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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

My story is like so many other people's on this site...

I'm in love with someone we'll call Aimee. When things are good, they are great -- I feel so safe around her, so loved. But then I'll try to pursue a relationship with her, and she'll push me away. She'll get mean. She'll go out with another man. When she thinks I love her, she pushes me away. When she thinks she's losing me, she'll cling to me and plead with me to stay with her.

I told her that I'm moving, renting out my house, which is two blocks away from her. At first she was nasty about this, but then tonight, she was so clingy, wanting to hug me again and again, telling me how much she loves me.

Here's my problem. In my head, I know that this won't last. I know that once I cancel my plans and tell her I'm not moving, she will again reject me, take me for granted, be mean, etc. But my heart longs for her. When she acts lovingly, my heart is persuaded every time.

What do I say to myself, what do I do to stay strong?

[Kaufmann]

Hi everyone,

My story is like so many other people's on this site...

I'm in love with someone we'll call Aimee. When things are good, they are great -- I feel so safe around her, so loved. But then I'll try to pursue a relationship with her, and she'll push me away. She'll get mean. She'll go out with another man. When she thinks I love her, she pushes me away. When she thinks she's losing me, she'll cling to me and plead with me to stay with her.

I told her that I'm moving, renting out my house, which is two blocks away from her. At first she was nasty about this, but then tonight, she was so clingy, wanting to hug me again and again, telling me how much she loves me.

Here's my problem. In my head, I know that this won't last. I know that once I cancel my plans and tell her I'm not moving, she will again reject me, take me for granted, be mean, etc. But my heart longs for her. When she acts lovingly, my heart is persuaded every time.

What do I say to myself, what do I do to stay strong?

[Cat Familiar]

So you’re willing to put up with infidelity and abuse in order to have some amount of niceness from her, which doesn’t last?

What do you suppose is the origin of your willingness to settle for so little?

Do you love her for who she is, or who you think she could be?

[formflier]

Push pull...come here go away is an unfortunate thing we see often. 

I have many of the same questions that Cat Familiar asked.

Do you think you want our help to find a more stable relationship and detach from this one or do you think you want to learn how to "deal with" these types of behaviors and see if your current "relationship" will be more stable/fulfilling.

Best,

FF

[Kaufmann]

Cat Familiar:

“Do you love her for who she is, or who you think she could be?”

There are many things I don't like about her. She’s very selfish. She’s not a great mother. She lies to me. She’s controlling. She’s incredibly angry. She cheats on me. And yet I do genuinely enjoy spending time with her. Things are usually good. We’ll have days where things are good. I like her personality. I like her vulnerability. I like her femininity. I like her sense of humor. I like her passion.

“What do you suppose is the origin of your willingness to settle for so little?”

Years ago we were happy, so happy. So loved me intensely. She adored me. I've never been loved that way before. And being loved that way feels so amazing. And I miss that. I want that back. And I keep thinking that if we can just work out our problems, I can get it back. And at the same time, I realize that that probably won’t ever happen. But that little sliver of hope keeps me hanging on. Ugh.

[Kaufmann]

Formflier:

"Do you think you want our help to find a more stable relationship and detach from this one..."

Yes, I want to break free. Or my mind wants to break free, while my emotions want to stay with her. I know in my head that this relationship is not healthy for me. I know in my head that in the end I almost certainly won't be happy with her. And yet when I hear her voice, I crumble. It's like she has this power over me. I'm getting close to leaving this relationship, but I still feel so weak. I need help fully getting there.

[Kaufmann]

I keep trying different mental strategies to get rid of the pain of not being with her. Sometimes I think of all the awful things she's done to me, but this causes the pain to increase. Today I've been telling myself that she's two different people and that one of those people despises me and doesn't mind hurting me. I'm trying to rid myself of any hope. Hope is what's dangerous. Just a sliver of hope, and I find myself plotting ways to get her back.

[formflier]

I wish I had better answers for you.  I too used to try to "get rid of the pain" and was frustrated with results.

Now I "acknowledge" and "sit with it" while at the same time add several extra doses of "self-care".

A good walk, extra exercises, deep breathing...a nice meal, good massage.

So...firmly embrace the hurt and firmly embrace that you are worth pampering. 

It took a while for me...

Best,

FF

[Kaufmann]

Formflier:

Thanks so much for sharing. Today we kinda officially broke up. She now knows I'm definitely moving, and she requested that I give her space. I don't know how long that will last.

Anyway, I'm going to practice some good self-care this evening. Thank you.

[formflier]

  Today we kinda officially broke up.

Why not make it official?  Does she need to be involved in the breakup decision at all?

Best,

FF

[Diddle]

Kaufmann - I think all of us on here, can completely understand how you feel.
Her actions and treatment of you are exactly why you feel the way you do, that push pull in the relationship is so common.
When I first started looking at the problems in my marriage and how my husbands BPD has effected everything we've done in the past, it made me see that I didn't want my future to follow that same path.
I was literally at the point where I thought I could stand in front of my husband and tell him I was leaving. Then he came into the room and was in a good mood and was being nice to me, and I couldn't do it. I see where you are coming from

Being on the receiving end of their actions feels like they have all the control, much like your latest comment:

Today we kinda officially broke up. She now knows I'm definitely moving, and she requested that I give her space. I don't know how long that will last.

You have a choice about how long this lasts. The control doesn't lie with your partner, its ok if its in your hands. You deserve to be treated with respect, and not cheated on ever, once is enough.

I like to imagine my best friend or my sister is me, and they are telling me about the marriage/relationship and what advice I would give to them, and what I would want for their future. It helps me take the emotion out of it and for me to see clearly.

I am taking that clarity and slowly taking steps to have more control of my own life, only with that control and confidence in yourself, will you see that you deserve and can have a happy future with whoever you want in it.

So you definitely need to enjoy some self care and find some positives in the time away. 

[Kaufmann]

Formflier:

No, she doesn't need to be involved in the breakup decision. Here's the problem...

I've hurt her in the past. For three years, she wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I could never commit. I inadvertently hurt her. I hurt her badly -- by telling her I loved her and then backing out, several times.

I've caused pain in her life. I've apologized and tried to show her that I will never do that again. Although she's now afraid to be in a full-on relationship with me, I know that I mean a great deal with her. She has repeatedly said that the thought of me not being in her life "terrifies" her.

So we have this mutual addiction. Ideally, I want to be her friend, I want to be there for her. But of course, when I act like a mere friend, she pulls me to her, tells me she loves me. And her pull is too strong. I feel unable to resist. When she pulls me to her, I find myself falling deeply in love again, and then she pushes me away. And I'm emotionally obliterated.

All of my friends tell me that I need to end contact with her. And I realize that that would be in my own best interest. But if I leave, I'll feel like I'll again be hurting someone I've already hurt in the past. Does that make sense?

[Kaufmann]

Diddle:

Thank you so much for your feedback. I agree with what you're saying, but let me ask you a question.

I believe that if I leave her, I will hurt her. She's dependent on me. She treats me unkindly, but I don't want to hurt her. I want to be here as her friend, because she needs a friend, and I know that I'm good to her. But being her friend is so tough, because we never remain friends -- she tells me she loves me, asks me to kiss her, etc. But then once we're "more than friends," she'll push me away and hurt me again.

Leaving is good for me. Leaving will hurt her. How do I handle my feelings of guilt?

[formflier]

How does it matter that you hurt her...or she hurt you...or it's mutual?

Am I hearing this correctly that if neither of you had hurt each other, you would be able to break up more easily?

Best,

FF

[Diddle]

Kaufmann

Thank you so much for your feedback. I agree with what you're saying, but let me ask you a question.

I believe that if I leave her, I will hurt her. She's dependent on me. She treats me unkindly, but I don't want to hurt her. I want to be here as her friend, because she needs a friend, and I know that I'm good to her. But being her friend is so tough, because we never remain friends -- she tells me she loves me, asks me to kiss her, etc. But then once we're "more than friends," she'll push me away and hurt me again.

Leaving is good for me. Leaving will hurt her. How do I handle my feelings of guilt?

I am no expert, but speak from experience. The push and pull of your relationship is how most bpd relationships are, she is manipulating you to make you stay. Encouraging you to become more than friends, then pushing you away. This isn't a healthy relationship. Of course you want her to be ok, because you're a good person. Thats a wonderful quality to have. You deserve to be treated kindly.

I think you need to make a clean break, if you have no ties (sadly we have children involved) then the kindest thing for both of you may be to have no further contact. If you remain friends, she will always have this hold over you, and you will clearly see when she isn't ok and feel responsible for making her feel better, and the cycle continues.

The feelings of guilt will only subside when you have the space and distance to stand back and look at what you just escaped. You aren't responsible for her happiness, you're responsible for yours. I don't think guilt is an easy thing to overcome, but the more you realise that many of the situations in your relationship were controlled by her BPD and not your actions, the guilt will subside. I still battle with that. I felt very responsible, until spending hours on this website, learning as much as I could about BPD.

How's your weeks going? how have things developed now? did you stay true to your word?