Separating from SO due to BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in a relationship for 3 years.
She has OCD, and did say she has BPD also, but I disregarded it, not knowing what it was. 

6 months ago she moved into the house which I own alone.  Things were good for a while, but then things changed.  She never wants sex.  She wants to be alone (live in the closet, as she says).  She has always withdrawn from conflict, so resolution to issues has always been tough.  I can be an aggressive jerk when avoided so that adds friction.  She has in the past 2 weeks asked me to seek help with supporting our situation.  Any advice from experienced people would be appreciated.   We are still in love but cannot live with each other.  She has made another spontaneous choice to buy a home, and it closes this week.  Help!

[chris2000]

I have been in a relationship for 3 years.
She has OCD, and did say she has BPD also, but I disregarded it, not knowing what it was. 

6 months ago she moved into the house which I own alone.  Things were good for a while, but then things changed.  She never wants sex.  She wants to be alone (live in the closet, as she says).  She has always withdrawn from conflict, so resolution to issues has always been tough.  I can be an aggressive jerk when avoided so that adds friction.  She has in the past 2 weeks asked me to seek help with supporting our situation.  Any advice from experienced people would be appreciated.   We are still in love but cannot live with each other.  She has made another spontaneous choice to buy a home, and it closes this week.  Help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jay763]

Hi I read your post. It actually sounds like a good move for her to get her own place (considering the situation). Slow down and still be together. Being avoided never feels good BUT, work on your own emotional responses and it makes you a stronger person in any relationship. Being aggressive only makes things worse, so my advice is to let it all pass and focus on a hobby or whatever you like to do while being avoided. Maybe this is a chance for your relationship to have a reset. Maybe therapy can be brought up to help with a new foundation. When Borderlines get into relationships they are triggered. 

Hope this helps. I understand.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Chris-

Welcome to BPDfamily.  Seems to me you may have a real opportunity here to change the dynamic of your relationship, and how you BOTH feel about it and live it ... I hope you see that. 

From my read of what you’ve written, Your SO is asking you obtain guidance (therapy?) in order to help you take a “softer” approach with her.  Perhaps she’ll even join you eventually.  Have either of you sought therapy since you’ve been together?

You’re saying you can be an “aggressive jerk” when you feel someone is avoiding you.  No doubt her moving out has made you feel truly rejected (AND avoided).  And if she’s averse to conflict as you say, prior strong approaches toward closeness have not worked.

So what do you feel you can do to walk more softly toward your approach to her?   Highly sensitive people are sometimes better able to hear and put more faith in *whispers*; and become nearly “deaf” to anger and aggression.  And sex is likely out until she feels a closer connection with you.

I could definitely be wrong, by My take on her buying a home is that she may be afraid to rely on you.  She may feel that your behavior is becoming too controlling and isn’t good for her or you the way things stand *now*. 

There is ALWAYS room for growth and change, so I wouldn’t lose hope.

We’ve GOT to look at our own behaviors when we’re in these very complex relationships.  Again, it does seem that she is open.

Please stay with us.

You thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes