...but all the check marks are there.  She has seen many counsellors over the years with her focus on the people in her life (mainly me, her Mom) who make her life hell.  Seems as soon as the mirror is turned on her, she moves on to another counsellor until...

In my previous posts I have talked about my fear of her escalating verbal abuse turning to possible physical abuse.  In my younger years I never heard the words that come from her now.   I am working on putting safe-guards in place...just in case.  While those are MY fears, my story is my story, your story is your story.

I think for starters Swimmy55 has given you some good suggestions.  Of course, in real-time or listening to her angry words on voice mail, it is hurtful to hear.  I won't listen anymore.  Mind you, with our daughter, her slams have pretty well always been the written word.  It used to be pages and pages of letters.  Now it is long emails.  It is my choice...do I read/listen...or not.   So, once I start to read and I get a sense of what is coming...they are not read...nor do I respond to them.  I used to but then found it just added fuel to her fire and they kept coming. 

I am glad you found us, AMAYA123.  I hope you end up staying.  Write as much or as little...come on at anytime 24/7.  Part of my (ongoing) healing has been the pouring out of my heart and my hurts in this forum then getting responses...others letting me know I am being heard...my feelings validated.

((HUGS) to you... ...from Huat