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Author Topic: Does my ex have BPD or Depression?  (Read 324 times)
top10point5

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« on: September 07, 2020, 06:04:56 PM »

What is the difference between BPD vs Depression? Can someone with BDP also suffer from depression?

The reason I'm asking was because I was recently dumped out of the blue after a 2 year relationship. Overall the relationship was wonderful. Her friends and family loved me and we got along great. She would always tell me she loved me and wants to marry me. Then a tragic family situation occurred, her work load and school load increased. She started complaining about feeling overwhelmed and wanting to break down and she slowly started distancing herself from me and pulling away.

She claims due to her depression she cannot handle a relationship right now along with having other stressors (school, work, and family issues). She claims I would be happier with someone else and that she doesn't want to bring me down.

She's been giving me hot and cold behavior since the break up. Sometimes she wants to text, other times she takes a while to respond to my text. She's admitted to pulling away and being distant, but when I'm distant myself she says I make her feel alone and that I don't care and don't want to be her friend. She wants to be friends and still hang out. We've hanged out twice, last time she held my hands and hugged me multiple times, although still wanting to break up.

I read that sometimes depression can be misdiagnosed with BPD.
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« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2020, 06:12:23 PM »

What is the difference between BPD vs Depression? Can someone with BDP also suffer from depression?

The reason I'm asking was because I was recently dumped out of the blue after a 2 year relationship. Overall the relationship was wonderful. Her friends and family loved me and we got along great. She would always tell me she loved me and wants to marry me. Then a tragic family situation occurred, her work load and school load increased. She started complaining about feeling overwhelmed and wanting to break down and she slowly started distancing herself from me and pulling away.

She claims due to her depression she cannot handle a relationship right now along with having other stressors (school, work, and family issues). She claims I would be happier with someone else and that she doesn't want to bring me down.

She's been giving me hot and cold behavior since the break up. Sometimes she wants to text, other times she takes a while to respond to my text. She's admitted to pulling away and being distant, but when I'm distant myself she says I make her feel alone and that I don't care and don't want to be her friend. She wants to be friends and still hang out. We've hanged out twice, last time she held my hands and hugged me multiple times, although still wanting to break up.

I read that sometimes depression can be misdiagnosed with BPD.

So that's a really great question - particularly if you're looking for closure. And I will say that it is next to impossible to answer. It's a chicken and egg question really.

Clinically the difference does not lie at the level of traits but of causation.  For sure that someone who suffers from BPD or NPD or any other mood disorder may also suffer from depression.

BPD itself, on its own, is a maladaptive way of dealing with childhood trauma that causes a sense of deep seated self to not fully develop.   Typically, these are children who are adopted, sexually abused or neglected.  It is typified by a severe lack of self awareness because, literally people who suffer from a mood disorder have trouble knowing who they are on a spiritual level.

Hope this helps.

And welcome to our little community here. Lots of great support.

Rev
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2020, 11:13:32 AM »

Hey top10, I agree w/Rev: there's a lot of overlap, so it's tough to draw a bright line between the two.  I suggest you review the diagnostic criteria for BPD to get a better handle on it.  You may never know for sure, which is what makes closure so difficult, as Rev suggests.  It sounds like she's giving you mixed signals.  I suggest you put yourself first, by focusing on yourself and your needs.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive to be authentic.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2020, 04:21:23 PM »

In my experience, as raw as it is, depression is their low point, which maybe you've seen or heard about.

What makes it BPD, not getting into the clinical side of things, is their "rage point" or their sense of reality or as I refer to, their unreality.

My example:

My s/o told me she may have moments that I find her to be unhinged, and that they may happen often, even though I had yet to see these things months into the relationship.

When one of these moments finally came up, she became even more angry that I was "using her words against her" even though it was exactly what she described.

Additionally, she told me to get to know her family, which was really just the basic hellos and I told them about myself and they all seemed very nice and receptive, some talked to me more than others. When the above "unhinged moment" came to be, I contacted her family and let's just say that was the ultimate betrayal. "I can't believe you brought my family into this" while having previously told me to contact her family, to get to know them, in case I ever needed to contact them.

Depression is a state of mind, a low point, that has its own set of issues. BPD is more than that, but has many of the same qualities and outcomes.
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JNChell
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« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2020, 10:50:48 PM »

Depression is a staple of BPD. It can come and go within minutes. BPD is also very commonly comorbid with other conditions that might have an affect on depression. It’s terrible that she lost someone? Is that what happened? It sounds like a lot of explanation and excuses got thrown on top of that.

Brother, if she’s telling you that you’d be better off with someone else? Listen to that and say your farewells to this young lady. I don’t even know you, but if I can give one little bit of good advice to a young man here...Do not go back. You will be setting yourself up for a painful experience. She told you to stay away because in her mind she knows that you’ll be there. Please don’t for your own good.

Maybe it is only depression. Maybe it’s BPD. Maybe it’s Bipolar. There is nothing wrong with any of these things by themselves, alone with an individual that is working through it. However, if someone is flailing in their emotions and constantly needs a savior...then says leave them alone? That’s on them. Labels are labels. The behaviors matter. Maybe try to talk to her about her feelings. No labels in the conversation. Do that, and it’s done. If you have this talk, don’t be emotional. Listen to how many times she says “I”, and how many times she asks for your thoughts.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2020, 10:55:57 PM by JNChell » Logged

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JNChell
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« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2020, 11:00:16 PM »

You’ve received a lot of information. Just let us know that you’re still breathing  when you’re done reading it.Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Everything is going to be alright man.
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« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2020, 03:57:50 AM »

Excerpt
She's been giving me hot and cold behavior since the break up

are you wanting to get back together?
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top10point5

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« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2020, 02:32:55 PM »

are you wanting to get back together?

I know I sound crazy, but yes. But, we would have to take things slow and have a conversation regarding that she doesn't have to be alone if something like this were to happen in the future. This is the first time it's happened in our relationship, I know she's told me she felt alone and no one truly cared for her last time it happened 2-3 years ago.

I wasn't apart in her life, but now that I am she made the decision without my input that she doesn't want to be a burden on me and knows that i care for her, so in her mind I should it's best to push me away to save me from being apart of her misery. I'm a supportive person, so I would've support her along the way.

I made a thread with more details below:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=346289.new#new
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top10point5

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« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2020, 02:40:43 PM »

Depression is a staple of BPD. It can come and go within minutes. BPD is also very commonly comorbid with other conditions that might have an affect on depression. It’s terrible that she lost someone? Is that what happened? It sounds like a lot of explanation and excuses got thrown on top of that.

Brother, if she’s telling you that you’d be better off with someone else? Listen to that and say your farewells to this young lady. I don’t even know you, but if I can give one little bit of good advice to a young man here...Do not go back. You will be setting yourself up for a painful experience. She told you to stay away because in her mind she knows that you’ll be there. Please don’t for your own good.

Maybe it is only depression. Maybe it’s BPD. Maybe it’s Bipolar. There is nothing wrong with any of these things by themselves, alone with an individual that is working through it. However, if someone is flailing in their emotions and constantly needs a savior...then says leave them alone? That’s on them. Labels are labels. The behaviors matter. Maybe try to talk to her about her feelings. No labels in the conversation. Do that, and it’s done. If you have this talk, don’t be emotional. Listen to how many times she says “I”, and how many times she asks for your thoughts.

Thanks for your advice. It was a family member that had a stroke and was hospitalized. Also, there's ongoing family drama that they pull her into, even though she tries to not be apart, but since it's family it impacts her cause she feels bad. Her workload increased with someone leaving her department at work, and her school workload increased too.

Prior to the breakup she would tell me how she can't handle all this stress and sometimes would feel like breaking down.

I know I sound like a white knight Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), but I feel bad abandon her in her time of need. Majority of relationship was really good and when I was going through work stress & lost a family member she was always supportive of me.
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top10point5

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« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2020, 02:44:47 PM »

In my experience, as raw as it is, depression is their low point, which maybe you've seen or heard about.

What makes it BPD, not getting into the clinical side of things, is their "rage point" or their sense of reality or as I refer to, their unreality.

My example:

My s/o told me she may have moments that I find her to be unhinged, and that they may happen often, even though I had yet to see these things months into the relationship.

When one of these moments finally came up, she became even more angry that I was "using her words against her" even though it was exactly what she described.

Additionally, she told me to get to know her family, which was really just the basic hellos and I told them about myself and they all seemed very nice and receptive, some talked to me more than others. When the above "unhinged moment" came to be, I contacted her family and let's just say that was the ultimate betrayal. "I can't believe you brought my family into this" while having previously told me to contact her family, to get to know them, in case I ever needed to contact them.

Depression is a state of mind, a low point, that has its own set of issues. BPD is more than that, but has many of the same qualities and outcomes.

Thanks. It's crazy I also got really close to her family. That's why I wasn't sure if it was only depression or if some BPD is mixed in there since I was the first guy to ever meet her family and get so close. It's like she might of feared me abandoning her, so she sabotaged the relationship before I could, although I had no plans of that. 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2020, 03:25:27 PM »

Excerpt
It's like she might of feared me abandoning her, so she sabotaged the relationship before I could, although I had no plans of that.

Hey top10,  Right!  You nailed it.  A pwBPD will push you away because they fear you will abandon them, thereby bringing about the result they seek to avoid.  It's what I call one of the paradoxes of BPD.  It seems irrational, yet is predictable for a pwBPD if you get too close.  Oddly enough, that her family and friends liked you and got along well with you may have ultimately triggered her fear of abandonment, through no fault of yours.

Don't beat yourself up!  You did nothing wrong.

LuckyJim

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top10point5

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« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2020, 03:32:25 PM »

Hey top10,  Right!  You nailed it.  A pwBPD will push you away because they fear you will abandon them, thereby bringing about the result they seek to avoid.  It's what I call one of the paradoxes of BPD.  It seems irrational, yet is predictable for a pwBPD if you get too close.  Oddly enough, that her family and friends liked you and got along well with you may have ultimately triggered her fear of abandonment, through no fault of yours.

Don't beat yourself up!  You did nothing wrong.

LuckyJim



I know I sound like a crazy white knight, but please don't judge.

If want her back, what would be the best approach? Should I go no contact? I feel like that would make her feel like a I truly never cared, in her mind while being depressed/BPD. It also gives her space.

or should I be persistent without begging? It could scare her off, but at the same time shows my interest.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2020, 04:15:46 PM »

Hey top10,

No, I'm not judging you.  Only you know the right path for you.

As to the best approach for a recycle, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

Good luck and keep us posted.

LJ

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JNChell
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« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2020, 04:19:16 PM »

Listen to your instincts. Getting back will provide a lot of ruin in your life.
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« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2020, 01:50:01 AM »

If want her back, what would be the best approach?

if youre trying to reverse a breakup, post on the Bettering or Reversing a Breakup board. Detaching is a board for people who are well into the stages of grief and committed to breaking up.

ill respond in your thread there.
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« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2020, 11:29:06 AM »

if youre trying to reverse a breakup, post on the Bettering or Reversing a Breakup board. Detaching is a board for people who are well into the stages of grief and committed to breaking up.

ill respond in your thread there.

Thanks. I've replied back
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