husband was just diagnosed, overwhelmed and this just sounds like too much work

[ithacana]

Hi all,

My husband was just diagnosed with BPD. He went into the ER for an evaluation last week after a particularly awful night and his therapist convinced him to go. He's been in an inpatient program for almost a week now, this is where he got the diagnosis. We've been having a lot of problems for a long time now, and have tried so many things. He's always struggled with anxiety and depression (or at least that's what I/he thought it was) since I've known him, and has been on medication for that and in therapy, but it's never really seemed to help all that much.

We have small children and since they were born he has gotten much worse, and the raging and blaming me for everything have been basically intolerable. I've thought about leaving many times, and have left for short periods a couple of times. I am very susceptible to guilt though, and I keep ending up coming back, only for us to get back into the same pattern...I've been working with a therapist myself for about a year, largely trying to understand why I am still here when I _know_ that for my own sanity and the well-being of my kids I should have left a long time ago. But I feel some sense of obligation, since I knew when we got married and decided to have children that he had mental health issues (obviously I did not know how severe they were, and he was able to function much better before) so I guess I still kind of feel that I made my own bed and now I have to lie in it. Probably the fact that he keeps telling me when we argue that he was open with me about his problems all along contributes to this.

Anyway, I'm not sure there's a question here exactly. I just have been reading as much as I can about BPD in the past week, and the thing that strikes me in what I've been reading is just how much WORK it seems to be for the person dealing with a BPD person. I'm already feeling like I need time and space to just recover myself after going through all this chaos, and the idea of having to maintain such a strict level of control over my own emotions and way of communicating with him, all for his benefit...well, right now I can't say I'm very open to doing even more work on his behalf. Maybe this means I should just leave permanently and let us both try to move on, but given that we have small children, we will never truly move on, and I am reluctant to do that before exhausting all options.

I guess just looking for thoughts about whether it's possible to continue having a relationship with a BPD person without it taking over all of our lives for good. My sense from what I'm seeing-- both in books I'm reading and on message boards-- is no, but I'm willing to listen if people have different perspectives. Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, it is a lot of work to learn how to respond differently to our partners with BPD. I was very resistant at first because I thought, "Hey, he's the one with the problem. Why should I have to bend over backwards to make things easier for him when he makes my life so difficult?"

But, as I read here more and learned about the tools, I started figuring out how to quickly disengage from arguments, to notice when he started to go off the rails, to learn how to clean up less than optimal wording on my part and keep going--things started getting better--a lot better in fact.

I'm going to move your post to the Bettering Board. Even if you do decide to leave, and certainly that is an option, you'll need to have strategies to keep the peace and cool things down.

Best wishes,
Cat

[bpdsep2020]

i am in a very similar situation and i completely empathize with you. until he got the BPD diagnosis (which was only on Friday, so like three days ago) we both thought he was struggling only with alcoholism, depression, and anxiety. getting the diagnosis has been a huge relief for both of us but like you, i need time to just decompress from the last 3-5 years of rage and guilt and all the rest, before even trying to think about how to move forward together! thankfully he is in in-patient treatment right now, which gives me time to myself (even though it is busier without him helping out with his usual duties in the partnership). i have found a lot of help from the "love over addiction" podcast (also on spotify, and youtube, all free!) which is really focused on helping yourself. one of the things i heard is that it takes at least half the time of the "abuse" or "mistrust" to rebuild that trust and connection. so if it has been happening for 3-5 years, it might take 1.5-2.5 years to really get to a good place. not for everyone. sending you support from afar 

[ithacana]

Thanks for the replies, they are helpful. I'll have to check out that podcast!

My husband is also still in an inpatient program, and will probably be there until at least the end of the week. I am thankful for the breathing space, but even with him there he has managed to keep contacting me, and to me that does not seem like a hopeful sign. He's not supposed to have his phone or any other devices, but they've let him have the phone in the morning and at night because he has chants on there that help him meditate, but he's also used it to text me and his dad and I think a few others, and to call me a couple of times. I had asked when he was going that we have very limited contact right now--I want to know about his medical stuff, when he's being released, etc., but not have conversations about our relationship.

He is very concerned that I am leaving him, and I can't tell him with any honesty that that is not going to happen. I have said he should concentrate on himself and getting better and then we will talk, but he clearly wants me to say that once he's "cured" we will be fine as a couple. I've said I need time to recover and once we've both had a break and feel stronger in ourselves we can talk about what to do next, but, again, this is not enough for him. He recognizes (I think) that this is part of the BPD, and also part of the problems we are having, but right now he still can't manage to stop himself from asking, and pushing and guilting me when he doesn't get the answer he wants. I know he's very early on in learning about this, and has barely started treatment, so I probably should give him a break, but it's just reinforcing for me that he still doesn't really get it.

Anyway, sending support back to bpdsep2020 and thanks to Cat Familiar. I'm really grateful to have this place to learn more and connect with others who are going though similar things. It seems so isolating right now (even apart from covid!)