So, I Finally Made The "Big D" decision...

[mstnghu]

I've been a lurker and part-time contributor here for a long time and have posted under different groups, depending on where my wife and I were at in our relationship at the time.

I've finally reached my final decision though. I need to divorce my wife. I can't stay married to her anymore. I've analyzed this entire relationship and our situation to death. I've sought advice from friends, family, therapists and lawyers over the years but ultimately it's a decision that has to be made by me. The situation is just so clear to me now. I'm miserable with her. I'm happy away from her. I don't see any kind of happy future with her and our relationship dynamic is horrible for our 9 year old son to have to be stuck living in.

Over the last year and a half, I quit drinking and joined AA and even work with a sponsor now. Drinking had been my unhealthy coping mechanism of dealing with a toxic relationship and obviously it brought a new element of problems to our relationship. Often times when people get sober, they want to fix relationships but I now see more clearly than ever how we are just not right for each other. I also became very health-conscious physically and mentally after I quit drinking and have taken many steps toward a much healthier me and that has also pulled me further away from her unhealthy ways.

So, I finally told her for the first time a little over a week ago that I no longer want us to be together. I calmly laid out many different reasons why and also how I'd like for us to try to proceed. I swear, in typical BPD fashion, she didn't hear me. I will never understand how they can process things in their heads in a way that's completely out of touch with the reality of a situation. Since the first time I brought it up, I've continued to calmly bring up the issue and make it clear to her that we need to move on and start our own lives. She finally seemed to sort of understand it but then says she won't leave because she refuses to share our son. She also doesn't seem to understand that the laws in our state (CA) actually won't allow that. If one spouse wants to leave, they are free to do so and the other spouse can't keep them. We will also each get 50/50 custody of our son.

Anyways, any moral support or advice for anybody who's been in my shoes would be appreciated. I feel I got the ball rolling but unfortunately, if I don't keep it rolling everything will remain status quo. I don't think she'll leave on her own and I'll end up having to pack up my things and move to my parents' house temporarily which I'd prefer not to do. The really irritating thing is that her family lives in a different area from us and she's wanted to move out their way for a long time. Now's her chance to do that and she's refusing to leave me. They'd gladly help her out with whatever she needs. She's not happy with me but she'll be damned if I move on with my life and find happiness.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mstnghu, Yes, I've been in your shoes.  Are you seeing a therapist?  If not, you might want to find a counselor who can help you through the emotional aspects of a divorce.  Have you met with a lawyer?  If not, you might want to retain someone who can guide you through the legal process.  Are you considering a separation?  You mentioned moving in with your parents temporarily, which may be a necessary step.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: leaving a pwBPD is bound to be an ordeal.  Plenty of us on this Board, however, have done it and found that it leads to greater happiness.  In the meantime, be prepared for rough waters ahead.  I admire your courage to make a change.

Feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[GaGrl]

You may want to post over on the Legal board. There is a lot of solid info over there, as well as people to help strategize.