Trying to avoid getting sucked into the guilt vortex

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, H is now attending community college. I guess he sensed that I was on my very last nerve and tried to do something to take the edge off. I still want to make a plan to end things because I'm still not happy and he's still harassing me with political stuff all day, every day. I mean, non-stop text messages and whenever we're in the same room together, he always says, "Did you hear about..." and goes on to tell me whatever political update his side has produced. He was saying some pretty horrible, violent stuff in bed last night that made me sick to my stomach. It's stressing me out so much and I just want to be free.

But then, of course, the guilt is pulling at me. He got his mom to pay for this first semester at school. If he does well, she'll continue to pay. He says he's trying to focus on school and all. It makes me think, "If I try to kick him out, he won't finish school and he'll blame it on me because he'll have nowhere to go." I know that's lame and it's not up to me to get him to finish school. But, I have to feel the feelings and dissect them, right? I'm even going so far as to think that maybe I can go stay with my parents for a bit in Florida, but to do that, I'll need to get my car fixed so that it can make the trip. This costs money and I'm short right now. It's not the most convenient thing for me to do, but at least I'd be away from him. At the very least, I think I need to do this before and during the election because there's no telling how he might be, whatever the outcome.

Why do I still put his needs over mine? It's really disturbing how I do that. I guess that's what I've really come here to heal though. Sigh.

[WitzEndWife]

So, H is now attending community college. I guess he sensed that I was on my very last nerve and tried to do something to take the edge off. I still want to make a plan to end things because I'm still not happy and he's still harassing me with political stuff all day, every day. I mean, non-stop text messages and whenever we're in the same room together, he always says, "Did you hear about..." and goes on to tell me whatever political update his side has produced. He was saying some pretty horrible, violent stuff in bed last night that made me sick to my stomach. It's stressing me out so much and I just want to be free.

But then, of course, the guilt is pulling at me. He got his mom to pay for this first semester at school. If he does well, she'll continue to pay. He says he's trying to focus on school and all. It makes me think, "If I try to kick him out, he won't finish school and he'll blame it on me because he'll have nowhere to go." I know that's lame and it's not up to me to get him to finish school. But, I have to feel the feelings and dissect them, right? I'm even going so far as to think that maybe I can go stay with my parents for a bit in Florida, but to do that, I'll need to get my car fixed so that it can make the trip. This costs money and I'm short right now. It's not the most convenient thing for me to do, but at least I'd be away from him. At the very least, I think I need to do this before and during the election because there's no telling how he might be, whatever the outcome.

Why do I still put his needs over mine? It's really disturbing how I do that. I guess that's what I've really come here to heal though. Sigh.

[Cat Familiar]

What I learned when I ended my first marriage is that I had to make peace with myself, knowing that I would be blamed for being a “bad person” for ending the marriage.

Wanting to be seen in a good light by an abusive partner is a trap that can keep us stuck in intolerable situations.

[I Am Redeemed]

Good insight from Cat. I fell into the trap of making decisions based on how my now-ex would perceive them, and still do with some people in some situations. Something I am working on in therapy.

You want to manage his perspective while still attending to your needs. That doesn't always go hand in hand, so you default to altering your decisions based on how he will perceive them. That means your needs fall by the wayside.

If he is truly committed to college, he will keep going no matter what happens. When I left my abusive marriage following a severe assault by my ex (who was in a state of psychosis) my college advisor asked me if I wanted to take a semester off. I said "no way". I had wasted enough time and didn't want to waste any more.

If he really wants to continue his classes, he will do so whether you are together or not. If he doesn't, then maybe he really isn't invested in it that much. His choices are not your responsibility.

[Notwendy]

Why do you put his needs before yours?

It's a good question, maybe some childhood conditioning? I know that is the source of mine. And it's your money as well. My father earned the income and yet, didn't spend money on himself. My mother seems to have no concern over how much she spends. He would buy clothes at a budget store. Hers are designer.

I took that idea into my own marriage. It's not at the degree of my parents, but I still tend to look for things on sale and don't feel comfortable spending money on just me.

For me, it's a combination of working on self worth as well as not wanting to behave like my mother does. It's also part co-dependency- not wanting to rock the boat. But you need a working and safe car- whether you visit your parents or use it for any other reason- work, trips, going to the store. If you keep driving it when it needs work, it might need more repairs later. So it seems reasonable to put the money into your car to keep it available. I wonder if you are somehow keeping yourself "stuck" by not repairing it, making it harder for you to leave if you want to. Is there some fear in fixing it?

I think it's worth looking into why you feel this way, as it's probably driving your behavior in this relationship.  It really is your H's responsibility to pursue this education, not yours, and he has to be intrinsically motivated to do so. What seems more plausible is that he is doing this to keep the status quo and not be on his own - an external motivation. We have those too- taking a class to earn a degree to get a better job is also external- but still, it needs to be for his own reasons.

If his mother came through for his tuition, can he move in with her if you choose to pursue your plans?

[formflier]

So...there are some broad things in your relationship that are issues and some specific things.

He seems to be attempting to "fix" a specific thing.  The school part.

He doesn't seem to be addressing the vile political stuff.

Many marriages survive or even thrive when there is agreement to not share differing views.

I would challenge you to consider how you communicated with him about him going to school/getting job and all that.


How does that compare to your communications about political beliefs and sharing.

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I think you all hit the nail on the head here. I'm still in this mindset of trying to be in control of his reaction to me and meeting his needs while figuring out how to prioritize myself and that's really not possible. I have to be okay with letting go of feeling responsible for his wellbeing and also with knowing that he'll try to paint me as the worst person on the planet. I think I'm going to journal on those feelings. I often realize when I'm at an emotional impasse, it's because I'm trying to control or manifest an outcome that simply isn't possible. I've spent my whole life prioritizing other people's needs in order to be accepted and liked, in order to avoid painful rejection. It's no wonder that I do this.

As far as managing his political behaviors, FF, I guess I don't set firm enough boundaries there. I get tired and engage, even when I swear to myself that I won't engage. That only fuels him and spurs him on. If he gets at least the occasional rise out of me, I guess it's worth all of the hours I don't respond. Still, some of the things he's saying lately kind of make me think he's a bad person. I have a hard time reconciling it. I can't be with someone who doesn't share my values. Kindness is important to me.

[formflier]

I can't be with someone who doesn't share my values. 

I agree...

Are you going to act on this?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I've spent my whole life prioritizing other people's needs in order to be accepted and liked, in order to avoid painful rejection.

I, too, thought the secret of being accepted was to bend over backwards to try and be nice to people, regardless of how they treated me.

Turns out, that was operating from a fallacy.

I discovered it’s far better to just be myself and not be so accommodating. Doing so reveals the people who like me, for being me, and those who aren’t naturally drawn to me steer clear. Why would I want to try and make someone, who doesn’t share my values or respect me, like me? Even if I could, why would I want to be their friend?

Nowadays it’s easy for me to play the heavy in neighborhood disputes. I’m always friendly to folks, but I refuse to get put in a position where others can take advantage of me.

Case in point: two newbie neighbors want to pave part of our gravel road. My thought is if you don’t want to live in the country, stay in the city. So I wrote a very polite, but pointed response, that paving would encourage people speeding and I’m not interested in contributing to that project.

My husband, on th other hand, wrote a very flowery response equivocating and mostly thanking other folks who’ve participated in road maintenance. He was initially critical of my bluntness, but after thinking it over, was frustrated by his own response and thought directness was a better strategy.

In the past, I would have been worried about hurting other’s feelings, but now I enjoy the freedom to just say what I think. Of course I try and be polite.

You undoubtably have this skill set in your workplace. Perhaps it’s time to incorporate it at home.

[formflier]

I had the blunt and direct skill for "other" relationships, but struggled with it in my family (mostly w FFw) for a long time.

I chuckled at the road thing. 

I had a neighbor that had really high standards for maintaining the shared road that went to our properties. 

He would do the work and then asked for reimbursement.  I thanked him profusely and also declined to pay, inviting him to talk together prior to expenditures on our joint road.   

He never took me up on my offer and I never paid.

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

In a work setting, I'm definitely more assertive, but in personal settings or even meeting new work colleagues, I'm more passive. But, you're right, Cat, why would I want to contort myself to try to get someone to like me when there are plenty of folks out there who might celebrate me for me? It's such twisted thinking. It's probably how I got here in the first place. Probably? Scratch that. Definitely.

You know what's really funny? I originally came to this forum to try to figure out how to change my husband, or at least find out how to change myself to better deal with him, but I'm finding that the more I go along, the more I need to change me for the sake of me. It's kind of liberating. And hard.

I do hate that my H is forcing my hand on this. Like, he couldn't just accept that I wanted to separate and spend time apart. He instead had to insist on me paying him an absurd amount of money if I wanted to "get rid of" him, which of course I'm not going to pay, so what other choice do I have but to file if I want him gone? It's so not my style of doing things, but here we go. So, now I have to get over my fears of doing that and really focusing my attention on what I want and need and not on how my actions will be perceived by him. That is a lot easier said than done, but I have to work through it.

[Notwendy]

but I'm finding that the more I go along, the more I need to change me for the sake of me. It's kind of liberating. And hard

Yes, that is a really important lesson- the part we play in this. It's not just "bad luck" that people end up in this type of relationship. The way two people "find" each other is a complicated interaction between the two of them. Realizing that somehow we attracted this person, are attracted to this kind of situation, and perpetuate it is a tough thing to look at. Rather than self blame, realizing that some of this is messages about ourselves from childhood, boundaries,family patterns that feel "normal" to us- it's not something we are aware of- but once we are, we can work on personal change.

It's not an easy process but it really is worth it because - rather than the focus on changing the other person- ( which doesn't really work)- when we gain better relationship skills, become less co-dependent- it's something that helps us in all relationships. ( work, family).

I can be hard but it's worth the effort- because YOU are worth the investment in you.