What happens when ex wBPD moves on quickly to another relationship?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One thing that I hadn't thought to ask yet, which is probably the most important question for where I am currently, is - what should I expect from my ex with BPD now that she has quickly jumped into another relationship?  I realize this can vary.

Two weeks after we broke up, she is now in a new relationship (of course, it could have started earlier), where according to everyone we know and from social media, they are already very much in love!

Important facts: My ex wBPD gave me an ultimatum - she wanted to move in within 30 days or we were over.  I didn't agree.  I said we needed to work on our issues before we took that next step.  I reiterated that I wanted a future with her, that I loved her, and that I wanted for her to eventually move in, but I didn't think we were ready until we addressed some very fundamental issues about our relationship, including most importantly our communication (I'm not having chaos in my house all the time - I didn't say that specifically, but was the primary reason).  She was never willing to take ownership or responsibility for her part in our disagreements.  I was always told I needed to change.  She said I didn't love her and wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and that while she knows I'm the only one for her, if I couldn't give her what she needed right then, that she would be forced to pursue a future with someone else.  Next thing I know, she's moved on (I wasn't aware at the time that there was someone actually already pursuing her and showing her lots of attention, and when I "rejected" her, she moved on).  I really think she feels like I hurt her somehow in this situation by stringing her along and not being ready for serious relationship.  She kept saying that I would regret it when I let her slip through my fingers.  That soon I would see!  I suppose she knew what she was doing.

I definitely at this point do not want to rekindle a relationship and I want to make sure that I'm in a good place when (or if) she reaches back out to me and that I will stand my ground and not get sucked back into the chaos.

I realize that the timing of when she reaches back out to me will depend on a variety of factors, including how her new relationship is going.  For those of you who have had your ex BPD partner leave you for someone else (or move on very quickly), does the ex wBPD only typically reach back out once they start having issues with their new relationship or do they reach out to rub it in to prove you wrong or somehow keep you in the background or what has been your experience?  I just want to be best prepared.

[Nala2020]

One thing that I hadn't thought to ask yet, which is probably the most important question for where I am currently, is - what should I expect from my ex with BPD now that she has quickly jumped into another relationship?  I realize this can vary.

Two weeks after we broke up, she is now in a new relationship (of course, it could have started earlier), where according to everyone we know and from social media, they are already very much in love!

Important facts: My ex wBPD gave me an ultimatum - she wanted to move in within 30 days or we were over.  I didn't agree.  I said we needed to work on our issues before we took that next step.  I reiterated that I wanted a future with her, that I loved her, and that I wanted for her to eventually move in, but I didn't think we were ready until we addressed some very fundamental issues about our relationship, including most importantly our communication (I'm not having chaos in my house all the time - I didn't say that specifically, but was the primary reason).  She was never willing to take ownership or responsibility for her part in our disagreements.  I was always told I needed to change.  She said I didn't love her and wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and that while she knows I'm the only one for her, if I couldn't give her what she needed right then, that she would be forced to pursue a future with someone else.  Next thing I know, she's moved on (I wasn't aware at the time that there was someone actually already pursuing her and showing her lots of attention, and when I "rejected" her, she moved on).  I really think she feels like I hurt her somehow in this situation by stringing her along and not being ready for serious relationship.  She kept saying that I would regret it when I let her slip through my fingers.  That soon I would see!  I suppose she knew what she was doing.

I definitely at this point do not want to rekindle a relationship and I want to make sure that I'm in a good place when (or if) she reaches back out to me and that I will stand my ground and not get sucked back into the chaos.

I realize that the timing of when she reaches back out to me will depend on a variety of factors, including how her new relationship is going.  For those of you who have had your ex BPD partner leave you for someone else (or move on very quickly), does the ex wBPD only typically reach back out once they start having issues with their new relationship or do they reach out to rub it in to prove you wrong or somehow keep you in the background or what has been your experience?  I just want to be best prepared.

[once removed]

if you are contacted, step back, and see it for what it is; not necessarily as something thats malicious, or something that is what you want it to be.

people (in general) reach out after a breakup for all sorts of reasons.

sometimes its because the breakup ended badly, and theyd rather end on a better note. sometimes its because they want to feel better about how it ended, or something they did. sometimes they have as many questions as we do, those questions just havent been a priority.

sometimes theyre really selfish, have a poor sense of whats appropriate after a breakup, and ask for a favor.

sometimes they have regrets. sometimes those regrets lead them to wanting to get back together. sometimes (usually) that feeling is temporary.

sometimes they havent detached and want to relitigate old relationship issues.

sometimes there is a longing for the good parts of the relationship, the old connection, that isnt necessarily an intent to get back together.

youll be in a good place if you take your time, not read too much into it (but read the right things into it) and understand that there are a variety of reasons for reaching out. some can be helpful, even healing. some are better off ignored.

[alittleawkward]

I definitely at this point do not want to rekindle a relationship and I want to make sure that I'm in a good place when (or if) she reaches back out to me and that I will stand my ground and not get sucked back into the chaos.

I realize that the timing of when she reaches back out to me will depend on a variety of factors, including how her new relationship is going.  For those of you who have had your ex BPD partner leave you for someone else (or move on very quickly), does the ex wBPD only typically reach back out once they start having issues with their new relationship or do they reach out to rub it in to prove you wrong or somehow keep you in the background or what has been your experience?  I just want to be best prepared.

Hi Nala, thought I'd chime in as I think I've had some relevant experience.

My ex stayed in contact with me for the first month of our break up but I pretty quickly gathered she had got back with her 'abusive' ex before me. I tried to kill any conversations she started however I did not think to just block her until 2 months on, where I started getting semi frequent essay-length texts about how much of a terrible human I was for breaking up with her. It was very painful to see the person she wanted to get a restraining order over take her to all the places we had planned to go over the summer.

These texts continued monthly for 6 months until I finally replied asking how she was doing, to which she told me terribly. I gathered that her ex had once again let her down in the relationship and through our short text exchange she managed to pin that on me - the initial exchanges always concluded with the problems in her life were my fault. In reflection it was incredibly self-damaging to even allow her to contact me in this way - I would block her for periods of a fortnight at a time once she had said something to hurt me but in reflection I suspect the reaction of being blocked every time she contacted me spurred her to continue on. I wish I had just left her blocked or never read the messages.

It wasn't until she had found a relationship with a semi-mutual friend that she reached out to me again to tell me how brilliantly she was doing (some 8 months after I broke up with her) with me out of her life (assuming to rub it in), however when this relationship ended a further 2 months down the line, she reached out to me once more in a much more engaging way. By this point I had ran a course of therapy for 4 months and had accepted that getting back with her would be totally detrimental, however I missed my close friend, so decided to reconnect.

After a month of friendly chatter she gave me an ultimatum. Get back with her or never speak to her again. I point blank told her I was never getting back with her, and 4 months earlier when we met in person after a gig we both attended I had told her there were 1000 reasons why I'd never get back with her. She said she wanted a partner who would move mountains for her, to which I replied I would like one who doesn't use my mental health as a reason to self-harm. The conversation spiralled into petty bitching at each other. We have not talked to each other directly since.


Now obviously, your ex is not the same as mine, however in my experience the contacting continued for the same length of the relationship after it was done for a variation of reasons..: Companionship, clear motive to cause distress for me, as well as clear motive to initiate jealousy. I always tried to keep these emotions away from her directly and made an effort to always text in an emotionless state, being factual and polite so to not give her any ground to play on. I know this wound her up when she was looking for a reaction however I'm sure the process of finally detaching would've been even worse if I gave in to more of her schemes.

The best advice I can give you is block her and keep NC until you are ready to face the music on your own terms. Now if my ex were to reach out I have ran another course of therapy and am in a much mentally stronger state than I was even at the start of our relationship. I can very easily pick up on manipulative behaviours and am able to walk away/diffuse the situation quicker now that I know she has had 6 partners in the (just over a) year we have been separate. When I reflect on our relationship now, of course I miss the good bits but I never want to be treated so poorly ever again, and I simply do not see it being better if I returned to her.

You can't control your ex's actions or motives, but you can control whether or not you will receive them, and how you respond.

[Rev]

I definitely at this point do not want to rekindle a relationship and I want to make sure that I'm in a good place when (or if) she reaches back out to me and that I will stand my ground and not get sucked back into the chaos.

I just want to be best prepared.

Hi Nala,

Once does a great job of listing all the various options.  And so I'm just going to add something to the "step back" portion.

And it's this - at this point, I think that the BPD portion of the relationship that you had takes up a smaller and smaller place in dictating what you do.  For sure as a relationship ends, there are some things that need to be reconciled - some are emotional and some are pragmatic.  But there is that step - and there, I would agree, knowing who you are dealing with is important.

But as time goes on (which is what no-contact is all about - buying time) it really becomes about your choices. And how she acts, not what she says, will dictate how you respond (not react). It really is up to you to choose what you feel you want to pick up at this point.

My ex tried all kinds of charms. If she asked for a coffee, I simply said "no thank you".  When she finally showed up at my place of work with her new guy in tow with my personal effects that she had been hiding for a couple of months, then I had my divorce lawyer write a cease and desist.  But in both case, I responded with the same emotionless attitude. No thank you for coffee - don't ever do that again when she showed up at my workplace unannounced. No emotion.

In behind the scenes mind you - I exploded. But that's what friends and therapy are for.

Hang in there.

Rev

[grumpydonut]

I'll add my experience to the above, as it differs slightly from the others.

I was strung along for three months with false promises, before being "let go". Then I found out she had left me for the guy she cheated with.

However, she started stalking me online a few months later. She added me from a fake account, also. And then two months ago she contacted my friend under false pretences (I assume to get a reaction from me).

So even if they discard you, their impulsiveness can cause them to do some truly confusing / irrational things - like stalking someone they discarded and replaced.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Mine reached out when she was having issues with her new fiance (yeah she ran off and got married 6 months after she got with the other guy, maybe less) and at her new home, I think out of desperation. A part of her wanted to run back to me.

Also, she didn't call me to rub it in, but she posted a lot on facebook and probably had her husband do the same to put up a facade of things being great, and to show the world that she wasn't the problem, she just needed the right guy! Yeah right...

[brighter future]

I always hear from my BPD ex-wife more when she is not dating anyone. I'd noticed that I had been hearing more from her over the last month or so, which made me wonder. In addition to that, she is also more confrontational and irritable if I don't exactly agree with her point of view (we have a child together). It doesn't matter if you present yourself in a courteous manner with her or not. She still lashes out at me.  That made me wonder if her new man that she had been dating about a year had left her. She's had 4-5 boyfriends since our divorce in early 2015 (I left her). Luckily all of them seem to wise up before it's too late.  I briefly trolled her b/f's social media page and found out that he has a new g/f. This new relationship appeared to start at the latter part of July, and he and my BPD ex-wife are no longer friends on social media. Must be it didn't end on a good note. More than likely, she's back on the dating sites looking for her next victim. When she finds him, maybe she'll ease up a bit on me. On the other hand, I always worry a bit about who she brings home, especially when our child is in her home visiting. I look forward to the day that our child is 18 and out of school, so I can completely get her toxic crap out of my life. She is highly toxic.  I've got a ways to go on that yet.  

My uPBD ex-g/f pinged me last week through a mutual friend's social media page. I found that odd she'd do that especially since I haven't spoken to her personally since the first or second week of May and removed her from my social media towards the end of May even though she was still liking and at times commenting on my social media posts. I spoke with my counselor about it last week, and she said that this ping was bait and please don't bite. My counselor said she feels like my ex-g/f will try to come back into my life if and when the relationship falls apart with her new man. She has easy access to me as her mother and father live next door, and she visits usually 2-3 times per week on average.  I was told that she started hitting the new guy up for marriage in August, and he told her marriage scared him and he had no plans for that. If history repeats itself, she'll start devaluing him like she did me when I balked at her requests for engagement/marriage due to her emotional issues.  With all that being said, I'm glad that I went NC with her at the advice of my counselor and the great people here. It's the best way possible to move on and remove yourself from the triangle. That way you can stop owning their issues and take care of yourself. Like my counselor said, "Practice compassion for her from a distance. Just don't reengage yourself into the situation/triangle."