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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Anyone else internalise the accusations?  (Read 448 times)
shootingstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 5


« on: August 30, 2020, 12:38:19 AM »

I have been in a bad way the last two days - crying a lot, seeing myself through a lens of failure. I feel this relationship has broken me. Did anyone else, after the break up (nearly 7 weeks ago for me), find they have internalised all the constant criticisms, accusations (even false) that their pwPBD sent their way?

That’s where I’m at - I have internalised it all. And at the same time, I still minimise her faults and see the “good” (because when it was good it was wonderful) and how could I give that up? It feels so maddening, the thought loops now of what I have internalised, as well as this nightmare of focussing on the good, minimising what was abusive/toxic etc.

She was halfway through the DBT course (semi-diagnosed about 6 months into our nearly 1 year relationship) but ironically in the lead up to that halfway point it felt like things were going backwards. Particularly her treatment of me. I just felt like I became a hysterical mess from all the eggshells and accusations and then she could act all rational and go “it’s you that’s the problem”. Alongside this, she kept saying I just needed to keep going until the DBT course ended, and I even now keep thinking, “why didn’t I stick it out?” Should I have kept going? I don’t even think DBT is the silver bullet cure entirely. She was highly functional in her life,  except I was her first proper relationship in 15 years (none of friends knew this).

I am seeing a psychologist to help me heal, learn and unpack why I stayed (trauma bond, caretaker/fixer tendencies) but the last 2 days have by far been the worse since we broke up.

Just reaching out as it helps to know this isn’t just me.
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Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 219


« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2020, 10:22:11 AM »

Definitely not just you. Many many of us feel your pain. It’s real. It’s debilitating. It does lessen though. Give yourself a break. This stuff is hard! Try to take care of yourself, that sounds quant but it’s very easy to not do the simple things to stay healthy.
 
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sarah jane

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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2020, 12:59:52 PM »

Oh yes, this is probably where I am at the minute.

Spoke to a friend yesterday for the first time and she stopped me at one point and said ‘you’re explaining/Apologising for these things and they are just 1. Not even a problem 2. Not your fault.

Hate the way she has messed with my sense of self. Hate that I’m crying - and I can even hear her voice chastising me for crying (which I never do, just felt so completely broken by the arguments we had)

I’ve been saving screenshots of helpful quotes to remember and sections of the material in the info on this site to read through when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Also doing ALL the jobs around the house to keep myself busy /occupied so at least I’m being a bit productive. But yes so so hard...
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FindingMe2011
a.k.a. *BeenThereB4*
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2020, 01:36:58 PM »

I don’t even think DBT is the silver bullet cure entirely.

Its not and just a tool to try and curb perception. It appears to be never ending from where I stand.

I have been in a bad way the last two days - crying a lot, seeing myself through a lens of failure. I feel this relationship has broken me.

The roller coaster ride. expect it...The same lens you have always looked through to some degree. Investigate it, its false...You are not broken, just shattered picking up the pieces to move on. Maybe this time investigate this pain, not fearing it so much. You have been here before. Better days await.

She was highly functional in her life,

This creates more issues. Combine with good looks, and the illness continues to be validated. Its a longer path for her than most, I presume.

I am seeing a psychologist to help me heal, learn and unpack why I stayed (trauma bond, caretaker/fixer tendencies)

Good for you, and good luck, I wish you well, Peace
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3519



« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2020, 06:46:57 PM »

Brother, a ton. I don’t want to get to mad on you. Have you thought about your childhood at all?
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
shootingstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 5


« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2020, 02:55:25 AM »

Thank you all for the messages. I suppose it is just one day at a time, facing this personally and with a professional, and also finding outlets for distraction to avoid the thought loops.

I am working with a psychologist know
To understand the origins to stop it from ever happening again. I do think I stayed because of the incredible highs (minimising the lows), how she seemed to have it together and importantly those patterns that were re-activated from my childhood/teenage years of caretaking/fixing someone with a mental health matter (flashbacks to my mother).

I will keep moving forward, I hope.
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shootingstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 5


« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2020, 02:59:16 AM »

Oh yes, this is probably where I am at the minute.

Spoke to a friend yesterday for the first time and she stopped me at one point and said ‘you’re explaining/Apologising for these things and they are just 1. Not even a problem 2. Not your fault.

Hate the way she has messed with my sense of self. Hate that I’m crying - and I can even hear her voice chastising me for crying (which I never do, just felt so completely broken by the arguments we had)

I’ve been saving screenshots of helpful quotes to remember and sections of the material in the info on this site to read through when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Also doing ALL the jobs around the house to keep myself busy /occupied so at least I’m being a bit productive. But yes so so hard...

Yes totally - re questioning your sense of self. I am shocked at
How increasingly this seeped into my mental health space and progressively made me feel so anxious (so much more so than usual) and sad... and yes I can also hear my ex and her voice in my head from those moments when spilt on me / filling up her basket with grievances about me as she once called it.

Completely agree with keeping occupied. I just signed up for strength training today because I so need something to focus on to distract myself that is physical.

Hope you are finding a way through this, slowly.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6119


« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2020, 10:03:40 AM »

Hey shootingstar, Your task is to let the criticism roll off your back.  It's typical for a pwBPD to attempt to shift the blame to the Non, which gets it off his/her plate.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  In other words, don't internalize the accusations.  Instead, let them die on the vine.  You didn't do anything wrong, so don't beat yourself up!  Put yourself first for a change.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 219


« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2020, 10:29:39 PM »

Hey lucky jim I like your saying!
Good advice. 
I’m getting nonsense emails from separated wife and gritting my teeth but not biting.
Thanks for the reinforcement
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #9 on: September 02, 2020, 09:37:19 AM »

You're welcome, Goosey.  Glad if my "saying" helped you!  Suggest you continue to hold your ground.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
daze507
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 165


« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2020, 02:17:51 PM »

Funny that after 2 years and 6 months after discard, I almost forgot the face of my ex but I still hear her voice in my mind like it was yesterday, it's like having a recording in my brain. I remember each and every word.
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Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 219


« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2020, 02:40:17 PM »

I can imagine seeing my “future” ex. She would look great but her eyes would be like a shark.
  I had to communicate with her via email yesterday about health care payment. She won’t pay any of it (of course) so I just payed it for both finally. Gotta keep coverage because well that’s being responsible. (Working on plan b)
  Of course all I got in acknowledgement was the usual slam of how I am scum.
  The one comment leaped  out at me. She said “you never loved me or will understand me”.
  Yup that one is right out of a page on “walking on eggshells”.
I did sarcastically correct her because she has repetitively said “after 25 years of marriage”. Well we got married when she was 5 months pregnant and our daughter just turned 21! So wtf!
I couldn’t help myself but got no response back.
  Just need to get this divorce done! Then I will have to grapple with controlling myself if she pokes me anymore because I won’t feel the need to restrain how I really feel about her lying cheating robbing slandering twisting demented behavior.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6119


« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2020, 03:06:47 PM »

Excerpt
I had to communicate with her via email yesterday about health care payment. She won’t pay any of it (of course) so I just payed it for both finally. Gotta keep coverage because well that’s being responsible. (Working on plan b) Of course all I got in acknowledgement was the usual slam of how I am scum.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Goosey: As Clare Boothe Luce said, "No good deed goes unpunished"!  I find this quote particularly apt in the context of BPD.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Shootingstar: Sorry to hijack your thread for a minute there.  How are you holding up?  Suggest you treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Goosey
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 219


« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2020, 03:28:13 PM »

Ya not “sad” in grieve today. (Maybe later haha.)
Right now “it is what it is”.
Just want to learn to state. “Good day, I said Good Day!”
Polite but dismissive.
Be gone!
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zachira
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 2086


« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2020, 06:37:49 PM »

You are not alone in internalizing the unfair accusations. For so many of us, this is one of the biggest challenges in healing from a breakup from a dysfunctional relationship. Crying as many times as you need to until you no longer feel sad is a big step in healing. You are able to cry unlike many people who either stuff their emotions or get angry which just continues the suffering of hearing over and over again in their minds the unfair accusations. You have a therapist which is another big step in healing. A good therapist can help you separate your feelings from those of your former partner, and get to the point where you own the feelings that genuinely belong to you, and do not internalize the hurtful words and actions of your former partner.
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