Splitting again, what can i do ?

[Toxsick]

Hi everyone !

It's been a year since i posted about my gf but here i am again

So, it's been a year since her last splitting on me and we're together for over 3 years now.
I think i triggered her by being myself short tempered and being too anxious/clingy, and yesterday she splitted on me, saying she wants to break up because she needs freedom.

At first she says she was thinking about it since a week, then 2 weeks, then a month and finally a year... so i can totally say her sayings are just... "in her mind". Also, she always start to feel bad when autumn start (and also in springtime but less stronger)

In conclusion, we're still together. She says she still loves me but want more freedom (to do what ? idk actually she don't even want to do crazy stuff, just being by herself if i understand well)
It's very fresh, even if she says she started to think like that since 1/2 weeks.. i don't think so
because : last week, we were in a trip (and argued a lot over small things, mainly me being too anxious and irritable) but during THIS week, even if she was distant, she talked to me normally ect

So, i think she really splitted yesterday and when she left to return her home (we're 22/23 and live with our parents) she sayed between "mean" things that i'm strong so it will be ok. And also that she won't break up -for now-. She then sayed goodbye and we talked a LITTLE bit (some randoms things like good night etc)

SO I need help because : I know it will pass, it always pass. So i'm okay to be patient and leave her some space but i must admit i'm FULL stressed because of the instability. And this anxiety make me overthink and gives me the urge to be clingy (even if i know it will be worse if i suffocate her)

Does someone have any tips to reassuring myself, be strong and patient ? 
And also how to treat her maybe ?

thanks a lot for your help ♥

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[myinnertorch]

Welcome to the BPD Carnival ride...round and round she goes, where she stops, no one knows!

I would take this moment to step back an evaluate yourself and your intentions. Right now it appears you are a puppet and she is pulling the strings. "Instability" is the name of the game when it comes to being in a relationship with someone who is BPD. You will always be guessing..."what did I say?" "What did I do to trigger...?" Will she/he come back around...and if they do, how will they behave?

I am beginning to believe that we, the non-disordered actually have a disorder, a dependency disorder. We seem to get caught up in the drama that is the BPD's world and take on a starring role. I know, I am fully featured in one and have been caught up like an emotional satellite orbiting my uBPD wife for almost 20 years.

We all have a choice in this world, put up or walk away...in the end you have to decide how you want to live your life. There are good people in this world and we deserve them.

Best of luck to you in whatever course of action you take, but understand, they don't change.

[Jay763]

Hi there, This is merely my advise. Work on your own insecurities and it will make you so emotionally strong. You will value yourself so much more and you will not be rocked by unnecessary drama when it comes your way. Insecurities on both ends can destroy a relationship.

And you are right, It always passes. But it does come back.

It is a roller coaster ride unless professional help is involved eventually...

[Toxsick]

Thanks for your replies @myinnertorch & @Jay763

You're right, it's a roller coaster but i've made the choice to ride it, i think i just need to tighten my seatbelt 

it's been 4 days now, she send 1 message a day and clearly said she try to avoid me. But i proposed her to go to an amusement park just before that and she asked if it was open in december/january (so.. i suppose a part of her can still see us together until then ? maybe ?)

Also yes, being apart like that triggers me because I feel in a unpleasant situation and of course, i want to "control it", so i know everything is alright. I also think, when i'm less anxious about the situation and more logical, that i just need to be patient but i'm afraid she suddenly leave me
Do you have any tips for working on that ? to become more "stronger" i guess

[myinnertorch]

Hi Toxsick

You may have to face the card of "discard" if she is not engaging you. This can sometimes be the last card played in the crazy game of BPD.

I have been married for almost 18 years now to a uBPD. I am working out of town and she went NC with me last week when she abruptly hung up on me because I actually grew a backbone and called her out on one of her delusions. Unfortunately for me she's gone dark now, except for a few necessary texts. Don't know where this episode is going to go, but as painful as it is, I have to accept that I can only control what "I" can control and it sure as heck ain't her.

My advice to you is the same, work on yourself, control what you can and that is yourself and your emotions. Don't invest the farm in her and let fate be your guide. Easy enough to write and difficult to live, this I know, because for me it's an everyday type of event. Fair? No, but these are the cards I have and can decide whether to fold or discard to stay in the game.

In the end, understand you are working with a personality disorder, plain and simple. Someone who may not have emotionally matured beyond 5 or 6 years old trapped in an adults body. Not easy to deal with a screaming, raging 5 year old who can't reset. Sometimes it helps to look at it from this perspective. Still, I feel your pain and wish you all the best in your continued struggle with this situation. As you can see, you are not alone!

[Jay763]

Well put; gone dark. And it does feel like dealing with a toddler...

[once removed]

It's been a year since i posted about my gf but here i am again

why go a year without your support group?

not only do you not have to do this alone, but in general, it helps just as much, sometimes even more so, to post when times are good, to stay ahead of things, than when things go wrong; its hard to know what to do after the fact.

I think i triggered her by being myself short tempered and being too anxious/clingy, and yesterday she splitted on me, saying she wants to break up because she needs freedom.

what happened?

how do you see it, and as objective as you can be, how do you think she sees it?