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[samsirock]

Hi, I was raised by what I am now certain is a BPD single mom. I'm 25 now I just started therapy a few months ago, because before then I thought that I was "fine". I've been reading a lot of books (Walking on Eggshells, Surviving a Borderline Parent) and slowly realizing the amount of impact it had on me. I also now realize that I keep getting myself into similar abusive relationships to the one I had with my mother. I just want to be "normal", and unaffected by all of this. I'm also terrified that I'm like her and just don't know it. She doesn't know how she is or who she is, some sort of stress-induced dissociative amnesia. It makes my childhood a confusing mess of what really happened. I was numb about it for a decade, and all these feelings are coming back up about it. I didn't know other people went through this sort of thing. I don't really know what to expect from this.

[JNChell]

Hey there, samsirock. Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m sorry for what has caused you to find us, but you’ll be glad that you did. You’re going to get a lot of support here by folks that have been through very similar situations. You’re not alone.

You’re going to be okay. Thinking about and asking if you’re like your mother shows self awareness and concern. pwBPD (people with BPD) are not really able to self reflect. As you settle in here, you’ll notice that a lot of us have been worried about the same thing.

We were groomed to end up in dysfunctional relationships. We know what we know because of our parents. The good news is that you are now aware of everything, and as hard as it is, you’re taking steps to figure it out and make your life better.

Take your time. Tell us what you want to tell us. What is currently on your mind?

[samsirock]

I think I'm most worried that I struggle to trust people without expecting them to just hurt me with anything I tell them. Or that any compliment does nothing whereas any criticism feels like I'm being stabbed. I want to feel like other people love me, but its like positive words or affection mean nothing to me due to the constant splitting I experienced. I don't believe that it will last.

My mom seems to be getting better and says she's going to therapy but she's completely delusional about what her symptoms are, and who knows if she's even really going. She's even read Walking on Eggshells for dealing with her Mother-in-law, not recognizing that she exhibits all of those behaviors. She thinks she has a "communication issue".

My dad on the other hand consistently states that he's just a normal guy. My perception of my childhood is so distorted that I don't know what to believe anymore. He obviously was trying to help, and was at times helpful, but also just kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again, refusing to acknowledge that he might have to adapt to how either my mom works, or how I work. For a decade he just kept trying to convince my mom to see that she was delusional. And when I moved in with him he decided that emotional distance and teaching me "responsibility" was the appropriate parenting style for someone severely traumatized. It made me feel broken but I couldn't communicate my feelings out of fear they would be used against me.

[JNChell]

Trust is a very hard thing to recover. You will, and it will be very different. Think about it, you’ve come to realize that you can’t trust your parents. Those aspects begin with our parents as infants. I’m curious, do you have a close friend that you’ve confided in? Maybe a small group that doesn’t really know what’s up, but that would be there for you if you decided to open up about your situation?

I can relate to compliments feeling very weird and put downs feeling normal. I’m struggling through it, but I’m learning to ask for help and support. It turns out that there are people that care about me. It just feels so foreign. I feel like I’m putting people out. Being grounded at this point in time tells me that there are people that love and care about me. Who do you trust the most? Talk to them.

Your perception is your truth. Don’t let anyone distort that. You know what happened. This sounds like “gaslighting”. Your dad sounds like an enabler for your mom. He was most likely abused and forced into the role.

These things can be multigenerational. Passed down over and over again. The thing is, you’re self aware. You can end it with yourself.

You are worthy of happiness and an understanding that other people can’t take that from you.

[samsirock]

I've started confiding in my closest friends, my partner, and my therapist, although I have worries that my feelings will spread to them like a disease, and that they'll absorb them. That was kind of my model as a child, that I was absorbing my mother's feelings.

I realized a few months ago that people in my life care about me. That was really exciting. I thought I was just a burden until then, only kept around for being helpful.

There is definitely a multigenerational thing happening that goes back at least 3 generations of my family. My mom's side seems to be full of BPD like symptoms or other personality disorders. All the kids move out of their parent's house at the same age, and yet no one in the family communicates with each other about what's happening. I think every child in my generation experienced some sort of severe abuse, as well as the generation above, and the generation above. I don't have any records beyond that.

I initially reached out to my mom's family for support, thinking my mom was only gaslighting me about their coldness and hostility, but most won't reply to me (its been weeks), my only uncle was "irritated" according to my aunt, and grandma tried to convince me to let the past die because my mom is "perfect" and to immediately cease all treatment. My aunt was actually kind of supportive of treatment, but refuses to admit that there might be any serious issue with my mom or herself (despite exhibiting at least some severe dysfunction and having her own extremely distant and (according to my mom) abused children).

I realized awhile ago that while I thought I was making my own path, continuously furious at my "evil" mom and determined to make things right with my future children, I now realize that she thought the same thing when she was my age. I think I am actually turning away from the path now, although the idea of having kids, which was once an ideal fantasy only a few months ago, now terrifies me.

[JNChell]

You said it best. Absorbing our parents feelings. It’s really messed up! Right?

I’m so sorry that you felt that way as a child. You’re not there anymore. I know that the abuse and head  can cause a lot of damage.

People do care about you. Turn to them. Have a movie night, cookout, whatever, and crash on their couch. Don’t be afraid to initiate an idea. On top of that, don’t be afraid to say that it’s because you need support.

Are you ok with talking about the multigenerational aspect?

[samsirock]

Sure, what would be helpful to know?