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Author Topic: Maybe the Most Important Lesson on Dealing with Disordered Family Members  (Read 892 times)
zachira
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« on: September 05, 2020, 08:15:51 AM »

I recently had a long talk with a woman who years ago went permanently no contact with her sister with BPD. She kept her close relationship with her mother who was terribly distressed about her daughter with BPD, though made it clear to her mother that she was not her mother's peer and there had to be boundaries around the discussions about her sister, as she wanted her mother to be her mother. I have long admired this woman for doing this and wanted to know how she did it. The mother eventually went no contact with her daughter with BPD, but unfortunately only after she was left totally broke from enabling her daughter with BPD.
My question was how did she do it. She said she went to therapy and all she did was cry her eyes out in therapy every session. Eventually she was over her sister, and now the no contact just does not bother her at all years later. She told me to cry about my challenges with my disordered family members until I did not need to cry any more.
I have recently read that stuffing feelings or getting angry just don't work. The getting angry just becomes a cycle of getting angry again and again. I have heard that crying is what allows us to heal. I have been allowing myself to cry as much as needed, and I am optimistic that some day I will have just have moved on from all the sadness about all the cruel things my family has done to me. The crying does seem to be bring on more and more relief, as I am having less downward spirals of anger and depression.
I thought I would share this, as I know so many members including myself just so badly want to heal and move on.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2020, 10:32:15 AM »

I had a friend who referred to it as "falling in to it." So I made it a mantra.

Fall in to it.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2020, 11:10:14 AM »

I had trouble accessing the grief about my childhood with a uBPD brother. Sometimes it can be hard to cry over things that have been so deeply numbed or pushed down or aside.

I eventually did somatic experiencing therapy and was able to get there. There was physical violence with my sibling so perhaps I had to process the grief by letting my body respond, idk.

The Body Keeps the Score is a wonderful book by Bessel van der Kolk that describes the power of processing grief in order to resolve it and move on.

I'm glad you are working through your pain and are feeling relief, zachira.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Breathe.
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« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2020, 12:07:02 PM »

Zachira, crying does bring release. I remember when I was in therapy and I would spend the sessions crying for what felt like years of my therapy. It felt like a dark time and I remember worrying I was exhausting for my therapist but she held the space around me very well. My therapist would say that it all felt very young and I wasn't sure what she meant but I think it was about accessing the abandonment feelings.

I feel at the moment I need to cry but I can't get to that place. I hope it will come soon.

I'm glad you are finding relief in crying, I know the deep breathing that take place when we sob is supposed to be really helpful.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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curious quandary

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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2020, 08:02:50 PM »

Zachira, my heart goes out to you. Your friend sounds very wise. Being open to just sitting with your hurt and sadness is courageous. I have to believe that it will help you to heal.

I stumbled on this recently. It is a letter from a therapist to her clients regarding tears.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-in-between/201803/open-letter-my-clients%3famp

I have stuffed my feelings down for so long that it will take time to get in touch with them again. Thank you for sharing and for the motivation to make this a priority.
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Living Life

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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2020, 01:32:00 PM »

Excerpt
...all she did was cry her eyes out in therapy every session. Eventually she was over her sister, and now the no contact just does not bother her at all years later.

I am 75; 3 years ago I walked away from my brother and have had no contact with him since then. For a year, I would wake up feeling an immense sadness; my wise and compassionate husband would talk with me for hours each day. After I few months, I knew I needed a visual crutch to help pull me out of the sadness. I used Wonder Woman, who uses her magic bracelets to strike back at evil. I then found the phrase from the Helen Reddy song "I Am Woman": 'you can bend but you can't break me' to be my mantra during the hard times. I talked at length to husband and wise friends, cried a lot, and eventually worked through it. Seeing a professional therapist would have made for a much faster process.

But I am over it now, have a wonderful life, and absolutely made the right decision to walk away. Others do not have the right to demean or degrade you.
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LunaJoy

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« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2020, 08:01:20 AM »

Thank you for sharing Zachira, it's very moving and also really, really helpful.  I’m glad you are finding relief.

In my 20s I had therapy for 4 years, and I could never believe how much I could cry.  The grief seemed to come from a deep pool with no name, and no end.  At school I would fight hard not to cry because when I did it just went on and on.  I cried a lot two years ago when I thought I no longer had my partner's love.  I've never had a sense that crying was helpful, just sometimes inevitable, but I’m going to rethink that now.  Maybe crying is something good we can do for ourselves.  Much love to you.
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zachira
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« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2020, 10:41:09 AM »

LunaJoy,
A lot of people are afraid to cry because of the fear they may never stop crying. You have done a lot of crying and are rethinking how you feel about the benefits of crying. I know some people need therapy to be able to cry at all, as they have been taught from childhood to never show their sadness. Those of us who have had the experience of having our feelings ignored since childhood and in adult relationships, often have to learn how to cry deeply to the point that the crying brings welcome relief from our suffering. With time and effort to fully feel our feelings and body sensations, the crying gets deeper and we experience relief in much shorter periods of time with less crying. Much love to you as well. Thank you for your compassion and understanding.
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zachira
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« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2020, 11:49:32 AM »

GaGrl,
Like your mantra of "Fall into it".
Livednlearned,
Glad you found helpful somatic experiencing which is on my list of thigs to try. I have also read "The Body Knows the Score", and really see the value of doing body-mind work to heal from trauma.
I am sorry there was physical violence with your brother. I was once attacked by my sister in the middle of the night while sleeping in the same room as my sister's teenage daughter. My sister claimed I had said something during the day that justified her coming to punch me in the middle of the night. It is how my sister physically attacked me, that I realize should have been a wake up call when it happened years ago to go low contact with my sister. As you know from your own experience with your brother, it takes time to heal from trauma inflicted on us by our closest family members, the people who are supposed to love and protect us.
Thank you for sharing and listening.

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zachira
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« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2020, 12:11:08 PM »

Goldcrest,
Thank you for sharing about crying in therapy. Right now, you seem to be struggling with crying on your own. You might explore putting your body in positions that force you to breathe deeply like leaning backwards over a stool, and spend some quiet time in meditative body movement. I find doing these things can help me to access my underlying sadness and cry.

Curious Quandary,
Thank you for the link to the article, which reminds us that being able to cry is courageous, and how our culture often presents crying as a weakness.

Living Life,
You are a courageous reminder that it is never too late to go no contact with a close family member when you have a brother who is demeaning and degrading. I am glad you have your husband to support and love you.


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Notwendy
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« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2020, 02:27:03 PM »

Yes cry it out and also one big lesson that helped me was to realize it wasn't about me and to not take it personally.

Of course I did- it's hurtful to have family members do and say these hurtful things but in time I hope we can all see - it isn't about us -it's the projection of their own inner turmoil.

This isn't easy. Now that the main people my mother relates to are her home health assistants, I see her interacting with them in the same way she interacts with her immediate family. It's the same drama. Thankfully for them, it's a job and it might be a tough job, but they don't have the same emotional connection with her.

It's also hard because I can see that it was not about me, and also that her relationship with me isn't with me, it's about her projected feelings, and it's sad to think that. But I think a part of healing is to create our own self esteem. We are lovable and worthy of being treated kindly and fairly.  A family member with a disorder does not determine this, we do. Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2020, 05:33:12 PM »

Remember, there are FIVE stages of grief. 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining,  Depression and Acceptance.

We spiral through all of them ... never leaving them all completely ... no absolutely clean recovery (heavy sigh) ... but depression one comes before acceptance, so the cry-grieving has come after the three earlier stages and shows much progress in the recovery process!

Best,
Bethanny
 With affection (click to insert in post)
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