If it walks like a duck...

[FloatOn]

Generally speaking, you can't know someone has BPD without a formal diagnosis from a mental health professional. However, often someone can show BPD like behavior without a diagnosis.

Healthy people can change if they learn from their mistakes and have self-introspection. People with personality disorders generally cannot, without long-term professional help.

So, what do you do if you love someone, suspect they have BPD but don't know? What should the criteria be to say "I think this person is disordered and I gotta get out, even though I love them"? What if they show insight and the ability to acknowledge their behavior... but it seems like they repeat the same mistakes (with slightly different circumstances, that they somewhat plausibly use as an excuse)? When should you give up?

This is related to the concept of trauma bonding. Sometimes the screwed up push and pull can bond you to someone that isn't healthy, so it's harder to get away even if you know something isn't right.

So what do you do if you suspect someone has BPD, but don't know, and are waffling on whether they can/will improve or not?

[formflier]

So what do you do if you suspect someone has BPD, but don't know, and are waffling on whether they can/will improve or not?

I would recommend that you watch carefully over a long period of time.  That way you can evaluate longer term trends, vice flash of the pan stuff.

How are you sorting out what you are going to do?

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi.

I agree with the point FF made about observation. The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If there has been talk of getting help, treatment, seeking ways of addressing personal issues etc, yet no movement on any of them...that may be an indicator that the person is just not ready and/or willing. Will they ever be? Well, we just don't know. Even some people with personality disorders do eventually demonstrate a willingness to receive help; conversely, some people without personality disorders remain in denial without the degree of self-awareness it takes to honestly confront issues in treatment.

If you see patterns repeating over and over with no movement towards making efforts to change these dysfunctional or destructive patterns, it may be time to make decisions that protect you regardless of what the other person does or does not do.

[Ozzie101]

Wise words from FF and Redeemed. It’s a hard decision to make and very specific to each situation.

In my case, my H has a definite pattern, which leads to anxiety and even occasional despair on my part. Yet, he seems genuinely concerned and aware of his problems and has made repeated attempts to get help. (He has not been diagnosed, by the way.)

So, I am in a watch and wait stage, encouraging him to continue his attempts to get better and very watchful of any signs he’s being insincere, etc. If I chose, instead, to cut my losses and end the marriage, that would also be a reasonable action on my part.

We each have to do what feels right for us and our situations — not always an easy thing, I know.

[Cat Familiar]

My suggestion is that since you’re at this point having serious concerns, and I’m not sure how invested you already are, it seems reasonable to be very cautious about deepening the relationship on any level.

[formflier]

  be very cautious about deepening the relationship on any level.

Especially because we know...we know that BPD "manifests" itself in the most intimate of relationships.

So..less intimacy = less BPDish stuff.

more intimacy = more BPDish stuff.

So...it would be wise to put some distance (emotional distance) in and then keep observing.  I think you will learn a lot.

Best,

FF