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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How do I say this? Who would even understand? Someone?  (Read 335 times)
Gemsforeyes
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Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
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« on: September 01, 2020, 12:46:10 PM »

My disordered exBF has been gone since 2/13/2020.  He left in a RAGE and I wanted him gone.  I needed him gone.  But he didn’t know that.  The day had actually been a good one, but me?  I had the nerve to ask two questions after a nap (I’d been really sick):  “honey, did you remember to feed the dog?”  And “ok, what about her meds, did she have those?”  And his SCREAMING just erupted.  That was IT for me.

And what solidified his departure (and my resolve) is that he actually tried to come back in... and when I wouldn’t let him, he left me a very vile voice mail.  I saved that and emailed it to myself.  I knew that if and when I EVER had the inclination to see or speak with him again, I just needed to listen to that voicemail first... and be guided by what he said.  It worked.

It was A very trying 6.5 years with him... some great times, some horrible.  If you’re here, You know the drill.

Over the years, he’s engaged in some very odd behaviors.  I won’t discuss the actual stealing things from me.  (I just did.)   Or the constant snooping through my personal possessions.  (Oh, just did that, too).

When he has broken things in my home, instead of telling me, he has “hidden” the pieces and I’ve found them...like right beneath the bathroom vanity when I was searching for something else.  I once found my expensive sundress (with a large rust stain on it) hidden behind a paint can in my garage.  I hope this paints a little picture for you.

He has lied about so many odd things over the years.  I have no idea what was true and what wasn’t.  It just cannot matter to me anymore.  No one will ever provide clarity to me.  My bottom line was that not only did this man completely lack respect for me and generally saw me as “functional” to him; but I came to have absolutely no respect for myself and really lost all self-worth.  Not any more.

My point for today?  Early in our relationship I was bothered by the fact that he was drinking more than a bottle of red wine daily.  I told him that if that was his way of living, that was cool, but not in my life.  It was an ultimatum I meant.  He stopped immediately.  He switched to two Corona beers daily.  Continued that for years.  That was fine and he was never drunk.

Eventually he completely stopped drinking.  At least that’s what he said.  I always told him that he was welcome to enjoy a beer whenever he’d like.  And in the last 6 months of our rs, he may have had a few.

So today I’m tackling the long overdue job of cleaning out my garage, which he kept moving things around in. Stacking things up and I could never find what I needed.  In a corner, in a box under a bunch of bubble wrap I just found 2 empty Corona beer bottles.  I also found several cigarette butts thrown into a bag of dead batteries.  I stood there and said “WHY”?

So my question is WHY?

Please... He’s 62.  He KNOWS I didn’t care if he drank beer.  As far as I know, I’m the one who smoked cigarettes and I know how I dispose of them.  I don’t *hide* the butts!  And it’s NOT in a bag with dead batteries that go to the hazmat recycling place!   But now I AM again questioning several times when I’d say to myself “wait... why is this pack of cigs so empty?”  He supposedly hadn’t smoked in like 8-10 years prior.

So just...WHY?

I’m no longer questioning why the relationship failed.  I have to finish this project and am thankful that I’m doing this before the strangers come to help me.

Any thoughts?  The air was kind of taken out of me.  And I’m almost petrified of what I may find when I go to clean out the high shelves in the guest room closet.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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legalboxers
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« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2020, 01:26:31 PM »

@Gemsforeyes
sad to say.. I know. My hell was 5 months. She would yell at me non stop. Mine was a text message, and a photo I posted on Instagram about a bag of potato chips. I gave her my undivided attention, and she still wasnt happy.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2020, 03:37:26 PM »

No one will ever provide clarity to me.

Others can help but you must see what they see. This is a good start...

Not any more.

I won’t discuss the actual stealing things from me.  (I just did.)   Or the constant snooping through my personal possessions.  (Oh, just did that, too).

Thats too funny. Anger in the form of sarcasm, could be considered the best kind, if there is such a thing. But it is the process have at it.

  I knew that if and when I EVER had the inclination to see or speak with him again, I just needed to listen to that voicemail first... and be guided by what he said.  It worked.


You looking out for you. Youre getting stronger it appears, keep working. its paying off.

So just...WHY?

Why would a 5 year old hide this from you? You have to believe he has made you the punitive parent from his childhood, no? Appears this way to me.

And I’m almost petrified of what I may find when I go to clean out the high shelves in the guest room closet.

Expect worse than you already have seen. Did he spend time in this room?...I would actually make a list of questions and ask for them to be answered, if it meant this much to me. The answers would just create more questions I suppose. Get the picture? It will be wasted time. I wish you well, Peace

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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2020, 03:48:34 PM »

He’s gone, but some things just get burned into our minds sometimes. Can I redirect and ask why your findings bother you?
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2020, 07:43:37 PM »

Thank you so much for your replies.  For some reason, it’s very difficult for me to post any real substance of my own story without weaving snippets into replies... much less painful for me to respond to other people.  It’s almost like if I *admit* to some ongoing struggle, I’m weaker, have taken a step back in my healing.  And I don’t have time to do that.  Or the strength.

But I AM weak. I AM still vulnerable.   Not to allowing him back (I don’t think); more toward my notion of *failing* him, of remembering his taking me by the shoulders and saying I was the only one...  the ONLY one who he ever trusted... who’d never let him down.  I cried after I posted this when a very old friend of mine was asking me intense questions about my ex.  I probably should have told him the questions were a bit much.

Legalboxers - I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.  The length of time of these relationships does NOT in any way dictate the amount pain and confusion you’ll experience in unwinding what you’ve lived.  Give yourself the patience to unwind and heal as slowly as you need. 

@Finding2011- your step by steps are always so insightful.  And I actually could (and ought to) respond in-depth to each of your points.  Someday I’d love to understand the snooping.  His trying to turn me into his mother figure I *may* almost understand... that’s for certain a tricky topic for another post.

But the guest room closet... a large YES.  And under the mattress and box springs.  He’s been gone since February and although I clean that room, I have not lifted the mattress nor have I pulled things down from the high closet.

So here we go.

JNChell... thank you for the question.  My fear is based on history with him.  Meaning it’s based in fear for me.

So yes, my ex BPD/NPDbf kept (and apparently hid) things in various places in my home (some discussed above).  From what I can tell, broken or damaged items were hidden in places I’d find them pretty easily as I went about my business.

He had full run of the guest room.  I never went in there, and now that I think about it, there are way more places I need to look than just the ones I mentioned!  Jeepers Wally.   He kept all his important papers in there.. in one drawer.  Deed to his home, car title, passport, bank statements.  I’d make files for him.  I’m not quite sure how he made it to adulthood without a Full-time assistant, but I digress.

Once he SCREAMED at me accusing me a stealing a gold watch I never knew he even had.  I’d never seen it.  He’d never worn any watch.  He was a maniac.  He was threatening to call the police and report me for theft, grand larceny, blah blah ...  I cowered on my sofa in dismay.  He comes out of the guest room about a half hour later happy as a little summer clam holding a flowery bag and says “look honey!  I found it!”  I asked where?  He said he’d “hidden it under the mattress”.

This happened constantly.  I don’t know WHO he was hiding things from.  I wasn’t the snooper,  He was.  So maybe he THOUGHT everyone engaged in his behavior.

He has an antique rosary that belonged to a deceased relative.  He was constantly misplacing the rosary and I’d hunt through his pack and car with him.  He was always SURE it was NOT in the guest room.  But he never accused me of taking that.  He knows how deeply I feel about the spiritual value of those beads.   From what I could tell, that piece meant a great deal to him.  It didn’t represent his *current* religious views, but he carried it everywhere he went.  Everywhere.  I make jewelry and he asked me to fix it.  I fixed it and added other antique crystals to fortify the piece.  He was thrilled... showed everyone in his family.  At any rate, close to the end of our relationship, he told me he lost the rosary.  We talked about it.  I was so upset.  Him?  Less so.  I don’t understand at all.

My fear?  That I will FIND that rosary in my home!  In that guest room.   I am petrified I will find it in my home.  And then what?

And why any finding bothers me?  Because my reactions reach beyond my mind into my body.  I become almost dizzy... very lightheaded.  I know in time I’ll no longer have physical reactions to things involving him.  And I do understand why this happens to me.  My own issues, my own trauma from my younger days.

Thank you my friends.  Thank you.

Warmly,
Gems



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JNChell
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« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2020, 07:52:07 PM »

Is it possible that the more you find, the more betrayal that you feel? The Rosary is something else. It doesn’t sound like something he’d lose, hide or forget about on purpose. What do you think? I know that there is a lot of emotion involved. If you find the Rosary, simply return it.
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2020, 10:15:35 PM »

Perhaps your reaction to finding out just how much he was hiding is connected to a feeling of rejection that he did not trust you.

It seems that his behavior would indicate that he was very paranoid and also very full of shame. This is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of how very ill he was.
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"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ~Rumi
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2020, 02:28:42 AM »

Thank you.

Betrayal comes into play, however that’s not really the word I’d use when I find things.  It’s more that it raises a feeling of anger at HIM for placing me in a position of having to think about him.  Obviously he’s not here to know he’s “doing” this.   But I can let myself feel these moments of anger, correct?  And sadness that he felt he needed to hide those beer bottles... and cig butts.  Just why?   When he DID drink beer right in front of me, what on earth possessed him to hide empty beer bottles?  But we can drop it.

I tried so hard to never *judge* him, or scold him.   Even before I had come to understand the BPD part of his disorder and the deep underlying shame he carried, I handled his childish behavior and lies with kid gloves. 

I scoured all corners of the guest room tonight, except for the higher reaches of the closet (too tired to chance climbing the ladder after cleaning out the garage in southern heat today).  I can see that he found and opened something very private of mine (and very old) that likely really upset him.  That’s too bad.  I didn’t realize it was in that room.  I’ve no way of knowing which screaming fit was prompted by what he saw.  Another thing beyond my control.

The reason I don’t want the rosary to be here is because I do not want to be accused of hiding it from him.  And coming across it this many months later... well that would just seem odd.  To anyone.  And I don’t want him or anyone to interpret anything as an attempt on my part to rekindle.

But betrayal.  Yes.  Not with other romantic interests.  With his family.  His mother, especially.   Covert incest.  I do not use that term lightly.  He and I have discussed the situation at some length.  He has very strong NPD traits... but she’s got him beat by miles.  The situation worsened greatly when his stepfather passed nearly 2 years ago.  I knew our relationship was going to have to end.  His mother would NOT allow it and I was not going to do battle with an old lady (no, I never said that out loud).  And yes, I’m old.  But she’s older.   And way meaner.  And no.  She is no candidate for Mother of the year.

IAR -  yes.  My exBF IS a very sick man.  More ill than I ever wanted to admit.  This was one of the few statements of value my former therapist made.  I think she was scared to death of PD’s.

His paranoia ran deep, and seemed to alternate between sources.  An odd situation.  He owns a home, yet in the winter months would rent it out for the season, forcing him to stay either at his mother’s home or at mine.  I would not allow him to live with me... he drained my finances and I could NEVER get anything done.  Again, He placed himself in this position.  I didn’t.  So he'd keep his important papers here in the guest room, even the nights when he stayed at his mother’s house.  So didn't trust me?  I don’t know.  And if he needed something, he’d call me, tell me where the paper was and ask me to take a photo and text it to him.

His home is in a building occupied by some very old people (80’s).  His mother picked out the condo and decorated it for him.  I have no idea why he went along with that idea.  He HATES the place.  He believes and I mean he is absolutely convinced that from the moment he parks his vehicle that he is being watched.   He thinks there is a camera from a downstairs unit pointed at his window.  He says the people stay up and listen to him at night.  He says when he exits his unit, or is in the hallway, people appear out of nowhere.  Looking at him.  I told him that they’re likely just not used to seeing such a handsome “youngster” walking in their midst!  This paranoia went on almost since the day I met him.

Then he started saying all of MY neighbors were watching him.  The old people excuse didn’t work here.

Man.  I’m sorry.  So back to it.  He kept his papers here, Yet on the night he left, he initially fled without those papers.  I had no idea from one day to the next where he kept anything because I never looked.  After I refused to allow him back in, he left the voice mail shrieking SCREAMING that I took his papers...  his rage was driven by the fact that this grown man had to show up at mommy’s house at 11:00 at night.  Because he rented his home to snowbirds.  I’m still unsure (ehhh, not so much) what that was about.  When he called the fourth time, I let him have it with both barrels.  I let go of 6.5 years of anger at him.  Held nothing back.  And even that didn’t seem to stick.  A few weeks later (after pandemic began) he wants to put $300 in my mailbox to help me out with food expenses?  He’s a mystery... never would contribute fairly when he lived in my home and sucked me dry.

I’m triggered now for another reason.  He has STILL not forwarded his bank statements from my PO Box.  I received May, June and July statements this past week.  I have not visited my PO Box in a long time.  And there were the statements.  I shredded them.  Not my responsibility.  We had addressed all of this in several very calm texts back in March and April.

I don’t know, I don’t know I don’t know.  I’m glad I’m out.  I’m grateful that I haven’t been in lockdown with him.  He is NOT my problem.  And I am not yours.

Goodnight.
Gems
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2020, 09:33:06 AM »

It’s almost like if I *admit* to some ongoing struggle, I’m weaker, have taken a step back in my healing.  And I don’t have time to do that.  Or the strength.

Hmm no time for yourself, interesting. But you find time for others?...Many times in life we need to take a step backwards to move forward. We missed something as this is how humans are geared. You seem to want to defy this. Its self defeating. It takes more strength to do it the way you are. Its impossible.

But I AM weak. I AM still vulnerable.   Not to allowing him back (I don’t think)

Youre stronger than you were. A little less vulnerable than you were. This is a comment of some strength, with uncertainty. Work on the uncertainty, your r/s has proven this false.

more toward my notion of *failing* him, of remembering his taking me by the shoulders and saying I was the only one...  the ONLY one who he ever trusted... who’d never let him down.

So a grown man asked you to be emotionally responsible for him. This never works out as the membership grows here. Wise mind understands this.

*may* almost understand... that’s for certain a tricky topic for another post.

Most if not all cluster Bs plays this dynamic. The partner is seen as the punitive parent and the dance continues. May also hold some truth for you as well.

So maybe he THOUGHT everyone engaged in his behavior.

Exactly...So now nothing is off the table, expect it.

And why any finding bothers me?  Because my reactions reach beyond my mind into my body.  I become almost dizzy... very lightheaded.  I know in time I’ll no longer have physical reactions to things involving him.  And I do understand why this happens to me.  My own issues, my own trauma from my younger days.


You took a big step in confronting your trauma, a small celebration is in order. Then back to work.

he told me he lost the rosary.  We talked about it.  I was so upset.  Him?  Less so.  I don’t understand at all.

A dead giveaway that he does know what happened to this. Its different than anytime he didnt know. Deductive reasoning. You will be fine. I wish you well, Peace



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legalboxers
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« Reply #9 on: September 02, 2020, 09:56:51 AM »

@Gemsforeyes I am sorry what you went through and I hope your healing Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Ive been through far worse for 25 years, with an abusive drunk father, and everything else in life giving me the short end of the stick. Im still here...It been maybe a month. I dont know I lost count. Ive been in my own personal hell and trying to help my mom (shes 85 I have no family) so that pulls me away from my stuff. Im trying to focus on tests I need to do (Im a paralegal I need to be a notary, and Im trying to get into law school) I got so many mental road blocks I cant Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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BlueSpring
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« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2020, 02:32:17 PM »


 but I came to have absolutely no respect for myself and really lost all self-worth. 

I know that feeling.  I left my BPD ex six months ago, and I'm still rebuilding my self-esteem.  What she did was pretend she was a caring friend and got me to confide in her.  Then she used everything I told her as weapons against me.

Since I've been gone, she's has at least two other men that I know of.  I think I told you about the one who moved across country to move in with her.  That lasted less than two months and, according to what she told me, was just one huge, non-stop fight until he packed up and left.  Now she has rekindled a relationship she was in a year ago (the last time she left me).   But this time, I don't care.  I have a feeling this guy is after her money, but I don't care.  Again, she says she's crazy happy with this guy, but she calls me every day.  I stopped answering her calls.  I really am done with her.  I used to worry about what would become of her if some bad guy takes advantage of her, but now, I really don't care anymore. 

It's true that underneath all the crazy she seems to have a vulnerability that's hard to turn my back on.  But the crazy ascends the vulnerability, and when she or any other pwBPD is raging and out of control in every other way, they're just juggernauts destroying everything in their paths including the people who care the most.

Be good to yourself,

BlueSpring
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