Wife Suddenly Left

[ButterPlease]

 My wife(30)and I(31)had been together for 12 years, married for 9, and together since high school. A few years ago, she was diagnosed with depression. She has been to multiple therapists. She would always drop them after the first few sessions. Some lasted a few months. Some lasted five sessions. She felt none of them cared about her issues.  She told me one of them had talked to her about the topic being BPD. I'm not sure if she was ever officially diagnosed, just the therapist talked about it.

I would encourager her to take her medicine and try a new therapist. I even encouraged her to go on retreats to find herself and anything I could do to help. She would be the most outgoing person in public to strangers but be very shut down to me at home. Everyone in our family loved her. She was always happy to help everyone, but it was a whole different story of feeling empty inside and sadness when we got home. She wasn't the angry type of BPD, but often bottled it all up. If I tried to talk to her about something she did that upset me, 10/10 times, the conversation would end with me apologizing for bringing it up. We didn't argue a lot, but she wouldn't tell me how she feels often. I do believe our communication needs work.

She has switched college degrees/ careers about once every six months to a year, the past ten years. She would be all into getting her marketing degree and then quit it cold turkey and never finish. I'd always try to be supportive of her and say, find what makes you happy. In March, she got a new job that she got to go to for three weeks before COVID shut it down.  COVID was hard on her with the lockdown. She liked to travel a lot, and I tried my best to keep many trips up and adventures, but COVID halted that. She struggled with alcohol and taking her medicine a lot during COVID. It came to a point where she was drinking so much every night, she got sick almost everynight. Then I'd try to get her to bed, and she would accuse me of trying to hurt her or I was going to be mean to her.  I've never raised a fist at her or yelled at her our relationship. I've raised my voice and been around her about other issues over the years, but I loved and respected my wife. Her drinking came to a head in April, and I told her she needs to figure it out because I'm not a fan of what's happening and scared of her getting an addiction. To her credit, she dropped cold turkey and started taking her medicine, things got better.  She didn't start drinking again until work resumed, but it never got as heavy.

 She went back to work in June and had been working extra hours. I was supportive of it when it started and was cheering her on earning extra money and working on a promotion, although she hadn't been there six months yet even. As the hours grew, I started to nudge a bit to come home on time so that we could spend time together. Her extra work hours were legit as I saw her checks every week in our joint account. I noticed she had been a bit distant, but I just figured she was tired from work. She requires a lot of sleep regularly, she could sleep 10-12 hours a day if she could. I have been working from home, and I always tried to keep on top of things when she came home. I did my best to keep the house clean, dinner on the table with a drink when she got home, take care of the dogs, and more. I'd even try to make sure the doors were unlocked so she wouldn't even have to fumble for keys. Admittedly the laundry would get a bit behind mid-week when I got busier, but I always tried to keep up. We were supposed to go out of town this weekend on a little getaway too.

I came home from walking the dog. He is a puppy that my wife wanted right before COVID started, so we usually do hour walks at a pretty routine time. I came home to find her phone, car keys, wedding rings, and a note saying she was done and it's over. She was tired of making sacrifices for our relationship, and she was tired of trying to make it 'work'  She said I could email her for contact but don't try to find her. She withdrew a large sum from our joint account equal to her earnings this year. She said a check would cash soon for her apartment.  She told me if I tried to find her, she would file a restraining order against me, which is so hurtful. I've never done anything but love and take care of her the past decade+. I can not stress how much this came out of nowhere. She hadn't communicated to me that she wasn't happy or that we weren't okay at all In over a year, which is another crazy story. There wasn't an extreme lack of sex or anything. Sure it slowed down, and her depression issues didn't help, but we were intimate two days before this happened. I've contacted all our close friends and family. No one knows anything. One friend I suspect has some knowledge hasn't replied. But other than that, nothing. Her parents got an email from her shortly after I called them.  A mutual friend of ours confirmed, she is still showing up to work right now. So I know she is physically safe.

I am at a loss, her note doesn't mention divorce in exact words, but it says she is done with this relationship. It doesn't mention that she doesn't love me or she loves me. I feel that she is going through a possible early mid-life crisis or the feeling of never doing anything on her own. We were planning to buy a house next year.


I do not know what happens next. I am willing to try to work things out, but the way she left has hurt me deeply. I feel like a switch had been turned off in her head about me.  I could tell she had been distant for a few weeks, but  dismissed it her focus on work. Our wedding anniversary was two months ago, and nothing was a miss. It was a fantastic trip. In hindsight, I've been able to sense she has been planning this for two-three weeks.

I've emailed her a few times, telling her to take her time, and I'm ready to talk when she is. I also told her she could take the car and other things just for safety. I'm not mad about it and would never do anything vengeful.  In her mind, she seems to think I would stalk her or hunt her down or something out of this world. Its been a week now since this all happened. I've dug myself into reading relationship books, books for loved ones with BPD, so much stuff from the BPD books lined up with familiar things in our relationship. I've met with a therapist, and my first session went well.

I'm sure I'm missing a lot of details and happy to answer any questions. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm dealing with here, and I want to fix our marriage and build a better relationship with all my heart.

 As of today, I'm hopeful we can reconcile.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.