How do you avoid making the same mistakes with your own kids?

[Cheryl55]

I am realizing that my mom probably has bipolar disorder based on therapy I am now in.  I still feel like my moms love is fake/conditional; she played favoritism with my sister); she used money to manipulate; she threatened things like not coming to my wedding; etc.  I now have two young kids of my own, including a daughter, and I’m terrified of repeating those same behaviors or even just having an up and down relationship with my kids.  Even when my kids are fighting over toys, I’m worried about how to get my older child to realize my younger doesn’t understand sharing yet will cause favoritism.  I tell and show my kids I love them all the time, and I try to be a non judgmental person for them to talk to.  But I also have a temper, especially being a working mom during covid.  How do others be great parents when you don’t have the best role model to emulate from? 

[Sylfine]

Oh boy this hit home.  Welcome to the group, Cheryl55!  I'm pretty new myself so I don't have much advice.  Just wanted to let you know that this seems to be a common thought among us children of BPD parents.  My LO is 2 so I'm still learning how to be a parent at all .  I think just knowing that how you grew up wasn't normal is half the battle.  You can take steps to try not to repeat the same mistakes your parents made.  We will definitely make our own - we are not perfect.  Try to remember other people in your life, especially when you were growing up, who were the type of parents you wish you had.  Repeat those behaviors.  Being frustrated is a normal part of being a parent; taking it out on the kids is not.  That's where your knowledge comes into play.  You can catch yourself when you realize. 

Meds help keep me in check.  Also, even though it may seem selfish, taking time for yourself is a good thing.  Do your own interests.  You can show your kids that self care is a positive thing.  Best of luck!

[GaGrl]

My mother had an uBPD/NPD stepmother from the age of six (her mother as died several years earlier). As my mother grew up, her healthy family members allowed her to see that her life with her stepmother was not normal.  My mother made some very deliberate decisions about what she would do (and not do) when she had her own family.

I have often said my mother created herself as a parent, because she had no model for good mothering in her house. She did have a loving, caring father (co-dependent), aunts, uncles, and grandmothers.

I think this deliberate approach is good -- awareness, reflection, decisions on best path, forgiveness when it slips.

[LunaJoy]

Hi Cheryl55, I hadn’t heard of BPD when I had my kids (however I had had therapy), but I was determined not to be like my mother.  I was relieved when the first was a boy because I am an eldest girl and I was particularly anxious that I would be more likely to be like my mother raising a first girl. I thought you put the sharing dilemma really well, and I’m sure you will figure out a solution, you are so aware.  Anyway, I wanted to share the thought that it is inevitable that you will have ups and downs with your children, because you are human, but even if you and the child are steaming angry at each other, and the child has been rude, mean and awful, and you are upset and shocked, you will be able to give the child some space to calm down, get over your own hurt feelings, then go and build bridges and restore your relationship.  You will not be expecting your child to support you emotionally.  Also, other parents still have to figure all this stuff out even if they have a good and supportive relationship with their own parents. Enjoy them, the days are long when they are little but the years seem to fly by.

[Methuen]

How do you avoid making the same mistakes with your own kids?

I think you are already doing it Cheryl55, because you are "aware".  Without awareness, we could easily fall into the trap.  With awareness, we can constantly reflect on a situation that handled, which we wished we perhaps had handled differently.  We can ask ourself when we "have cooled down" from our temper, how could I handle that differently next time?  As long as we keep trying, we can get there.   Do you think your mom ever "reflected"?  Mine couldn't.  Just the awareness we have is a HUGE first step.

After that, I would acknowledge that there's no such thing as a perfect parent.

Lastly, these are stressful times.  As busy as you are, try to find time to look after yourself, whatever this looks like for you.  Mindfulness?  Yoga?  Social interaction?  Bubble bath?  Boxing maybe?  Whatever, is your "thing", do it to release more endorphins for you.  Self-care pays huge dividends, when it comes to managing our personal stress, so that we can manage our own emotions in stressful situations.  Self-care is not selfish.  I had to learn this.  My mother always taught me that it was selfish to do things I enjoyed for myself.  This is SOO wrong.  Self-care is responsible, because it helps us have more patience, more tolerance, and more self-control during stressful events.  That's my point of view at any rate.

[Turkish]

My mother defaulted to smacking or spanking, and i was an only child.

There's nothing wrong with boundaries and being firm. 

Given your upbringing, do you have trouble finding a

[Cheryl55]

I think you are already doing it Cheryl55, because you are "aware".  Without awareness, we could easily fall into the trap.  With awareness, we can constantly reflect on a situation that handled, which we wished we perhaps had handled differently.  We can ask ourself when we "have cooled down" from our temper, how could I handle that differently next time?  As long as we keep trying, we can get there.   Do you think your mom ever "reflected"?  Mine couldn't.  Just the awareness we have is a HUGE first step.

After that, I would acknowledge that there's no such thing as a perfect parent.

Lastly, these are stressful times.  As busy as you are, try to find time to look after yourself, whatever this looks like for you.  Mindfulness?  Yoga?  Social interaction?  Bubble bath?  Boxing maybe?  Whatever, is your "thing", do it to release more endorphins for you.  Self-care pays huge dividends, when it comes to managing our personal stress, so that we can manage our own emotions in stressful situations.  Self-care is not selfish.  I had to learn this.  My mother always taught me that it was selfish to do things I enjoyed for myself.  This is SOO wrong.  Self-care is responsible, because it helps us have more patience, more tolerance, and more self-control during stressful events.  That's my point of view at any rate.

This so true!  My mom never reflected and rarely, if ever apologized.  I make a point to apologize to my kids  whenever I’m wrong.  So maybe just self reflection and being aware of my actions, and being willing to change and not judge my kids, will be key in their having a different upbringing.

[Methuen]

This so true!  My mom never reflected and rarely, if ever apologized.  I make a point to apologize to my kids  whenever I’m wrong.  So maybe just self reflection and being aware of my actions, and being willing to change and not judge my kids, will be key in their having a different upbringing.

[Turkish]

I used to visit friends who lived near my mother. I'd stay with them but invite her over for BBQ (I was the BBQ master, I liked cooking for everybody). One night, apropos of nothing, my mom told me that the only time she "may" have abused me was when ahe smacked and berated me so much that I had a brief seizure. Thankfully, we were on a dirt road. If I had dropped and hit my head on a rock, I may have been injured.

She took me in to get evaluated. Of course, they didn't find anything. I guess that was kind of an apology, for something she did over 25 years previously?

People with BPD feel deep inner shame about themselves, as if they are unworthy of being loved. Admission of fault can contribute to an inner shame spiral.

A relatively healthy person will admit fault and apologize and not internalize that an action makes them a bad person.

[GeekyGirl]

I think you are already doing it Cheryl55, because you are "aware".  Without awareness, we could easily fall into the trap.  With awareness, we can constantly reflect on a situation that handled, which we wished we perhaps had handled differently.  

Absolutely. 100%. Just being aware of the behaviors and how the behaviors that our parents exhibited affected us is HUGE. It's probably the best tool that we have to avoid continuing the cycle of pain.

Cheryl55, by asking the question, you've taken the first step to take better care of yourself and ensure that being a nurturing parent.

[todayistheday]

In my case, I avoided it altogether.  I did not know about Borderline Personality Disorder until I was too old to have kids.  I never had kids because I was afraid that I would turn into my Mother. When I finally had a therapist hypothesize that Mom had Borderline and give me the Eggshells book, everything clicked.  That book described my childhood. 

If I had understood what was wrong with her, what makes her what she is, I could have worked around it.  When  I learned about BPD, my status changed from "childfree" to "childless". 

There have been so many times that I've been glad that I don't have kids though.  The schools around here are full of drugs. I've seen good parents bury kids due to a drug OD. And my sister is beside herself with worry over her college-aged and just out of college aged kids and Covid. That's how old my kids would be.  I don't know if I would be able to handle parenting right now. 

I have a diagnosis of anxiety, which is likley due to living in fear of my mom and adults in general as a kid.  My husband actually says "are you afraid of everything".  Raising kids would have been too hard for me.  I mourn it sometimes, but I know it was the best thing.  I do so much love being an Auntie and look forward to being a great-auntie.