How can I commit/get the strength to leave?

[Abazaba]

If you read my old posts, you’ll see that me and my BPD fiancé have been together 6 years and were both 32. I only learned about the BPD 3 months ago when we separated after living together for 3 months as well.

During our separation, I have literally been subjected to the most horrific verbal abuse imaginable. Worse than anything I experienced during the relationship, which was already bad enough. I’ve been called every name in the book. He’s told me that he hopes I burn in hell, die and suffer for the rest of my life. I’ve been called pathetic, weak, a loser and a coward. This is all for asking to separate after 3 months of living with him and experiencing constant rage, tantrums, hypochondria and unpredictability that kept me on edge always.

For the full 3 months since we have been apart,I did nothing in response to the attacks other than stay calm, keep apologizing for initiating our separation, and reassure him that I love him because I wanted to rebuild our relationship.. Occasionally he would have a day of being sweet, and  then he would suddenly shift again and hurl more insults. I lost count of how many times he called me screaming cursing and then hung up before I could respond. However, after keeping course for the entire time, I gave out. He started calming down and wanting to talk and see one another but at that point, I started having second thoughts and wondering whether I could actually do this relationship. I told him as much after he ttold of me he was still unsure too. Apparently, it was not ok for me to express my doubts. He raged and split on me again.

His mother (yes at 32) has been very involved. Of course, she was quick to blame me and say that “as soon as he warmed up to reconciling, you pulled back - you’re giving mixed signals!” This is in spite of being literally viciously attacked for MONTHS. I’m still expected to be steadfast and committed. I guess I’m not allowed to be human.

After being nice to me for 2 days, he again flipped on me today telling me that I need to fix myself and he’s sick of trying to make me happy. Screaming yelling and hung up on me before I got a word out. I am so sick of it all. I am literally sick from the back and forth - I can’t eat, sleep or work. I want out. My problem is that I think per my therapist this has become an addiction. When he calls and acts nice, I get roped back in. How can I stop! How do I let go once and for all? This is tearing me apart and I need to commit to leaving because deep down I know it’s the right path, as difficult and painful as it is. Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Why pick up the phone when he calls?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Ask yourself if this is the life you want 40 years from now? See yourself as an old woman and him as an old man, who alternates between raging at you and being occasionally sweet.

So many people get into these relationships thinking that through the power of love and endless patience, they can fix their partners and the kind person will come to the forefront and the abusive person will vanish. (I believed this in my first marriage.)

Unfortunately since BPD is magnified within intimate relationships, the abusive person is likely to frequently make his presence known.

If you truly want out, you must face the facts and give up magical thinking that someday you might only interact with the kind person. He’s a package deal. You get both sides.

Is this what you truly want and feel you deserve?

[WantToBeFree]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I, as most here I am sure, can relate.  I was with my BPD xH for 11 years (he was also physically abusive) before I left, and I spent the last two years trying to leave multiple times, but every time I tried, he pulled out the charm, promising to change, saying he can't do it without me, vowing to be the man I need. 

Sometimes I fell for it, but most of the time, near the end anyway, it only affected me because I still loved him enough to hurt when he was hurting.  It didn't matter that he put me through hell, my heart was crushed when I saw him hurting, and I was the "cause" of it. 

The bad news is, you won't be able to leave until you are ready.  I tried many times, we were even separated and living apart for 3 months but I still took him back.  One day I finally just said I'm done, and I meant it and never looked back.  In the years I spent trying to leave, I kept a (private) pinterest board that I would pin relavent quotes to.  Things that just constantly reminded me that I do not deserve this, this is not love, and I needed to get out.  One of my favorites was "Your relationship should be a safe haven, not a battlefield.  Life is hard enough as it is".

Seeing my thoughts, and things that applied to my life written by someone else was very therapuetic.  They were almost like daily affirmations that kept me centered and kept me realizing that this was not the relationship I wanted or needed.  I also thought about the fact that I am 12 years from the age at which my mom died and it terrified me to think of even spending one more day of my life so unhappy with this man when life is so short.  I hated the idea of possibly dying young, and realizing I spent the last x amount of years so unhappy with such a miserable person.

It's also hard to see now I am sure, but a year and a half after we split, I met my current boyfriend and he is everything my exH wasn't and he is everything I've ever wanted.  You deserve better.  Unfortunately you can't make yourself be ready, but for me the above things helped me get there. 

Good luck to you, I hope you can get yourself there sooner than later.  Many hugs!

[letmeout]

I had the same issue, in the end I had to force myself to go complete no contact. I had friends who would remind me why that was a good thing to do, thank goodness. Finally I left, I got a new phone number, I got a new life. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. You can do it! It is hard, but necessary.

[WendyW]

I'm struggling with the same issue - it's like an addiction. I'm in a destructive relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years.

On an intellectual level, I know he hit me and threatened suicide before my eyes despite promises of never doing it again enough times that it's very unlikely he'll stop once and for all. However, when things are good, things are beautiful. I remember why he's my soulmate and why I want to start a family with him.

But there's something else. Deep down, I think I deserve it. Coming from an abusive family, I recognize some of his behavior as normal and familiar. In addition, my boyfriend says that I made him rage or made him panic and explode, which I worry might be true. That I'm not a good or deserving person.

[Cat Familiar]

Your third paragraph is the key as to why you stay with someone who behaves abusively.

Did you grow up with a parent who had a personality disorder?