Working through an "episode" - Coping? Moving on? Hope for the future?

[Dark Moon]

Hi all!

This is my first post and I'm grateful to have found this resource. I have applied for an online Family Connections course and am in the process of trying to join some NAMI family support groups. I have also started individual counseling for myself, to attempt to solidify my own emotional support network. As you probably know, it's really difficult to find people who truly understand what living with Borderline Personality Disorder on a day to day basis is like...not trying to be bitter about all the stereotypical advice to "leave him", "forget about it", "don't worry", "it's his choice", but I'm so over those options (duh, I could figure those ones out for myself!).

Anyway, so a little about what's going on...I've been married 5.5 years and we have a 4 year old son between us. My 5 children (9-17) from former marriage live with us as well. Yeah...obvious triggers right there with all that. :-D

My husband's mother had BPD and Schizophrenia and some other things (don't have her medical history memorized/right in front of me - it's in the cupboard), and was in and out of psych hospitals since the age of 14. She had a traumatic childhood of abuse as well. In the end, she did not get proper treatment and didn't have sufficient support, and then was helped to suspiciously commit suicide (by a "good friend", though it might have been intentional on the friend's part) when she was in her late 30's (my husband was 15 at the time). So, family history (both sides) and plenty of experience on seeing it first hand (from my husband's point of view).

Although he struggled his whole life (he also was the victim of childhood neglect - emotional, and abuse - physical/sexual/emotional), because he's also Fetal Alcohol Spectrum, he's sort of managed/been lucky to survive. He's always had a caretaker (lived either with his grandma or a legal wife) and never fended for himself (aside from the issues with BPD, the FASD is what makes daily life a challenge as far as managing responsibilities). And no, I didn't do a background check and didn't know him extensively when we got married...lesson learned.

On a good day (which is most), he's extremely kind, caring, loving, helpful, generally happy and functioning. I'll admit that I am probably his favorite person and so that elevates me to a high status, that I also admittedly enjoy (attention wise). No comment here on whether I might be co-dependent...that's a different discussion. ;-)

About 2 years ago though, he started having episodes. An episode culminates in him disappearing from the household, with no contact. This has happened every 3-4 months, like clockwork. It always starts with whatever triggers (there's a few significant ones), a downward spiral into depression/rage, and then the sneaking away (possibly based on an erroneous notion that I'm going to leave him).

At first, I didn't know what was going on, but by the 3rd time, I began to be able to recognize the cycle and understand what was going on. I haven't been able to stop them though, and he's currently been out of the house for going on 8 days now. In the past, he's always been back within 7 days...that cycle looks like he leaves, I give him some space, then either he contacts me or I contact him, he's frustrated/angry/depressed and unloads a pile of complaints (some valid, some BPD based delusions), I'm supportive, and he returns home (exhausted).

And then I try to work on mitigating triggers, getting him to counseling, learning all I can about how to support him and deal with BPD, etc., but naturally, there's regular life I have to attend to also and I am only one person. None of his family supports him. He has no genuine friends. So it's just me. He was finally signed up for a DBT skills class (wait list for DBT therapy), but when COVID hit, that all went by the wayside (he can't connect mentally unless it's in person...Special Ed). Of course, when he comes back, that has a predictable cycle too of exhaustion that eventually rises to jubilation and then sort of levels off at elevated apathy?

But everything is fine (let's just say manageable and moving forward) until this one set of "friends" steps in. I don't know if they cause the cycle or just exacerbate it, but there's something to it. I haven't had a chance to test the theory, but I bet if they were not involved, he might not go over the edge or if he did, it would look different (maybe he'd blow up at home and then we could deal with it). These people have been around since the beginning, always trying to destroy our relationship (long before I knew anything about BPD, they were always scheming and conniving to get me to throw him out; I never have, nor got involved with them after I found out what they were doing). These people live in his childhood town (which holds a special place in his heart, especially when he's feeling nostalgic about his mom), and consist of his childhood friend (from jr/sr high school), that guy's wife, the wife's mother and her mother's husband (3 out of 4 of those people take daily psych meds but I don't know specifically what for).

So, he starts to feel triggered for whatever reason and they get in his ear. FASD makes him extra vulnerable (which yes, when it works in my favor, I have little complaints about). So he starts to believe things - things that aren't true of course. But BPD whips him into a frenzy. And then he's gone before I even know what happened. I've tried to have the police intervene, which they will not, but otherwise, I do not travel to that other town (for my own safety). He's told me terrible stories about what goes on when he's there, so every time I cross my fingers that nothing lethal happens. At one point, I looked into getting legal guardianship for him (on his aunt's advice - she's the one who told me about the FASD), but that's a challenge when he's only 43 and "looks normal" on the outside (me rolling my eyes about how outsides and insides can be so different, but that's how the system works here).

Like I said, usually, it resolves in a week. But I just made contact today (email). And it was with them, not him (his email on his phone). I try to ignore the nasty NASTY things they say to me (in his name), but I'd be lying if I didn't say that's a trigger for me...even though I absolutely know it is not him saying those things (I know how he constructs a sentence and they add or leave out key details, making it obvious who's talking). Because this has happened so many times now, I've sort of separated out my life a little bit every time (to protect myself and my children of course). Everything in the household and our life is mine (had it before him or acquired on my own as I am the sole financial provider), so there are no losses to me in that regard. The only thing we share is the emotional relationship, which is very valuable to me.

So, I'm here because I'm nervous. Not for my legal marriage - I've been divorced before, I don't consider that any big deal. Unless I go down and file for divorce, nothing would likely happen there anyway. In my state, there's no contesting a divorce, so if he filed, it would just be granted regardless of the situation or circumstance (which is a shame because they used to have mediation and counseling if there were kids involved at least). I also know that after a period of time, the rage simmers down and he usually goes into a depression. I worry about his suffering, even when I can't do anything about it. In many ways, he is very childlike and does not have the fortitude to stand up for himself (against these terrorists). So that weighs heavily on my mind...When he's properly supported and has a structured life, he makes real progress and does amazing things.

OMG, I'm so sorry for the lengthy post. I'm one of those people who likes all the details so I know what's going on and can make an informed decision, so I tend to share in the same way. Anyway, I'm trying to touch base with people who've been through what I'm going to call BPD tantrums. I call it that because our son actually does something very similar...only I can support him through his bouts and they wrap up usually in the course of 5-10 minutes (from whatever minor trigger instigates "I hate you", "Everyone hates me", "You ruined my life", "That's it, I'm leaving" - at which point he stomps off to another room or might try to go out of the house, to "I'm sorry mommy", "Sorry for being angry and mean to you", "I love you" - followed by hugging, kissing, and snuggling, and then life goes on as if nothing at all ever happened).

So what do you do? I try to give him space (like I do our son). I try to remind him that some of his thoughts are not accurate (in a positive way). I try to offer my support. But what if I can't get through (because of the physical distance between us)? Do I just sit and wait, hoping and worrying? Is there a cut off point? A time to give up?

I just don't know...I definitely love him and want to be a family (even with all the struggles that come with various issues). I'm not going to follow him around and nag him (unhealthy behaviors). I'm worried that the longer he's gone, the easier it is for me to move on without him. I don't want to get like that and then have him show up desperate one day (because I do want to support him and he has no resources).

Maybe there is nothing I can do...like so many people tell me. He's an adult and can do as he pleases (and will). I guess I'm supposed to decide if I want to move on with my life or wait for him? That seems a bit severe...I just don't like sitting in limbo. I don't like having my own crazy thoughts (about worst case scenarios). I don't like feeling helpless, hopeless or worst of all...in pain. And then I feel guilty because I know he feels all those things and more, and I want to be compassionate, but when those people get involved, all I want to do is run far away from it all.

Maybe it all resolves this week. But this time is different. I desperately want to break this cycle! I've got to find out how to handle this, for both of us. And then maybe we will have a future...but even if we don't, I already know my son has similar tendencies. For him, I have to get a handle on what to do (or not to do as the case may be).

Thank you so much for your time and any suggestions, tips, or helpful advice you have to share! I sincerely appreciate any and all of it! :-)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Dark Moon, hi, and welcome  I'm really glad you found us.

This site is going to be a great support for you. I love that you're also checking out NAMI. Don't know anything about Family Connections but it really sounds like you're working hard to shore up your foundation and proactively seeking support. BPD can eat away at our confidence and tenacity. You're actively working against that and I'm impressed and cheering you on from my corner of the universe.

The friends dynamic is no fun, is it? It is not unusual for pwBPD to recruit friends and family into backing up their story and almost persecuting the scapegoat, which is you, when they paint you black. It is exhausting, isn't it?

I really do hope and believe that you can get more out of this than limbo. You're invested in an emotionally painful relationship but there are things you can do (and are doing) to alleviate that pain. People here need to hear from you and what you're going through. You're further along than some, and I know they'd appreciate someone coming along side and just saying, "Hey. I get it." You can share what you learn with your kids - they'll benefit from an emotionally healthy mom. Your son already is!

Am I right in understanding that your primary worry is his suffering?

Big hug to you. 

[Dark Moon]

Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement! I have already read so many great articles that make me feel "at home" (which sounds kind of scary...). Some days are better than others, but on the good days, I'm giving it my best effort. I never really had any mental health/illness experience before this and it has been an EYE OPENER! It has given me such a huge respect for what people are going through and especially to try not to judge anyone based on how they "seem" on the outside or make assumptions (negatively) based on their behavior. Not that any disability or struggle is welcome or fun or whatever, but the things you can't see, especially in your mind, what a serious challenge to overcome! I always think that people who are trying (let alone succeeding) are so incredibly brave, strong, etc. We live in a hard society and it's so easy to just give up...

Anyway, I'm kind of all over the place today. The whole love-hate thing. At the moment, I don't worry about my son - he definitely has numerous symptoms, but I feel that because I know what I'm looking for now, what kind of help is useful, that as he gets older, I can intervene so as to hopefully spare him undue hardship. My greatest hope is that as I become proficient in DBT skills (everyone should, not just those with mental health challenges), that he will be raised in that light and using those skills will be easier, if not second nature for him. I'm also trying to set a good example for all my kids, using good coping skills, asking for help when needed, not giving up, being compassionate, etc. Some days I'm better at that than others. I noticed recently that when it comes to my kids, I'm really good (mostly) at calmly managing a situation and coming up with all sorts of good advice and resources to try to resolve issues. But when it's me, my personal emotional life, my "soul", I sort of panic and forget everything in the moment (DBT skills right out the window!). I almost want to get a tattoo to remind me; it's that important!

Yes, I've noticed the friend recruitment thing. There are a few other people he could talk to, but these are the only ones who have it out for me and easily jump on any bandwagon offered to him. One of the other times, he admitted that he tends to only contact them to gossip maliciously when he's trying to alleviate stress. So I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but then I remember that they don't want to hear the truth anyway. So I leave them labeled as "toxic" and avoid them like the plague. It's funny though...when they respond to me in his name, all rude and nasty (which he is never that way to me, even in a rage), instead of get down on their level (which I can think of all kinds of choice things I could say), I respond with uber politeness and give them all sorts of handy suggestions for therapy and self-help. They hate that...it is a public service really, but it also makes me feel better (both to not revert to nasty behavior and to sort of poke a hole in their balloon of hate).

But back to what's my main concern now...well, I do worry about my husband's well-being. I know he is either in the throes of anger or depression or both. I'm almost 100% certain he's feeling lost, abandoned, unlovable. Unless this time is dramatically different than every other time. That's the thing I don't know. He definitely has a pattern of behavior (like a textbook, even my older kids can recognize it), but he is human. People can change. So that's the worst, not knowing if this is real or just his delusion...because usually I trust him. Other than this, he's never really given me a reason not to (and I am one of those behind the scenes detective types, always waiting for something suspicious to be up - thanks to ex-husband/narcissist).

I worry about him possibly spiraling into a more serious state of mental anguish. Or that someone there does something to him (either physically or emotionally, that becomes dangerous or lethal). But that's a lot of "what ifs" and that will drive you crazy! So I practice distracting myself from worrying too much about worst case scenarios. Given our current mode of communication (or lack thereof), I worry about how to make sure he knows that I'm here to support him, when he's ready. I guess I could rent a billboard in town hahahaha :-D In the past, I've checked in with other friends and his counselors, just so everyone knew that something was going on and he might need additional support. I guess that worked OK and I might try that later this week (he doesn't have a regular counselor at the moment though).

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a pretty big concern is the future of my family (i.e., marriage). It's one thing if you're going downhill for awhile and kind of ready to throw in the towel. But we're not like that. Everything is great and moving forward until suddenly we hit this bump. And it's like BOOM! One morning you're married to the love of your life and by the afternoon, the police are knocking on your door to tell you that he's been in a fatal car accident. Or at least I imagine it would be like that. It's really shocking and devastating...

Obviously, I still want to be married. I want to continue to try to work through these challenges. I feel like that's a good decision for the whole of the family, as long as he is in agreement. And he has agreed, after every episode. He does try. He has made progress. But I never quite have all or enough resources. Things slip through the cracks. Every time though, I get stronger and I seal up a few more holes. It's difficult because I don't even know how many or where the holes are...His BPD is generally predictable, until it isn't. Good thing I enjoy learning new things! I just loathe surprises...

So back to the marriage thing. I'm still in the game. But I don't want to be foolish and wait endlessly. At some point, if there's no improvement, my life does have to go on. I think I can be OK with that (I don't really want to think that far ahead) - it's really easy to imagine when I think of all the day to day things that I don't have to deal with when he's not around (which isn't all about BPD, the FASD and childhood habits are a bigger toll).

The thing I guess I'm waiting for is for him to say, in person, that he's done. If he said that, and seemed like he meant it (not just a flip remark), then I guess I'd let him go. I don't want to hold on to someone that wants to be elsewhere. And that's the irony...he demonstrates (and says in a way) that he wants to be elsewhere during these episodes. But I always feel like that's not really him, not his soul, talking/acting out. I blame the BPD (a convenient thing I can throw all my frustration at). However, without BPD, he wouldn't be the same person. It is also his BPD that makes me a princess (sometimes when he's uber demonstrative). It makes him outgoing and fun, doing things spontaneously. Anger isn't exactly a fun thing, but at least when he's demonstrating his anger (speaking), he's communicating his feelings - and that is a good thing. So, for him to be him, I have to embrace that good ol' BPD. But who to believe? It's kind of like living with two people.

I guess at the moment, I'm going with statistics. 98% of the time, he's a prince, so I want to believe that's the real or mostly real him. Those spare moments when he's totally wacked out - I can't believe that such relatively infrequent incidents can speak for his true thoughts. And if he's under the influence of the BPD monster (he calls himself a monster when he's like this), then who am I to just give up and move on? I feel like I owe him some time to get it together, I'm just not sure how much - just because of the friends' influence. If not for them, this episode would be done and over (it only takes about 10 minutes of talking for him to settle down and come back to the man I know and love). I can't control them though so that's a big wrench in my usually well organized plans...

Sighhhhh - time will tell I guess. We're on Day 1 of first communication so the usual pattern is I think 3 days before he's asking to meet in person to talk, or sometimes we skip right to picking him up. In any case, I've continued making appointments and scheduling household plans. I think one thing that helps is for him to see that our life goes on. He's more than welcome to jump back in. I'm not laying around crying (been there, done that, first few rounds), though I do tear up from time to time. I am OK. I am not angry or destroyed. I don't believe he did any of this to me on purpose. If nothing else, keeping a positive outlook is helping me cope. Ha! I was just thinking that it's too bad that instead of his brain lying to him about negative things, wouldn't it be nice if it was lying to him about positive stuff? If I could just find that switch...

[pursuingJoy]

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a switch?

Have you come across this in your reading? I think it might interest you, esp with the friends dynamic. Think about the role you find yourself in, and the role he/they are casting you in.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

It sounds like you're committed to learning DBT tools and supporting your son. What other goals do you have for yourself? For your other kids? For your marriage?

[Dark Moon]

I just went to my first "in person" family support group last night and it was great! I looked into last year, but never got around to going. I finally signed up during the last episode, but got distracted by trying to get him going/back to his own therapy. Sighhh...Anyway, it was really helpful to meet other parents and spouses struggling with a variety of mental illnesses, and I did meet a few people struggling with BPD (spouse and parent). They even have another support group just for spouses of people with BPD, so I'm looking forward to that. I was referred to a Reddit they've created with alot of new information I'd not seen before.

Speaking of, I did not know about certain friends dynamics or triangles, so I'm finding that very interesting reading today! Another interesting aspect is that as I read, I discover new patterns that have existed from the beginning, I just didn't recognize as symptomatic  behaviors. So my shock and surprise about what started happening 2 years ago, isn't really shocking anymore - it's sort of an obvious escalation.

Which brings me to a certain thought process: He has to be ready and willing to seek treatment. He has to be responsible for his own behaviors. I have to have healthy boundaries (Oh! I'm looking into CODA groups now too).

Goals? Well, for myself, I'm looking to minimize damage. I'm hoping to gain clarity on what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. While I still feel like I love and support him, I can not go back to the way it was. One thing that came up in the support group was the difference between parents and spouses. At some point, it's easier to dissolve a marriage than it is to abandon a child. But in either case, that is sometimes what must be done. You can't let yourself be sucked down into an unhealthy situation for your own lifetime. I'm working on starting a new business and I'd like to move out of state. I have my own health issues (cancer and a new digestive problem) that I need to focus on.

I guess that leads to my goal for my marriage. I'm ready to work on our connection and communication outside of the BPD and whatever else. I had already found tools for that and we had just started after the last episode, but then that too fell by the wayside. I'm starting to see many things that were a function of manipulation, and that sort of makes me feel angry, sad, used, disinterested in giving him another chance.

For my kids, it's school time again and I'll be homeschooling 4 of them. The 2 oldest are in high school and 1 is hopefully going to graduate this year. They have their own issues (one is pretty high maintenance ADD) so when things happen with my husband, we've always just put everything on the back burner as we go through the cycle of spiral, episode, recovery, readjust. They are all ready to let him go, for the most part. It's not the end of the world, but that makes me sad. I won't lie, 6 kids on your own is not alot of fun and I don't look forward to the exhaustion...I am looking into growing my support network, but COVID still makes everything more challenging.

I guess another goal, for all of us, is to work on inner peace. When these episodes happen, it is a chance to see what a roller coaster we've been living on. Even if I sometimes think I can withstand the ride and volunteer to get back in line, the reality is that it really does make me sick by the time the ride is over. Is it worth it? There are other rides, some worse than this, maybe it's just fear of the unknown holding me back. These are some themes I'm hoping to explore in my own counseling sessions.

In this day of calm, I imagine a life without my husband, and it could be OK. But then I start to worry about our son. Projecting his possible BPD into the future, escalated, is a very frightening and horrifying thought. That's a roller coaster I don't think I could walk away from. And with an independent child, I might not have any more choice about it than I do with my husband. They are both runners...In the case of my son, that makes me feel guilty. I don't want to get bogged down into what ifs and regrets about past decisions. I'm trying to stay light and focus on the future (my 4 year old is sitting next to me on his tablet and every so often randomly says "I love you too Mom", even though I'm not having a conversation with him). It's hard to look past my husband sometimes when his mini model is still here with me.

To wrap this up, I think my final goal is to find some good in all of it and hold on to that. I don't want to become bitter and resigned. I don't want to endure the pain of a breakup, but I guess I have a counselor to help me through that if it gets to it. One thing that I'm gaining from things like this is the notion of staying strong, moving forward, and allowing for hope but not hanging my whole life on a fantasy. Come what may.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm so glad you're taking all of these proactive steps for yourself. Wow. The support will really make a difference.

I'm starting to see many things that were a function of manipulation, and that sort of makes me feel angry, sad, used, disinterested in giving him another chanc

When you wake up and see it all, it is overwhelming. I remember feeling a wide range of emotions at the same time. This will go on for a while, and then it will level out to a more manageable place.

I know your kids appreciate the stability they find in you. 

[Dark Moon]

Haha! My kids (the teens) like to say I'm extremely unstable. I laughingly remind them they have no idea how unstable I could really be...It is a huge effort, and I don't always get it right (yelling or sniping is my fav go-to past defense mechanism - terrible for dealing with a BPD situation).

I may as well submit an update. Let's see...we're on Day 10. I've been holding my own (always lots to do to distract myself). I've been trying to reflect on my own emotional situation and decision making process, which sheds some interesting light on past experiences. I happened to discover that my husband has successfully got his phone turned back on (it was cut off on Day 5 because he didn't pay the bill and I couldn't without his phone).

Anyway, my mom was asking me 20 questions as usual and to her, it seemed simple and logical that I would just talk to him...she does not understand BPD at all. So while trying to demonstrate that his phone was shut off, I found it was on again. And we had a mini conversation. I'm pretty sure it was him, but I always have to be guarded when I can't see or hear him. But this morning, it was him. And we're in the midst of discussing his current feelings of hatred, vengence, worthlessness, powerlessness, basically his whole childhood history of abuse and now he has to make everyone suffer and pay, and he wants to be alone in his misery.

This is his typical cycle so nothing new. And his feelings are valid. He usually starts in a rage, then simmers to quiet loathing, then down to depression and if I can talk him through it, he usually becomes a little more thoughtful, calmed down, ready to accept help. So maybe that's where we've moved in the cycle...that process usually takes 1-3 days. Meanwhile, I keep working on my own boundaries - trying not to slip into caretaker mode.

Or revenge mode as I've also found out about some meddling activities on the part of the cronies. My husband mentioned doing some terrible things (in an attempt to ruin other peoples' lives - their marriage), but I haven't heard anything from the real world about that so I'm hoping he's just making that part up, a fantasy if you will. That's the part that really scares me, the things that could happen when he's all wound up, things that have real and significant consequences - not just for him, but for innocent people. Life goes on, but that kind of stuff tends to stick with you and haunt you and he surely doesn't need any more ghosts in his head!

I wish I had a good book about DBT. Anyone know any? I asked a counselor for recommendations and she had none :-/ My husband had an awesome workbook for his DBT skills class, but I don't know where it went now. I read online, but I prefer an actual book. I really need to work on my own skills...

I'm very much looking forward to support group next week! There's a guy who's been managing his BPD wife and son for decades. He seems really calm and sane! I'm curious how he does it...I don't know if my husband will come back or if we'll have a relationship in the future, but on the chance that we might, I want to be better prepared. I was reading about emotional dysregulation and how the well partner can better control a situation by being the person in control of themselves. That was a wake up call! It's amazing to think how hard it is for me to control my emotions and behavior in a stressful or tense moment and then somehow expect that my husband can manage (he's not had much treatment to date). I'm not sure how I'm going to remember everything in a heated moment...practice they say.

For everyone new to this, know that it is hard work. Worth it, but still, it takes a huge effort! I'm not always in the mood to make that level of effort. I'm starting to think of it like a job though, to separate myself enough emotionally to just get the job done. It must be done or catastrophe ensues. Or like setting a broken bone. You just have to do it, even if it's painful. Sighhh. It's funny how I'm trying to come up with games I can play with myself to get through things. But I guess anything to get through it is better than giving up. I try to imagine I'm modeling good coping skills for my kids and husband. FASD - he's a learn by mimicking kind of person.

The greatest development this go round is that I finally think that I am considering my health and well being first and foremost. I still want to help him, but I'm letting him mull over if he wants help. He knows where to find me. I've left the door open and I feel good with that.

Thanks as always for the support! When you're on the dark side of the moon, it's nice to know that you're not alone. :-)