So things blew up, as they have a habit of doing. I'm just not good enough at using the right words.
I pointed out that in Space Force, they are 50, and she's in jail. (I could also have said IT'S MADE UP ANYWAY or that my therapist has yet to see an open marriage work out, but that's neither here or there).
He, again, defended wanting to use a woman as an object once a year, that it's a need he has, and that I'm being selfish and controlling, and once again denying his needs, and that I'm always right.
He brought up the %#(*&#(*$# dishwasher again about how I'm controlling about that! (see above) I said, that wasn't being controlling, it was an awful dishwasher. What did he care if dishes had to be rewashed? He didn't do them.
I mentioned that he has tried all of that before. He has spent most of his life depressed. I told him it didn't work. When will enough be enough?
More words were exchanged. He tried to tell me that he's been in therapy for six years (or something), that I've barely been in it, that his last therapist said he was not BPD and neither did this one (something to that effect). This wasn't something I knew about with his last therapist.
Tells me I'm not getting any better. I told him if that is the way he felt, then that's serious, I'd sign a release, and he's welcome to speak with my therapist. He called her whatever names and jumped to something else.
Basically, how dare I tell him he can't sleep around when he wants.
It felt over. I was in the dining room, cleaning up the unused birthday decorations (youngest is 11 today) and sob escaped. Guess he was headed up the stairs and told me to stop being dramatic, that our oldest is heading to bed.
Last night I kept thinking about ultimatums. I kept wondering if I could really hang in there long enough to feel more comfortable financially about leaving. But mentally, I don't think I can. If there wasn't Covid, I could at least be GONE on the weekends...but then again, the whole sex thing, and the possibility of him sleeping around behind my back gives me BIG pause. If you remember from a previous thread, he thought donating blood was an effective STD test. :| I used to tell the kids he was a hero for doing that. He was sitting right there and didn't say a word.
He's been passive aggressive or is it just a cycle? for the last couple weeks now. He's set his alarm to a very loud level...and ignores it. That has long been an issue. After nights up with a sick kid or growing pains with a kid or whatever over the years, I couldn't get back to sleep...and he didn't care. Until this past year. Then he stopped doing that.
He got ready and left the room. No shower, I noticed. That's not a good sign. He used to give me a hug and kiss before leaving. I had read something ages ago about how that guarantees job success. It's just one of those couple-y things we do, ya know? He did that this morning. Just a hug, just held me. Made me cry because I've felt so...just lonely. He said, "well, it wasn't supposed to make you cry." He said something grabbing a ****. He did and I made a noise of protest, he said (jokingly) that he had warned me. He then told me, "I still love you." and left.
I thought maybe I could get through this until his therapy can kick in and he can eventually get meds and maybe see the light. So many maybes. I realize that.
But then...
Wait. I still love you? As though I am the one who did something wrong by asking him to respect our marriage?
Anyway. Last night I know he was awake while I was quietly crying. I don't know what he is thinking right now.
I keep thinking about taking the kids to a rental on a beach somewhere. My car is big enough to pack food, etc. so we wouldn't need contact with anyone but gas pumps. They are elearning anyway.
I'm considering telling him he needs to get help, to leave and let him think about it for a week while we would be gone, and then to come back and see what he says.
I just don't know if I can go back to doing EVERYTHING all over again, with the added stress of kids here all day elearning, not being able to really go anywhere due to Covid, not knowing anyone here, and trying to remember everything BPD so I don't keep screwing up. And I keep screwing up.
He sent a text already this morning (I chose to ignore it for 45 minutes). He wrote:
I love you. I do.
This isn't what love is supposed to be. At least, it doesn't feel like this is the way it should be. But if I leave, what would that mean for him? His future?
I just don't know if an ultimatum is the right step either.
He has listened to me in the past. He really has. Sometimes I feel like if I can just catch him at the right time...but I no longer know when the "right time" to talk about a mental illness is!
I just miss talking and laughing in the dark before bed so much.
I don't feel like I have much in the way of options.
