2 weeks NC and I get a text from him

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

4 years with uBPDx and this is our 3rd major breakup.  The past two weeks have been hard as hell, but not nearly as hard as the first breakup when I had no idea about BPD and how common the behaviors are.  Our last contact 2 weeks ago was me ending it because I caught him in a lie about him texting his ex.  He told me she died and it was for closure.  She is very much alive and when I called him on it, he deflected.  I think she has blocked him and is not responding but I'm quite sure he's been texting her through our entire r/s.  I awoke this morning with a text from him: I miss you so f***ing much it hurts.

Despite all that he's done to hurt me, I don't think I have the heart to not reply at all.  My boundary to myself (and to my friends that know the story) was that he would need to get some mental health help before I would consider getting back with him.  I'm almost positive he won't do this.  I'm debating whether to make that part of my reply.  I understand that no reply is the easiest, fastest way to end this but I am still so stuck on him.

I am seeing my T later this week who I haven't seen in 1.5 years.  She knows the whole story and is very good at giving me tough love.  I last saw her during our last breakup and I thought it was over and that I was moving on.  I am embarassed to admit to her that he came back and we've been flopping along this whole time since then.

Thanks all for reading.  This board is a Godsend and I don't know where I'd be without it.

[Jillery]

4 years with uBPDx and this is our 3rd major breakup.  The past two weeks have been hard as hell, but not nearly as hard as the first breakup when I had no idea about BPD and how common the behaviors are.  Our last contact 2 weeks ago was me ending it because I caught him in a lie about him texting his ex.  He told me she died and it was for closure.  She is very much alive and when I called him on it, he deflected.  I think she has blocked him and is not responding but I'm quite sure he's been texting her through our entire r/s.  I awoke this morning with a text from him: I miss you so f***ing much it hurts.

Despite all that he's done to hurt me, I don't think I have the heart to not reply at all.  My boundary to myself (and to my friends that know the story) was that he would need to get some mental health help before I would consider getting back with him.  I'm almost positive he won't do this.  I'm debating whether to make that part of my reply.  I understand that no reply is the easiest, fastest way to end this but I am still so stuck on him.

I am seeing my T later this week who I haven't seen in 1.5 years.  She knows the whole story and is very good at giving me tough love.  I last saw her during our last breakup and I thought it was over and that I was moving on.  I am embarassed to admit to her that he came back and we've been flopping along this whole time since then.

Thanks all for reading.  This board is a Godsend and I don't know where I'd be without it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jillery, There's no obligation to respond just because he texted you.  I suggest you put his text on the back burner and sit with your feelings.  Do you really need to reply?  It's your call.  I sense that, on some level, you are still engaged in your r/s.  Is that fair to say?  What is it that keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  It's not selfish to take care of yourself.  You are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  What are your gut feelings about the r/s going forward?  Are you ready to move on?

LuckyJim

[FindingMe2011]

4 years with uBPDx and this is our 3rd major breakup.

Maybe the third time will be a charm. If not, thats OK also, but it appears this is where it will eventually end. The recycles will put you in a worse position, most of the time.

The past two weeks have been hard as hell, but not nearly as hard as the first breakup when I had no idea about BPD and how common the behaviors are.

A little knowledge can go a long ways, continue this. You have grown since the first beak up.

He told me she died and it was for closure.  She is very much alive and when I called him on it, he deflected.  I think she has blocked him and is not responding but I'm quite sure he's been texting her through our entire r/s.  I awoke this morning with a text from him: I miss you so f***ing much it hurts.

If she blocked him, in BPD world he would have to consider her deceased. The alternative is annihilation/death...If he was banking on her attachment and this has been taken away. He will frantically look for another host. it appears this is you. The text should read "I miss an object so f***ing much it hurts" because it does. BPD has a half self and needs another to feel whole. The half the illness represents isnt very pretty.

Despite all that he's done to hurt me, I don't think I have the heart to not reply at all.

Its not the end of the world if you do...I can tell you one thing whatever you text will mean she wants me in BPD mind. So if this isnt the goal, and detachment is wanted, do you think you are doing him a favor? what about yourself? This is truly the only person involved, that you have any chance of saving.

My boundary to myself (and to my friends that know the story) was that he would need to get some mental health help before I would consider getting back with him.  I'm almost positive he won't do this.  I'm debating whether to make that part of my reply. 

One day hopefully, Jillery will start respecting Jillerys wishes. Sometimes the right thing to do, doesnt feel right. Tough love for yourself seems to be in order. You will gain much respect, when the false ill feelings subside. This I know...Stick to this and if was to happen, it would show you he is trying to help himself...Begging him to seek therapy,  will only tell the illness to play along. He needs to do this by himself, for himself. No crutches(you) or it will all be in vein.

I thought it was over and that I was moving on.  I am embarassed to admit to her that he came back and we've been flopping along this whole time since then.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. You just missed something. The flopping along analogy is interesting. Good your seeking help. I wish you well, Peace 

[once removed]

I awoke this morning with a text from him: I miss you so f***ing much it hurts.

Despite all that he's done to hurt me, I don't think I have the heart to not reply at all.  My boundary to myself (and to my friends that know the story) was that he would need to get some mental health help before I would consider getting back with him.  I'm almost positive he won't do this.  I'm debating whether to make that part of my reply. 

in general, i would not reply to "i miss you" with "if we get back together, i require _____".

"i miss you" may be impulsive or on a whim. it could be drunken. it could be any number of things. im not questioning its sincerity, or suggesting you not respond; i am suggesting not to over respond to it.

I am embarassed to admit to her that he came back and we've been flopping along this whole time since then.

perhaps more importantly, why disappear from your support group at the time you likely need it most?

if theres even a 5% chance of getting back together, or if you do get back together, id encourage you to continue seeing your therapist, and to post on the Bettering board. multiple makeup/breakup cycles deteriorate a relationship over time, and just going back without a very different game plan has a very low success rate.

[Jillery]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses.  I took the day to process all that each of you have said and it helped immensely in bringing me back to reality.  Tough love is exactly what I need.  I'm learning to accept it from others, but far from giving it to myself.  Thankfully I see my T tomorrow. 

I did eventually reply to his "I miss you so much it hurts" text with "I feel exactly the same way".  Not the best response, but it was honest and I think I did it more for me than for him.  I feel better that I didn't leave him lingering in ST land, as he has done so many times to me.  In my head, my response was saying that I miss him too and am hurting, yes, but that doesn't mean I'm going back in for round 4.  I got a reply from him a few hours later which was simply a sad-face emoji.    I didn't respond to that and had to chuckle to myself.  Really?  That's all you got?  An emoji?  It just validated to me so much where his head is at.  He texted me again last night with a simple "Goodnight."  I didn't respond as I was disgusted.  He really thinks we can simply just slip back into our old routine.

I'm sure I will hear from him today and I have been working on my last, and final, message.  I would love any feedback on it:

Dear uBPDx,
It is a very disturbing feeling to love someone but realize you don't even know who they are.  The man I love wouldn't lie to me or talk to other women behind my back.  There has been so much dishonesty over the years, that I no longer trust you.  The only way I can consider moving forward with you is if you get professional help.  I am getting help for my issues and for my part in the dysfunction of our relationship.  Unless you are willing to do that too, please don't contact me anymore.  It just hurts too much.  Either way, I truly wish you all the best in your life and hope that you find the happiness and success that we all deserve.
With love,
Jillery

[Jillery]

Welp, patience isn’t a virtue of mine, so I beefed up my response and sent it. His response back was “okay” . Feeling proud of myself at this moment.

[FindingMe2011]

Welp, patience isn’t a virtue of mine, so I beefed up my response and sent it. His response back was “okay” Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Feeling proud of myself at this moment.

Patience for yourself is required, work on this. Dont be surprised as you will be put in the persecutor position, in due time. There can only be one victim and its BPD. You should be proud, as this was done with as much honesty as you can gather for now. The illness didnt hear what you wrote. Expect the unexpected, it will happen. I wish you well, Peace

[brighter future]

Welp, patience isn’t a virtue of mine, so I beefed up my response and sent it. His response back was “okay” . Feeling proud of myself at this moment.

This brings back memories for me, and I feel your pain and confusion. That was the exact response (Okay, Okay, Okay over and over) I received from my uBPD ex-g/f after expressing my heartfelt feelings about our painful breakup and her telling me that she had starting to see her rebound guy again. She wanted us to be engaged/married right up until the very end of the r/s. When I asked how her views and opinions changed so quickly in regards to me and our r/s, all I got was "I don't have the energy for that right now and can't answer any questions."

During our relationship, she described her relationship with the rebound guy as "strictly a rebound" and that her relationship with him "didn't mean anything". She was with him before she started seeing me. I didn't find out about him until about a month after we started dating. The last I heard 3-4 weeks ago, she was trying to get him to marry her now. My how things have changed.    I'm just glad that it's not me any longer.

We've been broken up nearly 5 months now, and I've accepted in my mind that our relationship would never have worked out. When I see her in passing occasionally, it no longer fills me with grief and anxiety like it used to. I admit I still do miss the wonderful times that we had together and still do wonder on occasion what it might have been like if she was healthy. I try not to dwell on that too much, though.  She's unwilling to get professional help for herself, and nothing is going to change in her life until she decides to do that on her own. I'm just working on fixing what's wrong with myself and keep reminding myself each day that being out of this relationship is the best thing for me.  

It's very obvious that you see all of the things that were wrong in your relationship with him, and that's huge right there. Keep up the positive thoughts and take care of yourself. It will take time. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.  You will get through this.

[Jillery]

Thank you @FindingMe2011 and @brighter future for your comments.  It is so very helpful to post on this board and get feedback.

He started texting me briefly again this week, but I haven't responded.  Last night, he sent several texts stating he didn't understand why I ended things, he's always been faithful, he had plans for our future, etc.  He admitted to having an anger problem but stated that he refused to own anything else.  He told me to show him the proof that he was unfaithful.  He ended with saying that if I didn't respond by Friday (2 days) away, that he was going to show up at my house like a "f***ing lunatic".  Then said "I'm going to text you every day until you respond".

I'm temped to spell out to him exactly all the lies I know about, but realize it's futile.  He will just try to cover it with more lies.  And if he actually admitted it, then what?  I still won't trust him or believe anything he says.  I see my T tomorrow and I'm sure she'll give me another healthy dose of tough love. 

In the meantime, I saw an old thread on this board about films that depict BPD.  I've started working my way through the list and find it fascinating and cathartic.  If it's helpful to anyone else, here are some of the recent ones I've watched:  Blue Sky, We Need to Talk About Kevin, Gaslight, Margot at the Wedding and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  I plan to watch Notes On a Scandal today.

Thanks all for reading. 

[once removed]

respectfully, your last message to him was about his failings as a partner, and several accusations.

a lot of people in that position would push back, guilty or innocent; its human nature. he wants to continue the argument/discussion/whatever. and in fairness, if hes threatening harassment, hes pretty hard up to do so.

I'm temped to spell out to him exactly all the lies I know about, but realize it's futile.

its futile if you want to break up. a breakup is the ultimate resolution. the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the grieving, may not be over, but the issues and the fighting are, if you want them to be.

but its also futile if you ultimately want to get back together. this would not be a rehabilitative approach.

what really matters is where you want to go from here; whether you want to detach/release with grace, or whether you want to give him a taste of his medicine. i sense a little bit of both.

[Jillery]

respectfully, your last message to him was about his failings as a partner, and several accusations.

Thank you, @once removed for your honest feedback. I do now see that my message to him was accusatory and would provoke a push back, BPD or non, guilty or innocent.
 

what really matters is where you want to go from here

Yes, I am not 100% settled on where I want to go from here.  I know where I SHOULD want to go, but I'm not all in yet. 

whether you want to detach/release with grace, or whether you want to give him a taste of his medicine. i sense a little bit of both.

I think the temptation to explain things to him comes more from a fruitless attempt to make him understand why I ended the r/s, versus giving him a taste of his own medicine.  I feel the need to spell it out to him like a 5 yr old, so it's clear.  To both of us, maybe. 

So far NC feels like the right course, but why does it feel so cruel?  It doesn't feel like detaching with grace at all.

[Jillery]

Update:  He didn't show up on Friday night like he "swore on his kids" he would.  I admit to being a tiny bit disappointed.  Just a tiny bit.  He continues to text me apologies and left a voicemail begging me to call him.  I remain NC but it's hard.  Here is some of what he said: 

You know, you never gave me a reason, you just blamed me for things I don't know what you're talking about.  Do I talk to other girls?  Yes, inside my friend circle.  But I was always faithful to you.  Sorry I have girls that are friends.  I never got an explanation of that or proof.  Show me the proof that I was unfaithful to you.  And I've done enough counseling in my life to know better so I'm not doing it anymore.  You dumped me and I really don't know why.  You were my Queen.  You won't even text me back.  I'm talking to a ghost. 

For years I debated reaching out to his exgf, just for some clarity as to when they actually broke up.  I finally did it the other day.  Thankfully, she replied:

Hi, if you have questions, best to ask him.  There's a lot of sh*t he kept from me so I probably can't help you.  Any I really don't feel like talking about him.  Sorry.

I think her response says a lot.  I was hoping for more, but glad that she replied at all. 

I'm getting there folks.  Slowly but surely.

[once removed]

what are you trying to ultimately accomplish here?

i think thats the most important thing to determine.

do you want to get back together? do you want him to fix things?

if so, know that this is just not a strategy thats conducive to that.

do you want to break up, and detach with grace?

this isnt really a strategy conducive to that either. on the receiving end, it would look more like leveling accusations followed by silent treatment; that you want to vent your very really hurt, but then shut it down. thats the mode hes in, thats how hes taking it, thats why hes in this defensive posture and blowing you up.

not judging. i know this is hard. you have resentments. you want him to feel them, and you want him to get it, whether you want to break up or not. ultimately, that message usually isnt heard in a bad break up. it typically just prolongs the old hurts for both parties.

if you want to get back together, post on the Bettering board, lets talk about some of these lingering resentments, figure out if the relationship is salvageable, and come up with a very different game plan.

if you want to break up/detach with grace, i would respond (we can work that out here too), but in a way that significantly cools the temperature, closes in a way that he doesnt feel a need to defend himself, in a way that stops the pain and can allow the healing process to start for both of you.

what do you think?

[Jillery]

Thank you once removed for your comments.  No, I do not want to get back together with him. 

if you want to break up/detach with grace, i would respond (we can work that out here too), but in a way that significantly cools the temperature, closes in a way that he doesnt feel a need to defend himself, in a way that stops the pain and can allow the healing process to start for both of you.

I thought NC was the right thing to do for both of us.  Yes, please help me come up with a response that does what you mention above.  Thank you again.

[FindingMe2011]

I thought NC was the right thing to do for both of us.  Yes, please help me come up with a response that does what you mention above.  Thank you again.

It is the right thing, although it wont feel this way. Feelings arent facts and articulating this isnt difficult with practice. If NC is your wish, all that respect you will respect this. If they dont, then ask why they appear to have selfish intentions. If you state your responsibility in the r/s (only 50%) then express why you need space. There is no reason to show his faults. Its not about him at this point and your healing can begin. Its his choice to do the same for himself and maybe wish him luck with his recovery...I wish you well, Peace

[Jillery]

If NC is your wish, all that respect you will respect this.

Thank you, @Findingme2011.  Your timing is perfect.  I really needed to hear this now.  I was literally working up the strength to block him this morning, when I got a series of texts and 3 voicemails, which said:

I miss you so damn much.  I want to die.  I still and always will love you.  I wish you would talk to me.  Please.  Even for 5 minutes.  So depressed.  I can't do this anymore.  I need you with me.  I am absolutely nothing without you.

This is so hard.  He sounds like he's crying in his voicemails.  Thankfully I have my T this afternoon.

[once removed]

Yes, please help me come up with a response that does what you mention above.  Thank you again.

if it were me? id say something like:

"in my hurt, i said some things that i wish i hadnt, that i realize now werent helpful for either of us. i regret it.

the two of us have been through a lot, and loved each other a lot. we have many memories, that while sadly have come to an end, i will always cherish.

i think that it would be best that we...

give each other space to heal/close this chapter in our lives/wish each other the best/speak at a later time"

personalize it, of course. use your words, words that sound like you, and consider whether you want to completely slam the door, or whether there may be a point at which you want to speak to him. either one could have consequences (if you leave a door open, he may push, if you completely slam the door he may push, anticipate this), so as best you can, be clear on your motivations.

bottom line, send a message that takes out the sting, shuts down the fighting, is gracious, but firm.

you may want to post in your own words and get feedback.

I thought NC was the right thing to do for both of us.  

it may be. certainly, a period of space can be invaluable, and if you are committed to moving on, you want to do so in a way that both allows him to save face, and that you wont regret.

this article regarding NC can help: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[FindingMe2011]

This is so hard.  He sounds like he's crying in his voicemails.

He appears to be pulling out all the stops. The ones that have worked before and maybe a new one or two.

I miss you so damn much.  I want to die.

To believe another holds ones happiness, that another could be emotional responsible for anyone other than themselves, would be enmeshment. Not understanding where one person starts and ends creates chaos. It works for some I guess, but reciprocal it could never be...Hes attempting to put you on the pedestal for his own selfish intentions. You would not remain for long and the dance continues... Youre working through the cobwebs. Be patient, kind and forgiving to yourself FIRST, also not a strong suit. It takes practice. I wish you well, Peace

[Jillery]

Thank you, @once removed for your example.  It helps a lot to read what I should've said when I sent my "Last Text" a few weeks ago.  Unfortunately at this point, I think it's too late to do anything other than NC.  Yesterday was a sh*t show.  He completely ruined my day and I was so tense that I couldn't think straight.  10+ texts and 5 lengthy voicemails.  Nothing of real substance, other than that he HAD to talk to me, that I can't just ignore him like this, that he'll do ANYTHING not to lose me.  He said his family isn't talking to him because they loved me so much.  Yes, @FindingMe2011 he really is pulling out all the stops.  His last voicemail said he didn't want to do it, but would come to my home (almost 2 hrs away) to talk to me.  He repeated that he didn't want to have to do that.  Luckily I had my T after all this and she said he is threatening me and suggested that I block him.  We agreed that he likely won't actually show up.  She suggested that I call the police if he does.  I'm still chewing on that one, but I did block him yesterday.  I immediately felt a sense of relief that I continue to feel today.  I am a bit jumpy and look out the window when I hear a car nearby, but I hope that will subside with some time.  My daughter is coming home for the weekend and the last thing I want is an altercation with her here.

Thank you, @FindingMe2011 for reminding me what's really going on here.  I feel like I need constant reminding either from myself or others about the truth of what's happening so I don't get lost in the fog.  I like the cobweb analogy because it fits so perfectly.  It really does feel like I'm coming out of a haze.  I will try to be kind and patient with myself.  Again, thank you for reminding me of that. 

[FindingMe2011]

She suggested that I call the police if he does.  I'm still chewing on that one

I would have to agree, to call the police...This space you have requested needs to be respected and/or upheld...Desperate times call for desperate measures. Desperate mental illness is unpredictable. Expect the unexpected and have plans in place.

His last voicemail said he didn't want to do it, but would come to my home (almost 2 hrs away) to talk to me.  He repeated that he didn't want to have to do that.

This is a passive aggressive threat. A boundary needs to be placed and he should also know the consequences. Your health could possibly depend on this. I wish you well, Peace

[Jillery]

Thank you FindingMe2011 for validating my concerns.  Just as before, he did not show up at my house last week.  I am 22 days NC and last week I blocked him due to a day of repeated calls and texts that made my head spin. 

Here's where I'd like to admit some backsliding.  I kept him blocked for 5 days and during that time I did a lot of ruminating about whether he was trying to contact me, whether he knew if he was blocked etc.  3 days ago I unblocked him.  I kept checking my phone to see if he had contacted me but nothing for 2 days.  It made me sad and I found myself wishing to hear from him.  I tried to think of the bad times but they wouldn't stick.  Last night he texted this: "I sleep with the <stuffed animal character> you got me every night.  That's how much I miss you babe.  Sad, I know."  It felt good to hear from him.  I haven't replied but have started to draft many possible responses, with the intention not to send them.  The responses are me trying to explain why I'm NC.  I don't feel like I did a good job of that.  I have my T later today and I'm sure she will remind me that this is an addiction.  I know she's right and I'm hopeful she will slap some sense into me.  Thanks for reading everyone.

[FindingMe2011]

I don't feel like I did a good job of that.  I have my T later today and I'm sure she will remind me that this is an addiction.  I know she's right and I'm hopeful she will slap some sense into me.  Thanks for reading everyone.

You did the best you could and now have a bench mark, 5 days. Get back up and start again...Telling you use the metaphor slap some sense...this is critical you dont refer to yourself this way. It plays a part and needs to be respected...Kind and forgiving to yourself, then you can genuinely do this for others...Maybe have a little compassion for an addict? I wish you well, Peace