Lack of Object Constancy

[Depression = 72% of members]

In my own recovery from a r/s with a BPD partner, I think it's important to me to understand a bit more about the dynamic in which I participated.

In a lot of materials it is said that people with BPD lack object constancy. I read articles about it, but I honestly don't get it. I understand the concept, but what does that entail? How does it look like? How does it feel? Are there any people here among us who suffered from BPD or something similar and could explain how exactly that feels? Is it literally "out-of-sight out-of-mind"? Like they don't feel emotional connection to someone so they cannot relate to a person who is not in their life, but just a projection of that person? It's really hard to grasp this idea.

I am wondering because a lot of info on splitting seems to sugest that the discard/cheating/splitting etc is not a conscious thing, and in effect it's not in relation to the partner, but an effect of the lack of object constancy. Does it really mean that they would cheat because their partner is "not there" in their mind? Do they forget the partner? Or is it more emotional, that the partner made no emotional imprint on somone, so he's more of ghost than a real person? Because it couldn't mean that they literally didn't remember him. It's not like they forget where they live or what their name is?

Is there anything in a non disordered person life or experience, or for that matter, a codependent's like myself, that comes close to feeling it? Or is it more like some developmental thing like color-blindness that you cannot really explain, a type of experience.

I am asking for descriptive discussion, because I read the articles, but I am really struggling to really take it on board. I'll sum it up in one question: if someone cast an evil spell on me that made me lose object constancy for a week, what would that be like, what would that entail? How would I treat my partner? What emotions would it activate? Would I treat my pets different? Would it affect my work? Etc.

[dindin]

In my own recovery from a r/s with a BPD partner, I think it's important to me to understand a bit more about the dynamic in which I participated.

In a lot of materials it is said that people with BPD lack object constancy. I read articles about it, but I honestly don't get it. I understand the concept, but what does that entail? How does it look like? How does it feel? Are there any people here among us who suffered from BPD or something similar and could explain how exactly that feels? Is it literally "out-of-sight out-of-mind"? Like they don't feel emotional connection to someone so they cannot relate to a person who is not in their life, but just a projection of that person? It's really hard to grasp this idea.

I am wondering because a lot of info on splitting seems to sugest that the discard/cheating/splitting etc is not a conscious thing, and in effect it's not in relation to the partner, but an effect of the lack of object constancy. Does it really mean that they would cheat because their partner is "not there" in their mind? Do they forget the partner? Or is it more emotional, that the partner made no emotional imprint on somone, so he's more of ghost than a real person? Because it couldn't mean that they literally didn't remember him. It's not like they forget where they live or what their name is?

Is there anything in a non disordered person life or experience, or for that matter, a codependent's like myself, that comes close to feeling it? Or is it more like some developmental thing like color-blindness that you cannot really explain, a type of experience.

I am asking for descriptive discussion, because I read the articles, but I am really struggling to really take it on board. I'll sum it up in one question: if someone cast an evil spell on me that made me lose object constancy for a week, what would that be like, what would that entail? How would I treat my partner? What emotions would it activate? Would I treat my pets different? Would it affect my work? Etc.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey dindin-

I agree, it IS helpful to understand the dynamics in which you engaged.  I’m now almost 7 months out, and everyday it seems something else snaps my neck.  Please don’t give up on yourself.

All really good questions about the lack of object constancy... except most people on these boards WON’T be able to describe what that feeling, or “absence of feeling” is like.

After I learned about this concept and how it affected pwBPD (3.5 years into my 6.5-year relationship), I started sending my now exBPD/NPDbf little texts, photos, songs and messages to subtly remind him of *us* when we had to be apart.  It worked beautifully.  He began to miss the messages if I was “late” on any given evening (maybe he didn’t miss me necessarily... but the messages!).

And no, you would NOT necessarily forget your pet.  At least not right away.  But there does seem to be an uncanny ability to walk away from pretty much anyone, anything and EVERYTHING.  And then maybe come back.  Again and again and again.  If you serve some function.  Fill some “hole”.  I believe I was very very “functional” to mine.  Until I refused that role.

That’s why if you know that returning to the relationship is NOT in your best interest, you’ve GOT to harden your resolve to politely decline.  No explanation needed.

There’s a pretty recent article I found that may help you?  Maybe you’ve already read it... 
Psychcentral.com.  “Object Constancy:  Understanding the Fear of Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder”

Give that a look and let’s discuss later.  Seems lack of Object Constancy is the emotional version (but not as much fun) of lack of Object Permanence, which is THE reason babies LOVE playing peek-a-boo.  Get the picture? 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[dindin]

Give that a look and let’s discuss later.  Seems lack of Object Constancy is the emotional version (but not as much fun) of lack of Object Permanence, which is THE reason babies LOVE playing peek-a-boo.  Get the picture?  

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thanks a lot for the article and interesting insight.

From the article it seems object constancy is closely tied to fear of abandonment. But which is firt? Is the lack of object constnancy the result of the fear, a defence against it? Or is object constnancy before fear, a developmental milestone not-reached, that results in the idea that world is not trustworthy?
I guess it's egg and chicken question.

But also I would like to know your thoughts on the emotional component of it. The article also claims that object constancy is linked to black and white thinking. So in a way isn't it a failed moral compass, that is unable to hold paradoxes?

So if my object constancy was taken from me, to the extreme, and I went to work where some unpleasant happened. It could result in me just quiting the job on the spot? But I mean haven't we all done that, or really thought about it when stressed? So is it a spectrum of "tolerating" the good-bad aspects of the object? And everyone is somewhere in between, with personality disorder individuals just struggling to get it to at least a reasonable point?

But if so... how is all of this different from narcissistic objectification? Is the only difference in that narcissist does it for supply, and someone without object constancy is driven by fear?

[once removed]

if you are talking about the concept of "out of sight, out of mind", you are talking about object permanence.

The article also claims that object constancy is linked to black and white thinking

object constancy is more about the ability to see a person a consistent whole, rather than black and white, good or bad terms.

object permanence is about the ability to soothe yourself in their absence.

is it literally "out-of-sight out-of-mind"?

I am wondering because a lot of info on splitting seems to sugest that the discard/cheating/splitting etc is not a conscious thing, and in effect it's not in relation to the partner, but an effect of the lack of object constancy. Does it really mean that they would cheat because their partner is "not there" in their mind? Do they forget the partner? Or is it more emotional, that the partner made no emotional imprint on somone, so he's more of ghost than a real person?

i would not read it literally. think about it. did your ex ever give you a phone call or a text when the two of you were not physically together? then you were obviously out of sight, but not out of mind.

cheating is about many things, unique to the person that does it. it may be impulsive nature. it may be a quest for external validation. it may be a relationship that has broken down, and a coping solution. it is not because your partner forgets that you exist, in the moment.

Is there anything in a non disordered person life or experience, or for that matter, a codependent's like myself, that comes close to feeling it?

no human being has a perfect sense of object permanence.

if you have ever lost and grieved someone, then you know that part of the experience means that you start to forget things about them. you cant remember their laugh. at a certain point, you may not exactly remember their face, or perhaps its blurry. they fade. memories fade. the moments between the two of you, that at one time were of great association and comfort to you in their absence, fade.

thats the closest thing. people with bpd traits just struggle with it more, and more often, especially in times of stress or loneliness.

[dindin]

thats the closest thing. people with bpd traits just struggle with it more, and more often, especially in times of stress or loneliness.

Thanks for this breakdown!

So object permanence is all about self soothing in the percieved lack? If so I can relate to this as a codependent. It took me a lot of work to even recognise it as a problem. It resulted in a lot of anxiety and jealousy on my part.

And object constancy is about evaluating someone? The inabillity to trust them to hold both good and bad qualities, without the dichotomy breaking that object apart?

So would it be correct to say that a lack of object constancy is a failed reality testing when it comes to evaluating outside world, and object permanence a prerequisite for it to develop, as self soothing skill against the fake paradox of good/bad?

[once removed]

If so I can relate to this as a codependent. It took me a lot of work to even recognise it as a problem. It resulted in a lot of anxiety and jealousy on my part.

So would it be correct to say that a lack of object constancy is a failed reality testing

are you possibly talking about separation anxiety?

this is the best breakdown as i have seen it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.msg579565#msg579565

[dindin]

are you possibly talking about separation anxiety?

this is the best breakdown as i have seen it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.msg579565#msg579565

Yes, is separation anxiety different from the discussed topics?

Having just a quick read of what Skip posted in that link, I found myself "sadly calm". Others have repeatedly hinted that the r/s with BPD and its tribulations haven't had a lot to do with the non-partner as an individual. Just from that quick glance of the mental states of the BPD, even if I didn't fully understand it, it's evident that BPD is a fundamental inability to form relationships, there's mechanisms missing that would allow that and there's defensive mechanisms that simply disallow it. It's really pointless to even think about it in terms of true relating, of love, empathy, etc. And I spent so much time analysing the dynamic in that way.

It's really really hard to grasp the severity of the illness and the extent to which my codependence fueled this illusion.

Thanks for the link