First signs of problems as a child? Adult Child BPD

[Pomsie]

Dear members,
I would like to know when you first noticed something wrong with your child? I am wondering if there are early signs of BPD in some children. At what age did you first notice something was wrong, and what were the symptoms? Thank you!

My story of my daughter,
My daughter was raised in a peaceful and loving home with no abuse, stress or problems. I was single, going to college for my degree in biology, and she started in private schools at 5, then a lovely public school, and was very happy and well balanced. She is now 33 and in therapy and finally showing slight improvement from her BPD. She first started showing signs of very odd behavior in second and third grade. Enough to make us get a full psychological evaluation when she was only 6. The results were that she had OCD and ADD. (Not ADHD). She was doing such very odd things in school. She was playing teachers against us, lying, hiding her homework, but doing other kids homework. Problems continued until she was in 6th grade, when the doctors had her on Ritalin for the ADD. She excelled that year, testing 90th percentile and graduating 6th grade with a presidential award. When she was moved to her middle school, her behavior suddenly changed for the worse. I had also worked her off Ritalin as there were so many reports about it being bad to use. By 7th grade she was having serious problems again, lying, stealing, wanting to dye her hair black and go “goth”. Of course no kids did this in her school at that age. She joined the choir for two years and that seemed to snap her back to a good place, she had a ball, was social, and happy. When she went to high school is when she was on an emotional roller coaster. We had her in counseling. After two years we moved her to a nicer, more peaceful high school, and she did well until she turned 16, which is about the time we “lost” her. She got sick so fast right before her 16th birthday, and was so severely sick it was traumatic. She became severely anorexic. She started to drink alcohol (hiding it in her room and she was getting it from a friend who was leaving it outside for her). She was eating weird things, acting really strange. We had her in eating disorder groups before she was 17, and a panel of six psychiatrists at Kaiser all felt she was BPD. This was when I first heard this. We did all we could to help her but she was very ill and angry and the day after her 18th birthday she left with a really bad guy. From that point until now, almost 15 years, her life has been chaos. One horrid man after another. Eating disorders, drinking, moved to a bad part of town, wrecked cars, and gave up for adoption my Beautiful granddaughter. I didn't find out until three months after she had her and gave her up.  That was 8 years ago. I think Covid saved her life. She had to stop working and stay home, and as I did every chance I could since she got sick, I offered to pay for her to get help. She finally said yes and she is doing a bit better. She was so anorexic when Covid hit, I think she might have died if she was not forced to quit working and stay home.
So now she is starting to talk about all those years since she was little and it got me wondering if anyone had symptoms they noticed early on?
Thank you, Pomsie

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Pomsie,
 good post and I am glad your daughter is accepting help.  To answer your question, in retrospect I did see " odd" things starting when my son was in second- third grade.  Something was off.  Depression I think?  He never went out to play, he didn't play a lot with his toys.  He didn't even open gifts.  He fell to pieces when we moved house when he was around 8 , although I managed to have him go into the same school.  He could not adapt to change of any sort, even then.  By 4th grade he had a dx of OCD, as he took forever to do homework, classwork.  The teacher noticed something was off and we all met with school psychologists.  Well, it just went worse from there.  You can click onto my name to read more back story. 
However , at the time, who could have thought " odd" would turn into all this?

[Cobra Jet]

Yes, my daughter was always obsessive and very sensitive from an early age.  Her grades were always good because it came so easy for her without studying.  Any comment from me, no matter how innocent, would bring “what did you mean by that” or “what is wrong with my so-and-so” which was usually her clothes, her hair, or something along those lines.  Then with the onset of puberty, she became anorexic and received professional counseling and care.  Then came the bulimia and severe clinical depression.  It was so horrible for her and our entire family.  She was born in 1979 before the term “personality disorder” was brought into play.  She is now 41 and still struggling.  She went through a marriage but left her husband after almost ten years.  Her instability, impulsiveness, promiscuity, and reckless behavior continues and keeps all of us in our close-knit family terribly worried and upset.  She works in our family business because she cannot keep a job anywhere else.  Although close to brilliant with a very high IQ, she is almost an idiot.  Does anyone else understand what I mean by this?  It breaks our hearts but it has been especially hard on her sister and her father.  I have learned emotional distancing, although difficult, it is the only way I can cope.  Anyone else out there with suggestions on coping?

[mggt]

I think I noticed prob around 4 or five. Right before kindergarten. She was always a difficult child. Since birth. Coloicky. Never could self soothe. Never slept well. Could tell there was something off. Not quite sure how to put into words. But being a mom you know something isn’t right. Had hard time making keeping friends. Still does to this day. Picking the wrong crowd. Especially boys and now men since she is older. Meeting someone for 2  minutes and swearing they are her best friends.

She’s been in some sort of therapy since age 8. Now in her late 20s. Three kids. Three different fathers. We all adore them. But she never seems to learn. This a very common theme among bpds. Also she was adopted at 5 days old. We showered her with love affection. As both our families did. So who knows. I strongly believe it is hereditary. We know how she was raised what we did.  What we didn’t do. It’s maddening to watch your child unfold over and over again. Not sure if our experience helped. But this has been our experience god bless.  Sending hugs. And mostly. Understanding

[Pomsie]

Thank you everyone. I seems our stories are similar. What makes me angry looking back is that several doctors thought my daughter had personality disorders at 14-15. But they said it was too early to diagnose, and instead just said she had OCD, ADD, eatings disorders, addictions, I mean REALLY! She could have started DBT therapy and possibly got some help. The loss of my grandaughter was the worst. I have seen photos and she looks just like me. But the early diagnosis was also so much like the kids mentioned here. My daughter was also gifted and so smart, but cant function still at 33. It is heartbreaking.

[Swimmy55]

Very heartbreaking indeed.
However, usually the psychs don't diagnose personality disorders in minors.  It has to do with the growing/ hormonal brain I believe.  My son also went through a myriad of diagnoses through out his tweens/teens / early adulthood.  You did what you could under the system that exists.