Emotionally Exhausted

[lavender22]

I've been with my live in boyfriend for a very turbulent 13 years in an on and off again relationship.  He's never been diagnosed as BPD but man he fits all the traits right down the checklist.  He's a very difficult person to be with.  We can't plan a vacation because I never plan one "the right way" and of course he can't participate in the planning because I don't talk "the right way."  The last couple of vacations I went on, I took my adult kids and didn't invite him.  It was a nice break to be away from him and me sort of testing the waters of being away.  Daily conversations are a battle because he mishears me and picks fights.  He's hyper critical and either angry or sulking constantly.  He's so focused on his own emotional battles he never shows interest in how I'm doing.  And I hate to admit this but we haven't shared a bedroom in probably 3 years.  The sex is rare and that's hard.  I really miss any kind of genuine physical contact, even holding hands.  He has his own bedroom that is secret and I'm not allowed in it.  He's resisted all efforts to have any kind of relationship in the normal reciprocal sense of the word. We can't even share a phone plan because I guess that is too much commitment for him.  I honestly hate to admit even to myself how bad this has become.  I struggled with depression last winter and I'm pretty scared to go through another winter with him in my life.  I'm emotionally exhausted and I think I'm just done.  I've talked to him about breaking up.  He usually rages in response, everything is my fault, etc.  and if I would just do it the right way everything would be fine.  The fights are surreal because he lives in such a different reality than I do.  He refuses to have an actual conversation about ending things.  He lives in my house that I own so I suppose I have to hire a lawyer to get him out if I go down that path.  For years, he constantly threatened to leave me mostly as leverage to get his way or hurt me.  Now that I'm finally done, of course, he's not interested in leaving.  It seems he's just spiraled down in the last few years to being a one-dimensional angry person living in a separate room and all of his disappointment and anger are laser targeted at me.  There used to be moments of connection here and there that were enough to keep me going in the relationship but even those have faded away.  It seems he has decided he hates me even to the point of inventing things I did to him or completely twisting small things I did into huge attacks.  I guess I'm just looking for support.  Throwing away 13 years is tough.  We did have some good times, amazing times, but those were so long ago.  Just numb right now.  I'm trying to formally move into the break up phase but it's hard to find the energy to get there and a small piece of me keeps hoping something will change.  Thanks for listening/reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I can imagine how hard it is to have a relationship with someone, that isn't able to talk about the relationship (either ending it or making it better)

I realize that "in the moment" he isn't able to have the conversation, yet I wonder if there is a way to "prep" or give him space.

Usually a good rule of thumb is a 30 min to get emotions calmed once they ar fired up.  Said another way, it's unlikey he can truly calm in less than 30.

Does this ring true with what you have seen?

I want to assure you that you have found a safe group of people that "get it".  I'll check back soon for your response.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Lavender,
As formflier said, we understand what you're going through and it's tough.

You sound as though you're ready to break up with him, but still harbor a tiny bit of hope. It may seem nonsensical, but I'm going to move your post to the Bettering board.

Since he lives in your house, you need to have some strategies to be able to calm things down should tempers escalate. And certainly asking him to move out will present some challenges.

Best wishes,
Cat

[lavender22]

Thanks for the replies.

He's unwilling to discuss anything at any time in any way.  First comes a barrage of blame.  Everything is my fault. He can't listen to me because I don't talk right (although he can never tell me what talk right is). Then the attacks start and he can be vicious.  He, of course, is always the victim and by wanting to talk about even one small thing I'm somehow attacking him.  He usually escalates into screaming pretty quickly and then he will run away to his room.  If I knock on the room's door, he explodes in rage which is scary.  At times he's pushed and shoved me.  So, once he's in his room, I let him be.  And he spends a lot of days in there I guess avoiding me.

And I get it.  He fully believes even a basic conversation that is very neutral and walking on eggshells  is attacking him.  He is extremely thin skinned.  He even gets upset about things he thinks he heard but I didn't say.  So he can't even listen in a way that is neutral.  I'm sure he does perceive everything as an attack but he really isn't fully in reality.

 I think at this point I'm just an evil monster to him raging and attacking.  At least that's how he describes it.  In reality, I walk on eggshells and when I am around him, I barely talk , eyes down, keep things neutral and business like.  He provides nothing to me - no companionship, no friendship.  I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  And it's been this way for years.

At this point, I really do want it to end.  I realize I may have to hire a lawyer to get him out.  As much as he hates me, I have a nice home.  He doesn't work and he will struggle once I'm out of his life.  He regularly says he is overworked and enslaved when in reality he may do a couple of hours of work such as walking the dog.  He's very lazy but I think he believes his own BS.

Basically, he's not in reality anymore.  Everything is black and white with him as the victim and me as the aggressor.  I mean I think he has some grip on reality. He complains constantly but he won't go so he does have some knowledge that his life here is decent. 

I'm really at wit's end.  There are days I can use some tactics here to get him to talk but there are days I've exploded in anger myself.  I was depressed last winter and turned everything inward so it does feel better to feel the anger at least and not the hopeless depression I struggled through.

But I don't think I can take it much longer.  This isn't a life.  I really feel like a caretaker/prisoner of a crazy person.

[Jay763]

HI,

Reading your story really tugged on me. I can relate to: I walk on eggshells and when I am around him, I barely talk , eyes down, keep things neutral and business like.  He provides nothing to me - no companionship, no friendship.  I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  And it's been this way for years.

It's sad, they exhaust themselves and others and still blame other people instead of taking responsibility for their emotional problems.

If you really think there is a sliver of hope left, then run with that and write a letter to him about what the next step should be. No blaming only solutions.

OR if you are ready to be done; then make a plan. What does this look like?