Left via a text message

[ENFP]

My fiancee ended things over a text message whereas hours prior we were talking about how much we loved each other and couldn't wait to see one another.

Context: She abruptly left, on a one-way, over a month ago to go back home and get a second opinion on her recent diagnosis of low-grade bipolar with possible BPD. She doesn't trust the American healthcare system which, coming from the country where she's from, makes sense. She ended up maintaining the same medicine but at a higher dose and was diagnosed there as BPD with low-grade bipolar. She started therapy, all seemed promising!

Recently learned about the black/white aspect of BPD and whoa, it helps explain so much. I've been working with my therapist to learn how my reactions affect, how to be a better partner, how to get through the discard times, etc. I love her and I'll do whatever it takes. The upside was that we had resources and new skills to work on both our behaviors. We both were super excited that we had some guidance and understanding.

Short-lived. The day before her flight to come home, we got into an a disagreement and I thought I was doing the right things to not spiral down with her, detach with love and reassure her that everything was okay. I guess this was jarring because it became worse, and I became enemy number one, again. The messages became filled with "you this, you that, it's over, she deserved better, etc." I did not engage beyond saying things like, "your feelings are valid", "this must be scary for you...", things my therapist suggested in these moments to do. She texted me about having a panic attack so I called her several times, finally connected and I kept reassuring her that everything was okay, what she was feeling is valid, breathe, feel your feet, I'm not going anywhere, etc., she started calming down. We circled back around later on and had a discussion about what happened, it was calm and kind and seemed hopeful.

The next day, she had a therapy appointment and we talked, seemed in a good place, happy to see one another, sweet messages back and forth. Therapy appointment came and went, heard from her a few hours later and it was via a text, ending things with me. The message was not like anything I've ever experienced with her before, sterile, cold, resolute. Later, I received an "explanation" email that said the reason she couldn't come home or continue things with me is because her therapists diagnosed me with BPD/NPD. Follow-up emails included resources she deemed experts and that I needed to be assessed by them.

The following week, I spoke with my therapist/psychiatrist here and asked them to assess me for these two things. Immediately reached out to a couple of other resources to get this assessment, emailed the ones she gave me in her country. The results consistently are the same, I scored a three out of the nine for markers of BPD and have been told by two medical professionals that I could stand to build up MORE of the healthy narcissistic levels. I need to work on codependent behaviors.

Shared this with her and it's not good enough. These people are not up to snuff like her people. I asked her to have her people assess me and she said no. Anyway, I told her that I loved her, apologized for my behaviors that have caused her pain and unhappiness, that she isn't her diagnosis, this was our life and our relationship and that I would do whatever it takes to be a better partner. I did say that I felt like I was having to tik boxes to get her love.

So, I'm leaving things alone. I'm devastated on so many levels. The person I love, I want to spend my life with doesn't see the real me. I recognize that no matter what I do, what I say, who I am, who I am not, etc., it will not matter because she will see me how she wants to. I feel like a am trying to find the ground so to plant my feet—tornado spin with this whole experience. I'm exhausted, heartbroken, confused... it's like she is right there, and I am inches away from her, reaching out, calling out, flaring arms to get her to see me but there is this thick, sound-proof, foggy glass barrier between us that nothing is getting through. I cannot reach her.

What do I do?

[dindin]

I am really sorry you are going through this. I can relate, I was discarded out of nowhere, a day after an amazing date and expressions of love. Blew my mind. So I can totally understand what you are going through, and would really like to say: stay strong.

The fall out from that discard left me extremely confused, to the point that I didn't even remember who I was, I lost all force of any conviction, so be prepared to fall into pieces like that. It's been a couple of months and just now I start to be somewhat even-keeled. Everyone has their own timeframe for this.

What helped me was to realise through reaserch on BPD is that the discard was really not out of nowhere. It was there from the start. And I bet if you spend some time reading and applying that academic knowledge to your situation, you'll see something similar. It is a preorchestrated dynamic. There is nothing personal about it, except from little bits and pieces - that really don't matter much. A death in a theatre play is not as serious as a real death - you know what I mean? It takes the sting off.

As to what you do practically? Whatever feels right for you. Trust your gut and try to get at the bottom of this. I find intensive therapy a life-saver. In therapy I moved away from grieving the r/s into figuring why I was there and why there was this almost "magical" connection there - and it makes all the difference. Just take care of yourself and expect horrible moodswings.

I can sense your suffering and I wish that ultimately good fortune finds a way into your life.

[Baglady]

Hi ENFP 

Many of us here on this site can completely relate to your situation.  It feels so cruel and baffling.

Dindin explains the dynamic of these relationships perfectly.  I was in a relationship for 27 years (21 marriage) with my exBPDh (who denies he has any issues and claims that I too am NPD.  I'm actually working on developing some healthy narcissism!).  He discarded me in much the same way as your ex-fiancee.  We co-parent a teen and I'm very low-contact now.

Food for thought...it is SO much harder to extricate yourself from a long-term relationship and a marriage with a BPD.  I really have given my life in service to a disorder that I didn't even know my ex had.  My marriage was so confusing and I had no idea that I wasn't actually the major source of all the problems within it.  My relationship was a huge hit to my self-esteem and I have a life-time of therapy ahead.

I look at situations like yours and honestly - the thought "dodging a bullet" come to mind.  I sorely regret that I didn't get the same opportunity and/or recognize what I was really dealing with in the early part of my relationship.  I can't help but speculate what my life would look like now if I was in a marriage with an emotionally healthy person.

I'm not minimizing your current pain in any way at all.  It is acute I know.  I just wanted to give you a different perspective.

Warmly. 
B

[dindin]

I also don't want to downplay your experience, because mine is alomst identical, and I know how hard it is. But really I need to echo what Baglady wrote. I am only months into healing but already I recognise the discard as almost a gift. I thought my self-esteem would get a beating, but strangely so, I feel empowered and lucky that it happened. I only lost 2 years, no children, no financial obligations, no marriage. Still young. And here I am, thanks to this suffering, able to break the vicious cycle that almost ruined my life: narcissistic wound and codependency. If I focus on myself now I can reclaim what life has to offer that was wasted through generation and generation in my family: abuse and emotional neglect - and this is all thanks to the suffering of the most extreme cases of codependency: a r/s with a cluster B personality. And I also didn't have to do any heavy-lifiting, the discard was there for me waiting to bring me to a better place in lafe.

Although it might not seem like this now, if you focus, if you're gentle to yourself, if you take the time to process this and reject all distractions, and stay true to yourself: in a matter of weeks or months, you'll see this as a great gift and opportunity for growth.

We are here for you, if you need any support, don't hesitate to share any thoughts.

I just cannot imagine the suffering of people who had decades of this, marriage, kids, youth. I am really sorry this happened to you Baglady, but you seem to be in a nice place right now?

[Agshoe]

The person I love, I want to spend my life with doesn't see the real me.

This struck a cord with me. I know how you feel. I have been feeling this for the past month. The same situation, out of nowhere.

It's frustrating isn't it. Heartbreaking and leaves you still in the relationship. After nearly a month now I have recovered some sense of my self again. I still think of her in most moments of the day but i'm no longer an emotional wreck.

The only positive thing that I've found that has helped me, apart from some therapy is to write poetry and take the emotion of the experience and create something with it. Transforming the pain into something beautiful.

The other advice I would give is practical for yourself, and own well being. Sleep well, eat well, don't spend lots of time alone,  take some anti-anxiety herbal supplements and protect yourself from letting the situation spiral you down into something worse, as it did me.

Hang in there buddy, stay strong for yourself and the positive future that will come.

[ENFP]

Hi everyone. Thank you for sharing your experiences and well wishes. I would say, you have no idea what that means to me but after reading these messages, I believe you guys do have an idea. I’m so sorry that you guys have had similar experiences and subsequent heartbreak. Thank you for reaching out to me and for sharing these, what I could only imagine as raw, and extremely vulnerable experiences.

Dindin, you mentioned a preorchestrated dynamic and that really stuck on me. From reading up on BPD, seems like there is a massive pattern(s) afoot so I suppose it was only a matter of time, right? I am very happy to read how you have embraced this and taken the pain, turned it into triumph. I’m reading David Goggins book, Cant Hurt Me, and what you wrote reminded me of it.

Baglady, thats fantastic, go girl! I never knew healthy narcissism was a thing until this week so Im thrilled you are working on that for yourself. Thats very inspiring and I hope you are feeling empowered and also being gentle with yourself.

Agshoe, yes, beyond frustrating. I want to call her up and say “come home, baby, just come home.” but, dont because those moments of “home” were just a dream, this pain, reality. Yours is fresh too and sounds like a similar discard, I’m very sorry. It’s great reading how you are turning it into a positive like Dindin and Baglady.

I know I am freshly reeling from this but I am here for you guys as well. I’m grateful for this community and want/will give back.

[Baglady]

Hi folks,

BPD is a truly savage disorder.  Not only for the sufferer but I'd argue almost as much, if not more so, for the people in relationship with the disordered.  I'll pass along a joke that I've heard about the BPD community - it's the only mental health disorder that results in those in relationship with the sufferer who end up in life-long therapy rather than the actual diagnosed person with the disorder!

Those of you who only had a year or two in a relationship with a BPD, count yourselves lucky to have received a crash course in unhealthy intimacy skills.  Do the necessary grieving, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and throw yourself out into the world with a PH.D in relationship skills.  Count yourselves among the lucky ones who got out early.

Warmly,
B