No communication

[Scorchio]

Hi All,

This is my first post so apologies in advance if this is the wrong place for this post or any other faux pas I make!

I've been with my wife now for over 10 years and though she is undiagnosed she shows so many of the BPD traits that I'm sure it is there in some form.

Her fear of abandonment is probably the most extreme of her symptoms, which has slowly but surely left me incredibly isolated from friends & family. Any plans I have on my own are immediately met with either upset & panic attacks or anger and accusations of abandonment.

This combined with the sheer unpredictability of her moods in general have meant that I have become emotionally distanced from her, and find myself shutting off from her when she becomes angry/upset to the extreme. I know this is just my own form of self protection, but I think it has happened so much that I'm not sure I see a way future  where I can be happy with her.

The problem I'm now facing is that I need to try and broach the subject of not being happy and the reason being our relationship. That's just not a conversation that we ever have - she frequently says how unhappy she is, but never asks how I am and never seems to acknowledge that the issues might be the relationship, her unhappiness is always blamed on something external (where we live, her job etc).

She does see a counsellor but from what she tells me she doesn't even get close to tackling the real issues - which are often forgotten when she's come out the other side of her anger or upset.

So I'm not sure how to try and get into a conversation and at least start to talk about the issues we have when she doesn't acknowledge that they exist... any thoughts or tips would be very welcome!

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DS2020]

Scorchio,

Not sure I can offer a lot of help, but I can let you know that you are not alone in experiencing these things. Whenever I would do something on my own, or with a friend, or with a family member, it was pure walking on eggshells. It would trigger a panic and a jealousy and a rage that was obviously a result of an abandonment fear. It caused me to avoid or put off so many things because I just didn't want to deal with what I knew would occur. Consequently, as you said, I became more emotionally distant. Like in your case, any attempt at counseling on her part would just be a shift to other people to blame (me) as opposed to a self reflection. I'm not sure how old you are. It does begin to slowly get better with age usually. I think as others might agree, she may have to hit some bottom or experience some loss to really get serious about helping herself. In my case, it is only after moving out and requesting the start of a divorce has she fully accepted her diagnosis and begun the hard work to address it. It certainly feels like a kick in the you know what that she did not come to this realization sooner. Hopefully you have better luck. There are probably others on here that may have better pointers. I do know that staying calm during rages is difficult but the only way to go. Good luck with your relationship.

[Scorchio]

Hi DS,

Thanks for the reply - it does help just to know others are going through the same thing somehow.

And I do think you're right that something has to happen for her to hit rock bottom and try to get some help, and I am coming to the realisation that me leaving may be the only thing that may initiate change could be me leaving. That just feels quite big and I'm not too sure how to get to that point.

Thanks again.

[Jay763]

Hi I'm sorry you're going through this. We are all in this together and I feel so much better that this website exists, filled with support. The downfall is this: they are different in therapy. I hate saying that but I went to couples therapy for a month because of insurance reasons, and when I brought up factual behavior his face would get red and stiff and after a session such as that, he wanted to spend the night alone. He feels attacked constantly and has abandonment issues from his mother. He is a grown man and has never addressed his issues, abandons therapy and maybe he was diagnosed and never told me but here I am. So, I'm not sure if this helps but; suggest a lot of "we" stuff, like try not to point the finger but rather say "we should better ourselves" anyway we know how.

The mood swings are always hard to handle and because you are now isolated from friends that isn't healthy. Keep in mind that there always will be a theatrical scene when the attention is not on them ( I hate saying that but I have found it to be true).