No idea if I've been left or not. Don't know how to handle the next stage.

[Suspicious1]

Been with my diagnosed BPD partner (this time round) for 10 months. He left abruptly in June this year but came back after two days. He left again four days ago and I've not heard a thing since.

The trigger had been the fact that I've been extremely busy and stressed over the previous week. I've been recently bereaved, I've got some major stresses in my life and was feeling very tense. He came back after a day out and abruptly told me that he felt like he was walking on eggshells so was leaving. He kept saying 'we're not splitting up, we're not splitting here, everything is exactly as it was, I just think that we need some space'.

All that is fine, in theory, but he didn't give any sort of indication as to how long he was going for or what was happening next. When he said 'we're not splitting up', I suspect he may have meant it at that moment in time but has probably changed his mind.

All his stuff is still in my house, he can't possibly not be coming to pick it up at some point. That means pretty soon he'll contact me. I'm angry that, yet again, he walks out if things are anything less than perfect. There's no discussion about this, no search for a resolution, just a kind of 'you haven't been entirely ok, or you have expressed that you have needs too, and that means you're not fit to be around'. In doing this he has dropped me right in it with a few things he'd said he'd help me with, and just maintained radio silence. If he'd really just gone to give us both space (which would have been fine) why hasn't he at least done the odd check-in?

I'm suspecting I'm being given the silent treatment. In any case, I'm actually appreciating the silence because I can get on with stuff and I've realised, in his absence, that *I* was walking on eggshells. As I said, if I was less that totally jolly I knew he'd walk out, so I wasn't able to be myself or express myself, which at the moment (and in my own home) is really tough.

So would it be reasonable to tell him, if he gets back in touch and wants to come back, that I think he made the right decision, and I've really appreciated the time apart so want some more of it? If he decides he wants to split there's nothing I can do about that, but I don't want him back here on the same terms.

[Cat Familiar]

My condolences on your loss. 

And it does appear that he’s not thinking about supporting you emotionally when you could have benefited from his assistance.

You sound clear on wanting to distance yourself when he resurfaces, and that’s a reasonable request, considering his behavior. It’s your house and you are rightly concerned about having to defer to his need for you to not have needs.

You’ve been together for less than a year and he’s shown you how he handles life with a partner. Do you really need to know any more than that?

[Suspicious1]

Thanks Cat Familiar. You’re absolutely right. The trouble has been that I reconciled with him after a five year absence (before that we were together 2 years). I reconciled because I’d had so many unanswered questions and I so totally wanted closure. I actually feel like I’ve got that now. I did a lot of learning and growing in the last five years, but he is still acting in the same ways as he did back then. He’s done a lot of DBT but the underlying behaviours are still there.

[formflier]

I'm curious...what do you think the next 5 years would be like?  Project yourself into the future and imagine what he is like and what you are like?

I'd like to read about who you see.

Best,

FF

[Suspicious1]

That's a good question. In the five years we were apart, he got his diagnosis and had a lot of therapy. He was given coping strategies and has largely put them into practice and is much better. Retreating when he feels overwhelmed seems to be one of them, and in a way I can't fault him for putting it into practice, even if the way he's done it is clumsy and awful.

I suppose if I were to go forward, I'd want a scheduled time apart every three months (because he seems to operate on three-monthly cycles) where I know in advance he's just going to retreat for a week or two. That's ok with me, I'm very self-sufficient. What I'm not prepared to live with is multiple last-minute changes or disappearances. That's not going to work for me.

[once removed]

So would it be reasonable to tell him, if he gets back in touch and wants to come back, that I think he made the right decision, and I've really appreciated the time apart so want some more of it? If he decides he wants to split there's nothing I can do about that, but I don't want him back here on the same terms.

sure, if thats what you want. id ask though, is it what you want, or is it a handwringing response?

There's no discussion about this, no search for a resolution

theres a great deal of distance. the two of you likely feel similarly, in your ambiguousness, and in feeling shut out.

why not discuss this? why not search for a resolution?

[formflier]

  I did a lot of learning and growing in the last five years, but he is still acting in the same ways as he did back then. He’s done a lot of DBT but the underlying behaviours are still there.

That's a good question. In the five years we were apart, he got his diagnosis and had a lot of therapy. He was given coping strategies and has largely put them into practice and is much better. Retreating when he feels overwhelmed seems to be one of them, and in a way I can't fault him for putting it into practice, even if the way he's done it is clumsy and awful.

Hey...I'm trying to understand better what an "underlying behavior" is to you. 

Also would you rate his improvement over the last 5 years as "some improvement" , "lots of improvement", or "amazing improvement"?

The point of my previous question was to get you thinking about "the results" of the next 5 years, vice "how to do" the next 5 years.


Does it seem reasonable that you and he both would show a similar amount of growing and maturing?

Best,

FF

[Suspicious1]

Had a bit of a tense couple of weeks there what with one thing or another, so just coming back to update this.

I've given the 'five year question' a lot of thought. What I didn't say was that in the five years we were no-contact, I got married but my husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly (two years ago). That's left me with a definite attitude of not wanting to plan too much ahead, but to live in the moment. So it's actually VERY difficult for me to look at what life might be like in five years time. I have no idea if I'll be here, if he'll be here, or whatever. I need to keep living in the moment (at least for now).

I think though, that the question is still useful because it's prompted me to ask myself if this is the moment I want to live in. If I'm currently all about seizing the day, is what I've got around me right now worth having?

As an update, following my last post he did indeed come to collect his things. He sent me a text saying he wanted to come and pick up a few bits. I gave him a time he could come as I didn't want to be here. He, I think, saw this as an additional rejection and cleared out the entire house of everything he owned, then called me to make sure I knew it and said he was 'never coming back ever ever ever'. He asked me to meet to talk but I declined as I couldn't see what needed to be said, and I wasn't interested in sitting and listening to him give me a list of how awful I was.

A week later he got in touch again, just a simple conversation about nothing. We met up as by that time I felt ready to talk it over. He said that he'd left as he was terrified he was going to lose the relationship if he didn't. A lot of what he said was contradictory and I remain convinced that he left because he wanted to punish me, then was angry with me when he came to collect his things so punished me again by leaving *even more* then calling me to make sure I knew he'd really really REALLY left. I think I was supposed to respond by begging him to come back and make whatever changes he required. I've no intention of doing that, and spending my life in my own home walking on eggshells just to stop him walking out.

Now he is framing leaving as having been his only option to have saved the relationship. He hasn't hinted at coming back (yet) so I've just validated like mad, saying he was totally right to have gone and that space is a very good thing. He's said he can only have a relationship with me if we live apart (to be clear, we have our own homes but he basically had moved into mine while retaining his). Last night he was talking about our weekends together in a way that sounds like he's decided we'll live at each other's houses at the weekends. I've not been consulted about this at all and I'm not keen. I suspect that when he's settled he'll want to just stay another night, then another, then his stuff will start creeping back, then he'll get engulfed and leave again.

I've drawn my boundaries now, which is what I need to protect myself; he's not coming back here to live, weekends aren't the 'given' that he thinks they are, and he can't be too involved in my life. He really dropped me in it this time round, letting me down with some things he'd committed to doing and turning my life temporarily upside down. I told him how much this disappointed me, but he can't see that honouring a commitment in a relationship is an important thing. I'm listening to that message and taking on board the fact that I can only rely on myself. He may see it all as a rejection of course, but I'll just keep validating and reminding him that his idea of being apart was a really good one.

[myinnertorch]

Hi Suspicious

I think you are great for following Eckhart Tolle's "living in the now" philosophy. You are right, you can only live for today and hope for tomorrow. No guarantees right? From what it sounds like, your relationship with this man has no guarantees and you are left in a constant state of flux, not knowing whether he or you are coming or going.

In my opinion, if you are willing to play this emotional stock market with him, go for it. Even under treatment with DBT I do not believe you can fully exorcise the demon that is BPD. It is so interwoven in their psyche and way of being, acting and behaving, you can dull some of the symptoms through therapy, but inherently you are who you are. They love to play emotional ping pong with your feelings, one minute you are up, the next you are down, they go NC, you are left wondering where you stand...is this a normal relationship? Heck no...or at least I would like to think it is not.

I respect the history and tenure you have with this man, the emotional investment you have made, but if you are truly okay with being distanced, make it permanent. Scheduling "time off" is just not normal, nor is it fair in a relationship. You should be able to go with the flow, live in the moment and not plan time away from someone to release pressure. BPD's will view time away as as abandonment no matter what they say. I think that you have a perfect opportunity to move on and let him go for good. Just my opinion. Good luck!