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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Are these classic borderline traits?  (Read 1059 times)
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« Reply #30 on: September 18, 2020, 03:17:14 AM »

a situation like this is an enormous emotional investment. sometimes even a physical, or even monetary investment.

you wanted this to work out, with everything in you. you wanted to get to that end point.

and then it feels like the rug was pulled from under you, when you were least expecting it.

and youre not ready, emotionally, to let go of that. you want the feelings back. you want the opportunity back. you still want to get to that end point. and on top of that, the manner in which this broke down just leaves you feeling like  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) .

its going to hurt, and it may hurt for a long time. and the more you let go of the investment, the more it will hurt, in the short run.

you will find though, that as you do, that you have survived, and will survive, and youll begin to think that maybe, just maybe, you can recover from this, and even go on to thrive.

and the more you invest in your recovery, the more you will.
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« Reply #31 on: September 18, 2020, 09:25:14 AM »

@ALS
Can relate completely, similar time frame also. I'm not sure I'll hear from her again, definitely not before she's finished with her current relationship. Even then, if she turns me white again she has to deal with the shame of what she did to me. Then again, she'd probably justify it somehow and expect me to see her side.
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She says she wanted no memory of me. I feel like just sending her an urn for her mothers ashes. and wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving, but I dont know if it pays not to be nice. In this case I dont know what to do.
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« Reply #32 on: September 27, 2020, 04:21:15 AM »

In the interest of 'classic borderline traits' there has been some developments, since the bomb shell of a discard she pulled off.

While going through her 'episode' that I was along for the ride for she was extremely active on social media. In hindsight I think she used social media (Instagram and Snapchat specifically) as triangulation. Anyway, immediately following the discard she was still active, but only for a short period. She posted a few stories of the new 'bf' and 'coincidentally' this abruptly stopped when I stopped viewing the stories.

Since then, she was absolutely silent for 2-3 weeks; dropped off the face of the planet. I was actually concerned at one point she did something stupid. She resurfaced with another post of her bf and best friend she became close to about a month before discard. That was quickly followed by her posting that's she's moving town (not far, actually closer to me but same town as the current bf lives). We can assume she's moving in with him.

This initially killed me, but I've been doing well lately and was able to get myself back on track quickly. Since that post it's been further silence for about a week. She's clearly completely invested in the relationship and everyone and everything she had going on before has been dropped, which is typical in itself.

I think this is the beginning of the end knowing what I know now. Just a question of how long she can maintain herself and how much buddy can put up with. I know I would of been able to take a lot, probably far too much before reaching my limit. I took too much as it was.

To my knowledge, she has never properly moved out from home. In her previous relationships she used to spend as much time as possible at their places to the point where she was living there but not officially. She posted this on an alternate account which she uses to separate what she doesn't want her family or others to see. So I'm thinking maybe she doesn't want to officially move out from her parents as far as they are concerned, just in case she has to move back. Which we know is a certainty.
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« Reply #33 on: September 27, 2020, 09:13:10 AM »

@ALS - she calls my cell the other day, blaming me for calling code enforcement on her. When I did not. She went on for 3 hours how I am bothering her. When I didnt.When I said "you hit me" and she responded you didnt have scars, I said thats for me to know - she attributed that to a "threat" dont ask me how or why. And she is with someone. She also stated something she received she from a gift I had for her - way before the breakup - she gave it to her new man's kid. What gets me is, she said "she never wanted kids or to be a parent" just a cat-mom. And now.. this.. I dont get it.
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« Reply #34 on: September 28, 2020, 02:10:23 AM »

@ALS - She also stated something she received she from a gift I had for her - way before the breakup - she gave it to her new man's kid. What gets me is, she said "she never wanted kids or to be a parent" just a cat-mom. And now.. this.. I dont get it.

I think this is because she has morphed herself into the ideal partner for her new man. If/when this relationship ends she will probably resume the same attitude of not wanting kids.

The gift I gave to my person triggered the discard. In hindsight she just couldn't regulate the emotions that came with it given the situation at the time. In my opinion anyway.
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« Reply #35 on: September 28, 2020, 10:18:35 AM »

She also stated something she received she from a gift I had for her - way before the breakup - she gave it to her new man's kid. What gets me is, she said "she never wanted kids or to be a parent" just a cat-mom. And now.. this.. I dont get it.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) legalboxers,

I hear you loud and clear on the "I don't get it" in regards to the BPD's constantly changing viewpoints, goals, moods, etc. It's funny how your ex isn't interested in kids or being parent, and now she's with someone that has a child. I'd be willing to bet that her opinion changes again in the coming weeks.

Throughout my relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f, she stated that she would never live with someone prior to marriage because it was against her religious beliefs and it set a bad example for her kids. She was fairly consistent with the marriage before living together, but flip flopped back and forth frequently regarding sex before marriage. That happened so often it made my head spin.

As you already know, she discarded me because I wouldn't marry her until she sorted out her emotional issues, then picked up her rebound guy two weeks later (probably started talking to him well before that). I'm still friends with most of her family and a couple of friends as well. One of our mutual friends said my ex started hitting the rebound guy up for marriage 3 months into their relationship. His reply to that was no and that marriage scared him. I was told last week that she recently offered to let him move into her home with her and the children. Supposedly he declined that offer for now as well. I couldn't help but chuckle at that since she was adamant about not living with someone prior to marriage. Must be she's getting desperate financially and emotionally for a full-time caretaker. My guess is that he probably sees some issues with her and is afraid to get in too deep. They are nearing the 5 month mark, so they honeymoon phase is probably starting to wear off.

Meanwhile, I've had two social media pings from her in the last 2.5 weeks even though I unfriended her from both of my social media accounts. The most recent one was last evening. I've ignored both of her pings. My counselor said she feels like it's bait to see if I'll bite so she can check on my availability.   I had a visit from her son a week ago when I was working out in my yard. He was next door at his grandparent's home and wanted to say hello to me. I don't mind visits from her kids, but I really don't desire to speak to her after everything that's happened.
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« Reply #36 on: September 28, 2020, 09:44:02 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) legalboxers,

I hear you loud and clear on the "I don't get it" in regards to the BPD's constantly changing viewpoints, goals, moods, etc. It's funny how your ex isn't interested in kids or being parent, and now she's with someone that has a child. I'd be willing to bet that her opinion changes again in the coming weeks.

Agreed. They just morph into the ideal partner until they can't maintain the additional character traits they added to themselves.

Throughout my relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f, she stated that she would never live with someone prior to marriage because it was against her religious beliefs and it set a bad example for her kids. She was fairly consistent with the marriage before living together, but flip flopped back and forth frequently regarding sex before marriage. That happened so often it made my head spin.

As you already know, she discarded me because I wouldn't marry her until she sorted out her emotional issues, then picked up her rebound guy two weeks later (probably started talking to him well before that). I'm still friends with most of her family and a couple of friends as well. One of our mutual friends said my ex started hitting the rebound guy up for marriage 3 months into their relationship. His reply to that was no and that marriage scared him. I was told last week that she recently offered to let him move into her home with her and the children. Supposedly he declined that offer for now as well. I couldn't help but chuckle at that since she was adamant about not living with someone prior to marriage. Must be she's getting desperate financially and emotionally for a full-time caretaker. My guess is that he probably sees some issues with her and is afraid to get in too deep. They are nearing the 5 month mark, so they honeymoon phase is probably starting to wear off.


Sounds pretty typical.

Meanwhile, I've had two social media pings from her in the last 2.5 weeks even though I unfriended her from both of my social media accounts. The most recent one was last evening. I've ignored both of her pings. My counselor said she feels like it's bait to see if I'll bite so she can check on my availability.   I had a visit from her son a week ago when I was working out in my yard. He was next door at his grandparent's home and wanted to say hello to me. I don't mind visits from her kids, but I really don't desire to speak to her after everything that's happened.
[/b]

I'm curious to see if the girl who discarded me in epic fashion ever makes contact again. She's moving in with her bf this week. As stated above, in past relationships she's spent as much time as she could at ex's to the point of being quite suffocating from what I understand. She's moving out officially for the first time so doesn't have her parents to fall back on. Also it's over in the next town, only a short drive but long enough that she might move jobs. She'll be out of her comfort zone when it all comes crashing down which I'm mildly concerned about. Or maybe it never does, don't know what to expect these days.
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« Reply #37 on: September 29, 2020, 10:58:45 AM »

[/b]

I'm curious to see if the girl who discarded me in epic fashion ever makes contact again. She's moving in with her bf this week. As stated above, in past relationships she's spent as much time as she could at ex's to the point of being quite suffocating from what I understand. She's moving out officially for the first time so doesn't have her parents to fall back on. Also it's over in the next town, only a short drive but long enough that she might move jobs. She'll be out of her comfort zone when it all comes crashing down which I'm mildly concerned about. Or maybe it never does, don't know what to expect these days.

It seems like they make contact when you least expect it. Based on several posts that I've read in here, it could be a month, a year, or as long as 10 years. Did you have your ex on social media? If so, have you removed her? I removed my ex from both of my accounts towards the end of May. She was liking and commenting on my posts right up until I unfriended her, which would have been 6 weeks or so after the breakup. What she's doing now is liking/commenting on posts that I've made on mutual friends pages. It's bizarre because these mutual friends will make these posts, and I'll comment and like their posts. She'll go in there and like or comment on what I've I've said to our mutual friends but won't like or comment on what the mutual friend originally posted. As I said, it's bizarre and makes no sense. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) My counselor said she thinks it's bait to see if I'll bite and to see how available I am and also to say "Here I am. I'm still here." Maybe she's getting frustrated that he won't marry her or move in with her, so she's starting to look for another recycle or someone completely new. I wonder what her rebound man that she wants to move in with her would think about this? I assume he shouldn't be too surprised by this since she discarded him over two years ago to start seeing me but kept in touch with him to a certain degree while I was dating her. Then he was right there willing and ready for the recycle when she and I broke up. My guess is he's just there for the sex and companionship.  Like several of my friends have said "They deserve each other."
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« Reply #38 on: September 30, 2020, 12:07:16 AM »

It seems like they make contact when you least expect it. Based on several posts that I've read in here, it could be a month, a year, or as long as 10 years. Did you have your ex on social media? If so, have you removed her? I removed my ex from both of my accounts towards the end of May. She was liking and commenting on my posts right up until I unfriended her, which would have been 6 weeks or so after the breakup. What she's doing now is liking/commenting on posts that I've made on mutual friends pages. It's bizarre because these mutual friends will make these posts, and I'll comment and like their posts. She'll go in there and like or comment on what I've I've said to our mutual friends but won't like or comment on what the mutual friend originally posted. As I said, it's bizarre and makes no sense. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) My counselor said she thinks it's bait to see if I'll bite and to see how available I am and also to say "Here I am. I'm still here." Maybe she's getting frustrated that he won't marry her or move in with her, so she's starting to look for another recycle or someone completely new. I wonder what her rebound man that she wants to move in with her would think about this? I assume he shouldn't be too surprised by this since she discarded him over two years ago to start seeing me but kept in touch with him to a certain degree while I was dating her. Then he was right there willing and ready for the recycle when she and I broke up. My guess is he's just there for the sex and companionship.  Like several of my friends have said "They deserve each other."

First post on this thread was my 'ordeal'. Unfriended me on Facebook and Snapchat (main source of communication) and unfollowed on Instagram (not blocked). If you want someone out your life, you block them. I'm sure she just wanted to see if I'd unfollow and if not then she knows she could punish me through stories I'd see of her new happy life etc. It's all good, I'm curious to see how it unfolds.
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« Reply #39 on: October 01, 2020, 02:06:40 AM »

It's all good, I'm curious to see how it unfolds.

i was, too.

i have to ask though, to what end?

what if it doesnt unfold? in my own case, my ex and her new relationship lasted for 4 years.

no judgment in this question, just a thought: what is it youre waiting for, and why?
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« Reply #40 on: October 02, 2020, 12:58:04 AM »

i was, too.

i have to ask though, to what end?

what if it doesnt unfold? in my own case, my ex and her new relationship lasted for 4 years.

no judgment in this question, just a thought: what is it youre waiting for, and why?

Had a missed call from her today (first attempt at contact since the discard). Didn't respond, not ready yet.

I honestly don't know the answer to your questions. I think it's because typically she doesn't discard, as most leave her before it gets to that point. I had a hard time accepting that the more you love the more they punish (at least that's what it seemed like). I don't think she would of split me if I hadn't overwhelmed her with the gift for example. I think there was shame involved, as he realized she'd backed herself into a corner and couldn't live with the fact she'd led me on in the final weeks and whatever she did was going to hurt either me or the other fella. 
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« Reply #41 on: October 02, 2020, 06:29:04 AM »

I don't think she would of split me if I hadn't overwhelmed her with the gift for example. 

I would spend some time reflecting on this in particular and also looking around to see if this pattern of evaluating things happens with other things she has done.

"Oh...well, I'm sure she wouldn't have (blank) if I wouldn't have (blank)."

Do you think this is helpful? 

Best,

FF
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« Reply #42 on: October 03, 2020, 01:48:30 PM »

I would spend some time reflecting on this in particular and also looking around to see if this pattern of evaluating things happens with other things she has done.

"Oh...well, I'm sure she wouldn't have (blank) if I wouldn't have (blank)."

Do you think this is helpful? 

Best,

FF

It's a constant thought pattern but I have no regrets over this situation, or any. She was extremely happy in the moment which was my intention. If she had to go away and spend a day manifesting me into a bad person then it's a damn shame, but out of my control and not my problem at the end of the day.

Had another call yesterday.
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