Why am I still here?

[HappyWithout123]

Nine years ago I reunited with someone I had dated as a teen. He was so charming, a real gentlemen, who professed a lifetime of love for me. Within a year we were living together, with 3 of our kids and things seemed great at first. About one year later, small issues became huge outbursts that literally shocked the hell out of me. I had never experienced anything like it, I was shaking, dry mouth, scared...and unwilling to accept what a mistake I had made. I have now lbeen pulled through this rollercoaster for far too long. Just as some things get better, others get worse. Last night, I was called horrible names because I made oatmeal cookies with my daughter, that he felt he can’t eat, now that he is diabetic (not sure if this is really true). However, these outbursts are horrible overreactions that are difficult to make sense of, and seem so small in retrospect. Living through this for close to a decade now, I can tell you it is affecting my physical health. There are so many reasons why I should leave, and have considered it many times, but whenever I do, things get better again, and I try to endure, because it is too difficult to leave. I feel so isolated and dependent on him, stuck in this dysfunctional relationship that I am scared to leave. Disappointed in myself for getting into this mess. And just wanting to be truly happy again, like I was before I met him. I have read the books recommended on this site and try my best not to escalate issues. However I am living with Jekyl and Hyde and never know which it’ll be from day to day. Today I just needed to reach out, because I’m feeling so alone. He is my best friend some days, and my enemies on others. It is just such a nightmare.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Boll Weevil]

Wow.  I am very sorry that you are in that situation. Please hang in there. Help will be coming very soon from the experts here on this site.

I am in a similar situation with my wife, and  I believe that I have developed PTSD from years of the ups and downs.

May God give you comfort and direct your steps.

[RestlessWanderer]

Hi HappyWithout123,
I’m sorry that I don’t have any answers for you. I ask myself the same question too. I can relate to the example you gave too. I got berated once for doing the dishes. I didn’t stop, and even kept cleaning the kitchen. That pushed my wife over the top and she ended up kicking me out of the house that night. I often question my sanity as to why I’m still here  I hope that I can at least help you feel like you’re not crazy, you’re not alone, and none of this is your fault. I know how hard making that decision is.
Hang in there. You’ll make sense of it all soon.

RW

[Kaufmann]

Hi HappyWithout123,

I'm sorry you feel alone. I can tell you that reading about your experience felt so much like my own experience. The Jekyl-Hyde. And also the love you feel for your partner at times. And also how difficult it is to leave. Like you, my partner can be awful to me, and so then I try to leave, and she changes and becomes the person I fell in love with. It's awful. It's hell.

Why do you feel dependent on him? Are you emotionally dependent or financially dependent?

[HappyWithout123]

Dependent is an interesting word...as I know that I cannot really depend on him for anything.  I have long resolved my feelings towards that, as plans with him are never a for sure thing.  I am ready for this to end, at any given moment, and feel relieved when it does, temporarily.  I know that I would manage on my own without him, and be happier, in general.  However, he always changes his mind, and decides he does not want me to go.  And he has manipulated our finances in a way that is very difficult for me to leave.  While we each contribute 50/50 to our household, I do not think 50% would be enough to get a nice new place, so that makes me hesitant.  And we are both facing job insecurity due to pandemic, so I really do not feel ready to make a move right now.  I am also very sensitive to what can go wrong during a break-up, as my ex (that I was with for 25 years) was very difficult to leave, as well.  I never expected this to happen to me again, and am scared of going down that path again. So, while I do not want to be co-dependent, I realize that I am.  And I am having a hard time visualizing life without him, as we have become so isolated from family and friends, during the renovations of our house (which have been ongoing for 3 years) and now the pandemic.  I feel more alone than I even have, and not wanting to admit all of this to the people who know me.  I have thought about chatting here for a long time, and finally reached the point, where I need to talk & listen to others who are going through a similar kind of madness.