BPD or Verbal Abuse?

[GarnettT]

  Hello, I am a young female in a relationship with a BPD/narcissistic  man.  We have been together for 6 years and his behavior has progressively seemed to worsen in the past year.  He is extremely hurtful and seems to never have anything nice to say to me anymore.  I just finished reading a book that helps provide coping mechanisms for the non-BP, and it helped me understand his behavior more clearly.  But my question is this: at what point are these behaviors considered verbal abuse?  Now that I understand his thought process and why he acts the way he does/says the things he does, I know what it is that triggers him and to not take the things he says and does "personally".  So, do I withstand the behaviors and hurtful words and shrug them off as BPD?  Or is this verbal abuse?  After years of being in a serious relationship with this person, I'm still very much in love with him, but I've also become extremely down on myself.  I no longer partake in my hobbies, I pushed away all of my friends due to his extreme jealousy, I have virtually no self-esteem left, and I'm always walking on eggshells.  If only somebody could hear the words he says to me; then they would understand the reason for such low self-esteem.  He will say things that cut me to my core, tell me I'm nobody, and treat me poorly in public and in front of his teenage son.  Where do I draw the line and say "this isn't just attributed to his disorder; this is abuse and I should leave"?  Please share your experiences with me! I hope there is somebody out there who found the answer to this question because I need to know what is right and fixable and what is crossing the line.  Thank you to anyone out there willing to hear me!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are going through this. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It is verbal abuse. Maybe he also has a disorder, maybe not. Not everyone with BPD is also verbally abusive, but some people are, and your decision about what to do is based on the behaviors and your particular situation.

BPD is not a good excuse or reason for how someone treats you. Yes, it helps to understand what is going on with them and why they may have the behaviors but that doesn't mean these behaviors are acceptable.

I think the loss of a sense of self, self esteem, your own interests and friends is common in abusive relationships and also in a relationship with a disordered person.

One big step is to seek help- counseling. You have been with this man for 6 years and this has had an effect on your self esteem. Rather than look to him as how to fix this, I think it would help to start with you. A counselor will be able to listen to you, hear you, and validate your feelings while your partner has likely not been able to do this, for whatever reason. Please feel free to post here as I think you will find that others are experiencing similar situations.

[formflier]

I'm glad you found us because I think we can support you while you come to terms with this relationship.

Can you tell us more about the book you read?

I wonder if it would help you respond differently to the verbal abuse if instead of "I should leave.." you substituted "I should leave for the moment..."

One thing you may have read about in the book is that the extreme feelings that often drive the crazy things that come out of their mouth can be very transient.  Sometimes you can step away for a few minutes and then when you check back in, they appear to be in a completely different mood.

I hope you come back soon and post more.

Best,

FF