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ALS

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« on: September 02, 2020, 02:14:05 AM »

Hi, first post here so forgive me if I'm in the wrong section  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Definitely didn't expect to be posting here a few months ago but it's been a roller coaster. I guess I just want to pick the brains of some people with extensive knowledge or experience with person(s) with BPD. The girl I was involved with is (I suspect) diagnosed, but I don't know that for fact. I was completely unaware of BPD symptoms until after she 'split' me. After it was suggested I did a lot of research and I would put the house on her being BPD.

First talked over a year ago. Seemed like a very level headed girl who was working hard. Conversation was easy and flowed. Before it progressed anywhere she ended up entering into a relationship so I ceased contact. That relationship lasted about 6 months before he left her. She entered straight into another shorter relationship (maybe 2 months) before she was again left. I initiated contact again and after a month she began encouraging meet ups almost constantly. I happened to move house just prior to this which made it challenging. She told me she was depressed and threatened suicide one night so I made the trip to see her early hours of the morning (In hindsight this was just to lure me out). Fell asleep in each other's arms that night.

From then on it was complete infatuation. She'd call me numerous times a day at all hours and video calls in the evening routinely. Making plans for traveling and this and that. I was completely indulged, it felt too good to be true. She had to go in for surgery and that's when the problems started. It was a success but she was stuck at home during recovery and started to have a wobble. Initially she became depressed and claimed her family were against her. Shortly after her attitude towards me seemed to completely change. There wasn't that infatuation or 'idolization' anymore. The head games started from there as she made sure I knew she'd made contact with an old high school boyfriend (first love kind of deal) back in our home country. It was a clear attempt to make me jealous and react, which I did. Nothing serious I just voiced my opinion and accused her of deliberately fishing for a reaction.

She used this as an excuse to guilt trip me to which I was determined to make her see my side; she wasn't having any of it, seemed completely unable to grasp it. Looking back it was used as devaluation. The following days she became reckless, drinking a lot and at one point drink driving. She was then sexually assaulted. We resumed contact after this, she had to go and stay with family out of town and the video calls resumed while she was away. Upon her return I was determined to support her and offered many times to go and see her to which she would make excuses. Of course with the assault came PTSD which I researched at the time so I could monitor her processes. She went through a promiscuous stage and at one point when I asked her why she wouldn't let me come see her, I was told 'I'm just trying to get laid and you're too much like a brother to me'. I had no idea what to make of that.

After a month of this I stopped asking to see her and just offered support via text or call. She'd then start asking when I'd come see her, or if I'd been in town why I didn't go see her; which was confusing. She told me she was going on a camping trip with friends over video call and when she went it became apparent the singular friend she went with was a guy. I distanced myself after this, I was emotionally exhausted and was coming to the conclusion she wasn't going to come around to me in the same way as before. Still talked everyday but it became more of a casual friendship.

When she caught on to the fact I was slowly detaching she stopped me doing so. She would idolize over text and snap, accuse me of going on dates whenever I'd post being out. One day I was accused of being on a date after I finished work, and then found she had stalked me to a shopping mall (yes I know that for a fact ;P). She came to see me unexpectedly at work once and threw herself in my arms, I was hooked back in.

Few days later I met her before she went into work and gave her a gift, to which threw herself at me in borderline tears (no pun intended). That's the last time I'd properly see her. The next day she would post of social media that she was depressed, to which I asked why. I was then told she had a dream I sexually assaulted her and that she was traumatized. I didn't really respond for the rest of the day out of confusion. Following day she didn't respond to a text I sent. The day after, she calls and tells me to meet her. Upon arrival, a guy gets out her car, hands me the gift back with a note (he introduced himself as her boyfriend). The note read that her and her therapist decided we shouldn't be friends cause I have characteristics which make her uncomfortable; couldn't believe it. Went from throwing herself at me to discarding in the space of 48 hours.

She unfriended me on all social media platforms (unfriended, not blocked) and didn't answer a call and text I sent immediately after I got home. It's been NC for 3 weeks now, I haven't tried and won't try. She did view a story I posted on Instagram and Facebook three days after, but nothing since.

Should of mentioned she did have a traumatic childhood from as early as 2-3 which included sexual assault at 13.

Just wanted an outsiders opinion on the sequence of events. Hopefully it didn't just seem like I was telling a story Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Tried to keep it light hearted but truth be told she broke me down piece by piece, built me up a bit and then buried me.

I'm trying to get an idea about what each action she made intended. I've done A LOT of research about BPD but having been the person in the situation I have about 7 different ideas about each scenario. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I recover myself mentally from this ordeal.
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« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2020, 08:25:37 AM »


Welcome

I'm so sorry you went through all that.  I also want to assure you that you have found a group of people that "get it".

I was nodding my head as I read through your story going "...yep...that's BPDish"


So...one thing that I noticed in your story was lots of detail about her and her feelings and a lot less about your feelings.  Not criticizing, instead I'm encouraging you to sit still, breathe nice and deep several times.  No..not like that...really deep, fill up with air and blow it all out...all of it a few times.

Then knock out a couple of your favorite beverages while you share your feelings with us.  I'll check back later and we'll figure out a plan together about next steps.  How does that sound?

Best,

FF
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ALS

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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2020, 02:33:26 AM »

Thanks for the quick response!

I wasn't sure how it would come across as I found myself remembering certain characteristics of her that would be further indication of BPD. The compulsive lying to avoid blame no matter how small and insignificant the situation springs to mind. Also recounting seemingly important life stories completely different to when she first told it.

My feelings at this very moment, hard to describe. Relief that I don't have to deal with the anxiety of the situation and wasting so much energy caring. A lot of the behavior was masked by the sexual assault. I did a lot of research on PTSD and she was going through the 'phases' perfectly. If that didn't happen I might of caught on to what was happening before it got as bad as it did as far as the devaluation goes.

The relief is accompanied by shock and sadness. When it was good, it was great. All this is very consistent with what I've read here, as far as me thinking I'd found my soulmate. She triggered something I'd never felt before and I found myself planning for the future and ecstatic I'd stumbled across her. We're both in a foreign country and are from the same country originally, spitting distance apart. Came here at a similar time as well, made it all the more crazy.

The shock is that I couldn't of comprehended it to unfold and end the way it did with how we were at the beginning. In her early stages of showing her BPD traits I could foresee it ending, but she made sure there was hope for me. Another aspect that comes to mind that is consistent with people involved with pwBPD is the resilience to leaving. A personal character trait of mine is to not be 'that guy' who's added to the list of people who have left her. It seems people with BPD have that effect on people anyway. That ties in with my relief, because if she didn't split me she'd be able to rope me back in somehow.

The sadness of course is that my perfect person is broken, potentially unfixable. I'm a realist in the sense I've come to terms with there never being a relationship to have in the event she ever charmed or recycled. She has had so much trauma she'd need a lot of help to just be tolerable. I understand now why they all left, I just figured they didn't care or see her the same way I did. I was probably very wrong.

I have up days when I barely think about it, and down days when it's all I think about. My self hate is an issue. She was never abusive in the sense that she ever insulted me in any way, not ever. It was how she used situations and past experiences to 'devalue' and make you feel you're nothing. Another significant trait was recounting situations we were in differently to how they happened or even differently to how she originally recounted them depending on her mood.

I guess I could throw confusion into the mix of feelings as well. All her 'ex's' she still has on social media, recently anyway. Painting black is not a trait that is typical of her. Devaluing definitely is, but painting black isn't. I have clearly been painted black which is unique to her typical characteristics. It's frustrating not knowing why, what the difference is. Maybe I put too much emotional energy into it and she couldn't handle it, I have no idea. She had nothing to create a negative out of, so maybe that's where the dream came from. I'm just thinking out loud at this point.

Anyway thanks for the immediate support and concern! Greatly appreciated!

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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2020, 06:17:27 AM »


Take the following as very "broad" advice.

Most of us "nons" are very rational people, the truth is what is objectively/rationally true and provable.

Most pwBPD have a hard time regulating emotions and "feel" those emotions in very very powerful ways.  They are so powerful "that they must be true".

Therefor "feelings equals facts" in their mind.

Now..most rational people would want to know if "they've got it wrong".  Most pwBPD have their distress increase when their reality is challenged, so they try to shut that down.

Compare that to most "nons", that might be distressed at finding out they saw things incorrectly, usually there is relief "to finally know the truth".

This is very hard for most "nons" to wrap their heads around and you can easily imagine how this is very tough to deal with in an intimate romantic relationship.

Let's switch gears.

What is your plan to care for yourself and heal while detaching from this relationship?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2020, 07:21:24 AM »

She had nothing to create a negative out of, so maybe that's where the dream came from.

Sorry if I'm opinionated, I am going through similiar stuff right now, so take it with a grain of salt: But what you said is not based in reality. What fed the ilussion in terms of how "amazing" it was - is exactly what is devalued and being painted black. In other words, you just being there, you participating in the fantasy, is your ultimate sin in their eyes. And not without a good reason. Them being angry that the fantasy cannot continue is probably the only sane thing about it. And it speaks volumes about the person who didn't leave it, was drawn to it, and, let's be honest, created it.

Us staying with them, us not running for the hills, us "caring" about them - and reasons for which we did it - makes us much more similar to them than we'd like to admit.
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« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2020, 08:05:24 AM »

 Them being angry that the fantasy cannot continue is probably the only sane thing about it.

Hey...so I'll start by suggesting that we never know exactly why someone is angry and even sometimes it's hard to sort through our own complex feelings.

"Being angry" that something cannot continue is a "rational" way to look at it and would indicate someone has lots of insight.  I'll submit this is the way many nons operation.

I will further suggest that many pwBPD like insight and therefore aren't sure why they are angry and at the moment they area angry it's likely so overwhelming they don't ever remember NOT being angry.  It can be all consuming to them.

Since they can't (or it's uncomfortable for them) sort it out, they often like to blame others.

So...I would suggest you "try on" the view that "they are angry" instead of "they are angry because".

Hopefully that will help with a more empathetic approach.

Oh..and I would also caution against saying that one way is better or worse, rather I would focus on how different they are and what the impact of those differences might be.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2020, 09:42:52 AM »

Excerpt
Us staying with them, us not running for the hills, us "caring" about them - and reasons for which we did it - makes us much more similar to them than we'd like to admit. 

Nonsense. Broadstroking isn't helpful for anyone, Din Din. People get involved with people with BPD for a load of different reasons, and many stay for just as many.

Healthy people don't always run for the hills when involved with a disordered one. That is black and white thinking and unhelpful.

I respect your right to an opinion, but it's factually incorrect.
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« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2020, 11:30:27 AM »


Most pwBPD have a hard time regulating emotions and "feel" those emotions in very very powerful ways.  They are so powerful "that they must be true".

Therefor "feelings equals facts" in their mind.



This so true as I think through the episodes.  This explains it all for me.   Example - SO feels that I am staring at other women as we exit the airplane.  The feeling gets so strong that she explodes at me for staring at other women, when in reality I was looking for the sign to tell me where baggage claim is. 
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ALS

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« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2020, 11:17:34 PM »


What is your plan to care for yourself and heal while detaching from this relationship?

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ALS

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« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2020, 11:54:15 PM »

I'm trying to return to my life prior to getting deeply involved with her. Finding it difficult to find the same motivation towards hobbies but improving day by day. Self esteem has been an issue also; depression heavily triggered.

As for contact, I have no intentions of trying to make any. If what she said in the 'split note' is true which I highly doubt it is, then it's on her. How she split was brutal so I have no interest in hearing from her at this particular time. Having said that after gaining some perspective on the whole thing I'm curious to see if I get painted white. The last time I saw her she was in my arms after all. Don't get me wrong though I'm realistic in my overall outlook at this point.
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« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2020, 03:39:57 AM »

Nonsense. Broadstroking isn't helpful for anyone, Din Din. People get involved with people with BPD for a load of different reasons, and many stay for just as many.

Healthy people don't always run for the hills when involved with a disordered one. That is black and white thinking and unhelpful.

I respect your right to an opinion, but it's factually incorrect.

Sorry, didn't mean to be insensitive, just caught in my own emotions at the moment. Apologise for that. It really is black and white thinking when I look at it, there could be amazing people with no ulterior motives caught in the same madness.

ALS: I'm really sorry you are going through this. You said you were not abused by insults, but was devalued by her using past situations. Could you expand on it, if you feel like it?
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« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2020, 08:44:55 AM »

That's okay, Din Din.

It's more a defence mechanism from me, also. I loved my girlfriend, the person I thought she was. Yes, I saw flags, but I forgave them because I knew I wasn't perfect either. I wanted to love her and for her to be happy and content so we could have a great life together. I didn't know she was diagnosably mentally ill. So I get offended when people try to blame partners of those with BPD (not scolding you here).
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« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2020, 10:26:34 AM »

sounds pretty much what I was put through for sometime Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  Im sorry you were put through that
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« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2020, 10:54:36 AM »

Excerpt
Another aspect that comes to mind that is consistent with people involved with pwBPD is the resilience to leaving. A personal character trait of mine is to not be 'that guy' who's added to the list of people who have left her. It seems people with BPD have that effect on people anyway

People with BPD have that special skill that allows them to understand accurately what we most desire in our partner and they can do that very fast. Once it is done, they can morph almost flawlessly into that ideal partner, for a time…
That is why most of us were convinced we had finally found the ideal partner, basically our female counterpart. It also explains why, when we meet them for the first time, we have this feeling of having known them for a lifetime. Conversation flows easy, you don't feel intimidated, it all feels great, it’s basically a damn fairy tale. At that point, you are already idealized.
It's hard to leave them because of what we felt with them, before they decided to go full BPD mode for some obscure reason, it was so great and we want that back. It takes a lot of willpower to accept the fact that, it was all bullsh*t from the very beginning and that we were no special one.
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« Reply #14 on: September 06, 2020, 01:37:36 AM »

Sorry, didn't mean to be insensitive, just caught in my own emotions at the moment. Apologise for that. It really is black and white thinking when I look at it, there could be amazing people with no ulterior motives caught in the same madness.

ALS: I'm really sorry you are going through this. You said you were not abused by insults, but was devalued by her using past situations. Could you expand on it, if you feel like it?

Didn't fully understand what the implication of your first post was so apologies for that. If you meant what I thought, then I might need to clarify I was unaware of any mental illness(es) she was carrying prior to getting involved. One of the main issues I had was when she was assaulted. That masked a lot of potentially obvious BPD traits I probably would of caught onto but I just assumed it was primarily PTSD.

As for the 'abuse'. She never verbally attacked me or anything like that as I said. If she was feeling down she was good at projecting. Looking back, everything is obvious. If she was down I was coming down with her; usually via unfairly making me feel guilty for not acknowledging specifics in a text, for example.

Originally it was more following the idealization phase. She suddenly would bring up past relationships or hook ups or mention how this person texted her or she texted that person. I guess the point is everything was indirect. I was devalued by her making it clear to me she was now suddenly interested it others or they had interest in her. She stopped with those tactics after she was assaulted, but then it was just push-pull from then on.

I tend to ramble a bit but I suppose the short answer is everything she does/did is/was indirect. I think my own thoughts on her behavior was if she was direct then I actually might leave, but indirectly she could always manipulate and project if I took issue with anything.
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ALS

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« Reply #15 on: September 06, 2020, 01:41:30 AM »

People with BPD have that special skill that allows them to understand accurately what we most desire in our partner and they can do that very fast. Once it is done, they can morph almost flawlessly into that ideal partner, for a time…
That is why most of us were convinced we had finally found the ideal partner, basically our female counterpart. It also explains why, when we meet them for the first time, we have this feeling of having known them for a lifetime. Conversation flows easy, you don't feel intimidated, it all feels great, it’s basically a damn fairy tale. At that point, you are already idealized.
It's hard to leave them because of what we felt with them, before they decided to go full BPD mode for some obscure reason, it was so great and we want that back. It takes a lot of willpower to accept the fact that, it was all bullsh*t from the very beginning and that we were no special one.

This sums it up perfectly.
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« Reply #16 on: September 06, 2020, 04:00:54 AM »

I was devalued by her making it clear to me she was now suddenly interested it others or they had interest in her. She stopped with those tactics after she was assaulted, but then it was just push-pull from then on.

Sounds harsh. How does it make you feel now? What was the point of that "tactic" in your opinion?
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ALS

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« Reply #17 on: September 06, 2020, 05:33:19 PM »

Sounds harsh. How does it make you feel now? What was the point of that "tactic" in your opinion?

In my opinion the point of that tactic was to put me in a position where most people would leave, to see if I'd do so. It's their fear of abandonment.

Nothing could of prepared me for how she split though.
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« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2020, 04:12:59 AM »

hi ALS,

sorry to hear that youre going through this. it was one of the toughest things ive ever been through, but it gets better.

was this at any point declared an "official" relationship? how long in total were the two of you involved?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #19 on: September 12, 2020, 12:43:49 AM »

was this at any point declared an "official" relationship? how long in total were the two of you involved?

It was never 'official'. The start of her episode coincided with what would of been the start. I held on with no intentions of leaving (I was completely naive while it was happening), it was a case of trauma bonding I guess. I tried to distance when I recognized the severity of the toxicity and she wouldn't allow it, just planted seeds of false hope ('I love you', 'you're my best friend' etc). 
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« Reply #20 on: September 12, 2020, 10:59:02 AM »

@Daze507
"That is why most of us were convinced we had finally found the ideal partner, basically our female counterpart. It also explains why, when we meet them for the first time, we have this feeling of having known them for a lifetime. Conversation flows easy, you don't feel intimidated, it all feels great, it’s basically a damn fairy tale. At that point, you are already idealized."

She said she put me on a pedestal. How "perfect" I was. Just because over "one text message" on "the worst day of her life"
So I get it. I actually dont.. Im trying to...
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« Reply #21 on: September 12, 2020, 01:09:03 PM »

So I get it. I actually dont.. Im trying to...

I think I get it, then I don't.

It was similar for me, I happened to be there for her when she needed someone and that was me idolized.

I find myself replaying the whole thing over and over again to try and piece things together. Searching for closure I guess, to know why she reacted the way she did. I'm pretty sure I've figured it out, but it's impossible to know with a pwbpd.

At this point without proper closure, time is a friend. Over a month NC and I still have bad days. 
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« Reply #22 on: September 12, 2020, 08:11:55 PM »

@ALS - I dont get it. I wish I can.. but I dont. I dont want 5 months to be gone..as the Warden said in Shawshank Redemption - dissapears like a fart in the wind"...
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« Reply #23 on: September 13, 2020, 01:59:45 PM »

@ALS - I dont get it. I wish I can.. but I dont. I dont want 5 months to be gone..as the Warden said in Shawshank Redemption - dissapears like a fart in the wind"...

That's how it was for me, no warning. We were the closest we'd been since the idolization phase when she discarded, in the most evil way possible.

Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with because of what comes with it. They manage to trigger every positive and negative emotion you have.
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« Reply #24 on: September 13, 2020, 08:59:45 PM »

@ALS when she beat me she left a scar or two. Mind you I worked for the dept for free for 15 yrs. People I worked with told me or asked if I filed charges. I said what’s the sense. If the person is a Type B personality and I never will see them again why should I worry. If I’m never gonna see them again let me just let it go
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« Reply #25 on: September 15, 2020, 12:48:21 AM »

@ALS when she beat me she left a scar or two. Mind you I worked for the dept for free for 15 yrs. People I worked with told me or asked if I filed charges. I said what’s the sense. If the person is a Type B personality and I never will see them again why should I worry. If I’m never gonna see them again let me just let it go

Do you find there's a part of you that wants them to come back, or make contact? I do.

One half of me has anger or resentment, sometimes genuine dislike for her looking back. How she calculated the 'discard' to inflict maximum pain on me because I cared so much. The other half wants to hold her again.
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« Reply #26 on: September 15, 2020, 01:59:05 PM »

@ALS I trolled on her facebook page, the "Relationship" thing is still there, but not in her profile. Truth be told. I want her to come back. Stupid me for all the hell she put me through for 5 months, the mental torture :cry: I still love her. I miss the sound of her voice. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss her hugs. I still love her. Granted it wasnt suppose to be real as Im told, It was a fantasy an it just came crashing down on me. I still love her.  |--->Is actually crying as he is typing this......
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« Reply #27 on: September 15, 2020, 11:26:49 PM »

It was never 'official'.

i suspect that this is a big piece of what made the relationship so turbulent.

the two of you likely werent much on the same page at many points, if any.

its the nature really, of relationships where you like each other, but arent official. often times one of you wants it more than the other, or one of you wants it more, then less, and then the other person wants it more, and then less. sometimes you test each other. the boundaries arent clear, and there are no clear loyalties, and eventually, someone, or both parties, get hurt.

ive been in a few situations like this in my life, and they can get pretty complicated. sometimes more confusing and traumatic than official relationships ive been in!

and certainly, even more so with someone with bpd traits. no shortage of push/pull and mixed signals.

what probably hurts the most is that she was a very needy woman, and it felt good to fulfill those needs, for her to tell you how much it meant, and then show you something very different. and then to pull a big stunt with the "boyfriend", and to unfriend you, it would leave me feeling small and worthless.

this was a loaded relationship. it will take some sorting out as you detach, but you can heal from this.
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« Reply #28 on: September 18, 2020, 12:49:08 AM »

@ALS I trolled on her facebook page, the "Relationship" thing is still there, but not in her profile. Truth be told. I want her to come back. Stupid me for all the hell she put me through for 5 months, the mental torture :cry: I still love her. I miss the sound of her voice. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss her hugs. I still love her. Granted it wasnt suppose to be real as Im told, It was a fantasy an it just came crashing down on me. I still love her.  |--->Is actually crying as he is typing this......

Can relate completely, similar time frame also. I'm not sure I'll hear from her again, definitely not before she's finished with her current relationship. Even then, if she turns me white again she has to deal with the shame of what she did to me. Then again, she'd probably justify it somehow and expect me to see her side.
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« Reply #29 on: September 18, 2020, 01:02:49 AM »

i suspect that this is a big piece of what made the relationship so turbulent.

I agree. Circumstance ruined it before it got a chance to start, for better or for worse. Circumstance being her episode being triggered by her surgery, she started to struggle and push me away after this.

the two of you likely werent much on the same page at many points, if any.

At the start, and ironically we were closest the week or two before she destroyed me.

its the nature really, of relationships where you like each other, but arent official. often times one of you wants it more than the other, or one of you wants it more, then less, and then the other person wants it more, and then less. sometimes you test each other. the boundaries arent clear, and there are no clear loyalties, and eventually, someone, or both parties, get hurt.

ive been in a few situations like this in my life, and they can get pretty complicated. sometimes more confusing and traumatic than official relationships ive been in!

I can whole heatedly say this is the worst I've experienced.

and certainly, even more so with someone with bpd traits. no shortage of push/pull and mixed signals.

So many I didn't know what the hell was going on.

what probably hurts the most is that she was a very needy woman, and it felt good to fulfill those needs, for her to tell you how much it meant, and then show you something very different. and then to pull a big stunt with the "boyfriend", and to unfriend you, it would leave me feeling small and worthless.

I thought she triggered insecurities that were my problem. Having researched extensively I realized pretty soon we're all effected in very similar ways. We're all different, they're all different, but it all happens so very similar.

this was a loaded relationship. it will take some sorting out as you detach, but you can heal from this.

It was intense. She was very destructive, going from one friend group to the next doing the usual self destructive stuff. I was a constant for her during this period. Her being assaulted put a smoke screen up for me as far as identifying any of her traits (no knowledge of BPD until after the fact). That triggered my instinct to stand by her as well, to try and love her. So I needed to be punished as far as she was concerned.
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« Reply #30 on: September 18, 2020, 03:17:14 AM »

a situation like this is an enormous emotional investment. sometimes even a physical, or even monetary investment.

you wanted this to work out, with everything in you. you wanted to get to that end point.

and then it feels like the rug was pulled from under you, when you were least expecting it.

and youre not ready, emotionally, to let go of that. you want the feelings back. you want the opportunity back. you still want to get to that end point. and on top of that, the manner in which this broke down just leaves you feeling like  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) .

its going to hurt, and it may hurt for a long time. and the more you let go of the investment, the more it will hurt, in the short run.

you will find though, that as you do, that you have survived, and will survive, and youll begin to think that maybe, just maybe, you can recover from this, and even go on to thrive.

and the more you invest in your recovery, the more you will.
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« Reply #31 on: September 18, 2020, 09:25:14 AM »

@ALS
Can relate completely, similar time frame also. I'm not sure I'll hear from her again, definitely not before she's finished with her current relationship. Even then, if she turns me white again she has to deal with the shame of what she did to me. Then again, she'd probably justify it somehow and expect me to see her side.
===
She says she wanted no memory of me. I feel like just sending her an urn for her mothers ashes. and wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving, but I dont know if it pays not to be nice. In this case I dont know what to do.
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« Reply #32 on: September 27, 2020, 04:21:15 AM »

In the interest of 'classic borderline traits' there has been some developments, since the bomb shell of a discard she pulled off.

While going through her 'episode' that I was along for the ride for she was extremely active on social media. In hindsight I think she used social media (Instagram and Snapchat specifically) as triangulation. Anyway, immediately following the discard she was still active, but only for a short period. She posted a few stories of the new 'bf' and 'coincidentally' this abruptly stopped when I stopped viewing the stories.

Since then, she was absolutely silent for 2-3 weeks; dropped off the face of the planet. I was actually concerned at one point she did something stupid. She resurfaced with another post of her bf and best friend she became close to about a month before discard. That was quickly followed by her posting that's she's moving town (not far, actually closer to me but same town as the current bf lives). We can assume she's moving in with him.

This initially killed me, but I've been doing well lately and was able to get myself back on track quickly. Since that post it's been further silence for about a week. She's clearly completely invested in the relationship and everyone and everything she had going on before has been dropped, which is typical in itself.

I think this is the beginning of the end knowing what I know now. Just a question of how long she can maintain herself and how much buddy can put up with. I know I would of been able to take a lot, probably far too much before reaching my limit. I took too much as it was.

To my knowledge, she has never properly moved out from home. In her previous relationships she used to spend as much time as possible at their places to the point where she was living there but not officially. She posted this on an alternate account which she uses to separate what she doesn't want her family or others to see. So I'm thinking maybe she doesn't want to officially move out from her parents as far as they are concerned, just in case she has to move back. Which we know is a certainty.
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« Reply #33 on: September 27, 2020, 09:13:10 AM »

@ALS - she calls my cell the other day, blaming me for calling code enforcement on her. When I did not. She went on for 3 hours how I am bothering her. When I didnt.When I said "you hit me" and she responded you didnt have scars, I said thats for me to know - she attributed that to a "threat" dont ask me how or why. And she is with someone. She also stated something she received she from a gift I had for her - way before the breakup - she gave it to her new man's kid. What gets me is, she said "she never wanted kids or to be a parent" just a cat-mom. And now.. this.. I dont get it.
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« Reply #34 on: September 28, 2020, 02:10:23 AM »

@ALS - She also stated something she received she from a gift I had for her - way before the breakup - she gave it to her new man's kid. What gets me is, she said "she never wanted kids or to be a parent" just a cat-mom. And now.. this.. I dont get it.

I think this is because she has morphed herself into the ideal partner for her new man. If/when this relationship ends she will probably resume the same attitude of not wanting kids.

The gift I gave to my person triggered the discard. In hindsight she just couldn't regulate the emotions that came with it given the situation at the time. In my opinion anyway.
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« Reply #35 on: September 28, 2020, 10:18:35 AM »

She also stated something she received she from a gift I had for her - way before the breakup - she gave it to her new man's kid. What gets me is, she said "she never wanted kids or to be a parent" just a cat-mom. And now.. this.. I dont get it.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) legalboxers,

I hear you loud and clear on the "I don't get it" in regards to the BPD's constantly changing viewpoints, goals, moods, etc. It's funny how your ex isn't interested in kids or being parent, and now she's with someone that has a child. I'd be willing to bet that her opinion changes again in the coming weeks.

Throughout my relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f, she stated that she would never live with someone prior to marriage because it was against her religious beliefs and it set a bad example for her kids. She was fairly consistent with the marriage before living together, but flip flopped back and forth frequently regarding sex before marriage. That happened so often it made my head spin.

As you already know, she discarded me because I wouldn't marry her until she sorted out her emotional issues, then picked up her rebound guy two weeks later (probably started talking to him well before that). I'm still friends with most of her family and a couple of friends as well. One of our mutual friends said my ex started hitting the rebound guy up for marriage 3 months into their relationship. His reply to that was no and that marriage scared him. I was told last week that she recently offered to let him move into her home with her and the children. Supposedly he declined that offer for now as well. I couldn't help but chuckle at that since she was adamant about not living with someone prior to marriage. Must be she's getting desperate financially and emotionally for a full-time caretaker. My guess is that he probably sees some issues with her and is afraid to get in too deep. They are nearing the 5 month mark, so they honeymoon phase is probably starting to wear off.

Meanwhile, I've had two social media pings from her in the last 2.5 weeks even though I unfriended her from both of my social media accounts. The most recent one was last evening. I've ignored both of her pings. My counselor said she feels like it's bait to see if I'll bite so she can check on my availability.   I had a visit from her son a week ago when I was working out in my yard. He was next door at his grandparent's home and wanted to say hello to me. I don't mind visits from her kids, but I really don't desire to speak to her after everything that's happened.
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« Reply #36 on: September 28, 2020, 09:44:02 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) legalboxers,

I hear you loud and clear on the "I don't get it" in regards to the BPD's constantly changing viewpoints, goals, moods, etc. It's funny how your ex isn't interested in kids or being parent, and now she's with someone that has a child. I'd be willing to bet that her opinion changes again in the coming weeks.

Agreed. They just morph into the ideal partner until they can't maintain the additional character traits they added to themselves.

Throughout my relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f, she stated that she would never live with someone prior to marriage because it was against her religious beliefs and it set a bad example for her kids. She was fairly consistent with the marriage before living together, but flip flopped back and forth frequently regarding sex before marriage. That happened so often it made my head spin.

As you already know, she discarded me because I wouldn't marry her until she sorted out her emotional issues, then picked up her rebound guy two weeks later (probably started talking to him well before that). I'm still friends with most of her family and a couple of friends as well. One of our mutual friends said my ex started hitting the rebound guy up for marriage 3 months into their relationship. His reply to that was no and that marriage scared him. I was told last week that she recently offered to let him move into her home with her and the children. Supposedly he declined that offer for now as well. I couldn't help but chuckle at that since she was adamant about not living with someone prior to marriage. Must be she's getting desperate financially and emotionally for a full-time caretaker. My guess is that he probably sees some issues with her and is afraid to get in too deep. They are nearing the 5 month mark, so they honeymoon phase is probably starting to wear off.


Sounds pretty typical.

Meanwhile, I've had two social media pings from her in the last 2.5 weeks even though I unfriended her from both of my social media accounts. The most recent one was last evening. I've ignored both of her pings. My counselor said she feels like it's bait to see if I'll bite so she can check on my availability.   I had a visit from her son a week ago when I was working out in my yard. He was next door at his grandparent's home and wanted to say hello to me. I don't mind visits from her kids, but I really don't desire to speak to her after everything that's happened.
[/b]

I'm curious to see if the girl who discarded me in epic fashion ever makes contact again. She's moving in with her bf this week. As stated above, in past relationships she's spent as much time as she could at ex's to the point of being quite suffocating from what I understand. She's moving out officially for the first time so doesn't have her parents to fall back on. Also it's over in the next town, only a short drive but long enough that she might move jobs. She'll be out of her comfort zone when it all comes crashing down which I'm mildly concerned about. Or maybe it never does, don't know what to expect these days.
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« Reply #37 on: September 29, 2020, 10:58:45 AM »

[/b]

I'm curious to see if the girl who discarded me in epic fashion ever makes contact again. She's moving in with her bf this week. As stated above, in past relationships she's spent as much time as she could at ex's to the point of being quite suffocating from what I understand. She's moving out officially for the first time so doesn't have her parents to fall back on. Also it's over in the next town, only a short drive but long enough that she might move jobs. She'll be out of her comfort zone when it all comes crashing down which I'm mildly concerned about. Or maybe it never does, don't know what to expect these days.

It seems like they make contact when you least expect it. Based on several posts that I've read in here, it could be a month, a year, or as long as 10 years. Did you have your ex on social media? If so, have you removed her? I removed my ex from both of my accounts towards the end of May. She was liking and commenting on my posts right up until I unfriended her, which would have been 6 weeks or so after the breakup. What she's doing now is liking/commenting on posts that I've made on mutual friends pages. It's bizarre because these mutual friends will make these posts, and I'll comment and like their posts. She'll go in there and like or comment on what I've I've said to our mutual friends but won't like or comment on what the mutual friend originally posted. As I said, it's bizarre and makes no sense. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) My counselor said she thinks it's bait to see if I'll bite and to see how available I am and also to say "Here I am. I'm still here." Maybe she's getting frustrated that he won't marry her or move in with her, so she's starting to look for another recycle or someone completely new. I wonder what her rebound man that she wants to move in with her would think about this? I assume he shouldn't be too surprised by this since she discarded him over two years ago to start seeing me but kept in touch with him to a certain degree while I was dating her. Then he was right there willing and ready for the recycle when she and I broke up. My guess is he's just there for the sex and companionship.  Like several of my friends have said "They deserve each other."
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« Reply #38 on: September 30, 2020, 12:07:16 AM »

It seems like they make contact when you least expect it. Based on several posts that I've read in here, it could be a month, a year, or as long as 10 years. Did you have your ex on social media? If so, have you removed her? I removed my ex from both of my accounts towards the end of May. She was liking and commenting on my posts right up until I unfriended her, which would have been 6 weeks or so after the breakup. What she's doing now is liking/commenting on posts that I've made on mutual friends pages. It's bizarre because these mutual friends will make these posts, and I'll comment and like their posts. She'll go in there and like or comment on what I've I've said to our mutual friends but won't like or comment on what the mutual friend originally posted. As I said, it's bizarre and makes no sense. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) My counselor said she thinks it's bait to see if I'll bite and to see how available I am and also to say "Here I am. I'm still here." Maybe she's getting frustrated that he won't marry her or move in with her, so she's starting to look for another recycle or someone completely new. I wonder what her rebound man that she wants to move in with her would think about this? I assume he shouldn't be too surprised by this since she discarded him over two years ago to start seeing me but kept in touch with him to a certain degree while I was dating her. Then he was right there willing and ready for the recycle when she and I broke up. My guess is he's just there for the sex and companionship.  Like several of my friends have said "They deserve each other."

First post on this thread was my 'ordeal'. Unfriended me on Facebook and Snapchat (main source of communication) and unfollowed on Instagram (not blocked). If you want someone out your life, you block them. I'm sure she just wanted to see if I'd unfollow and if not then she knows she could punish me through stories I'd see of her new happy life etc. It's all good, I'm curious to see how it unfolds.
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« Reply #39 on: October 01, 2020, 02:06:40 AM »

It's all good, I'm curious to see how it unfolds.

i was, too.

i have to ask though, to what end?

what if it doesnt unfold? in my own case, my ex and her new relationship lasted for 4 years.

no judgment in this question, just a thought: what is it youre waiting for, and why?
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« Reply #40 on: October 02, 2020, 12:58:04 AM »

i was, too.

i have to ask though, to what end?

what if it doesnt unfold? in my own case, my ex and her new relationship lasted for 4 years.

no judgment in this question, just a thought: what is it youre waiting for, and why?

Had a missed call from her today (first attempt at contact since the discard). Didn't respond, not ready yet.

I honestly don't know the answer to your questions. I think it's because typically she doesn't discard, as most leave her before it gets to that point. I had a hard time accepting that the more you love the more they punish (at least that's what it seemed like). I don't think she would of split me if I hadn't overwhelmed her with the gift for example. I think there was shame involved, as he realized she'd backed herself into a corner and couldn't live with the fact she'd led me on in the final weeks and whatever she did was going to hurt either me or the other fella. 
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« Reply #41 on: October 02, 2020, 06:29:04 AM »

I don't think she would of split me if I hadn't overwhelmed her with the gift for example. 

I would spend some time reflecting on this in particular and also looking around to see if this pattern of evaluating things happens with other things she has done.

"Oh...well, I'm sure she wouldn't have (blank) if I wouldn't have (blank)."

Do you think this is helpful? 

Best,

FF
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« Reply #42 on: October 03, 2020, 01:48:30 PM »

I would spend some time reflecting on this in particular and also looking around to see if this pattern of evaluating things happens with other things she has done.

"Oh...well, I'm sure she wouldn't have (blank) if I wouldn't have (blank)."

Do you think this is helpful? 

Best,

FF

It's a constant thought pattern but I have no regrets over this situation, or any. She was extremely happy in the moment which was my intention. If she had to go away and spend a day manifesting me into a bad person then it's a damn shame, but out of my control and not my problem at the end of the day.

Had another call yesterday.
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