Would you recognize their anniversary?

[todayistheday]

uBPD Mom and nBPD Dad are having their 60th wedding anniversary very soon.  Mom has NEVER wanted a party for 25th, 50th, ...  so we never gave them one.

They pretty much hate each other but have remained under the same roof.  My Dad tried to leave Mom once -- about 40 years ago.  He stayed with her after she threatened to OD if he did.  There is a lot of backstory there that is irrelevant to my question.

They basically hate each other and it's getting worse. They live under the same roof.  They have even moved twice.   They each stay in their own part of the house for the most part.  He has made a man-cave in the bonus room. She has the rest of the large house, but mainly stays in either the master bedroom, family room or kitchen.   He only comes out to shower, use restroom, brush teeth, or eat.  (and to leave the house pre-Covid; now he's not allowed to, but I agree with her on that.).  He has to eat.  She screams at him about any sound he makes (eating)  and how his food smells. She complains about him making noise coming downstairs.  She refuses to let him talk when she is around.  (yes, he needs to grow a pair, but at 85 y.o., too late for that.)

Covid takes away any conflict over whether or not to have a party. 

Dad is a good man.  My husband asked me when the trouble started.  It actually started before they even got married.  I'm sure he thought that thing that happened were a fluke and things would get better.  They raised two daughters.  When he was going to leave was when my younger sister left for college.  So initially, he stuck it out  for us.   As bad as I feel for him, part of me is glad he stayed.  Back then, the woman always got the children and life was 100x more miserable for me (the scapegoat) when he was away than when he was home.

Isn't it odd that the sweetest man I know in the world (Dad)  is married to the meanest woman I know in the world (Mom).   No, he's not perfect.  He can make me nuts, just like my husband or my sister or anyone else can make me nuts, at times -- difference is we all handle it in a healthy manner and we are all ok with each other.

Question:  Do we even send a card or say "happy 60th anniversary".  Because there is no way it is going to be happy for either of them.  Maybe they would both just rather not think about it.  With a BPD, there is always a darned if you do, darned if you don't, which is the least maddening to them.   Husband suggested I ask my sister.  She is as at a loss as I am.  What do any/all of you think?

[Turkish]

If you have before, I would continue that. If you haven't, I wouldn't. 

[Notwendy]

I'm with Turkish. If this is what you usually do, then do it and if it isn't then don't. I think it's important for us, as we aim for being non reactive to the ups and downs of the drama - to be consistent and base our own actions on us, not them.

If you feel like it's not being authentic, then don't send one. Try to be true to yourself, but if you routinely have sent one then this anniversary isn't really different from the others in terms of their relationship.

Where is the Hallmark section for dysfunctional families? One of the challenges for me is finding cards. If you do want to send one, hopefully there's one that is close to what you might want to say.

[todayistheday]

It was last week. My sister, who has a great sense of humor had the best idea when I spoke to her.  She said "we can't have a party".  I'll buy a cake and bring it to them.   I said that I wasn't sure whether to even note it as unhappy as they are now.  She said "they don't like each other but they both like cake."

We both got an email from my Dad thanking us.  When I talked to uBPD Mom today, she was telling me stuff about my sister, I told Mom that my sister had told me those things when we were talking about the cake.  Even with me mentioning the cake in passing talking to her, she said not one word about it to me.

Not that I care that much. I was feeling darned if you do, darned if you don't about it since it was a significant year.

[GeekyGirl]

Where is the Hallmark section for dysfunctional families? One of the challenges for me is finding cards. If you do want to send one, hopefully there's one that is close to what you might want to say.

I've asked the same question for years! The overly-sweet Hallmark cards just seem a little over the top, even to send to someone who isn't affected at all by BPD.

todayistheday, it was a lovely gesture and very thoughtful of you. I'm sure that your dad really appreciated it.