Both Mother and Daughter with BPD

[Elsie62]

Hello again, I recently posted about my daughter and the very unsuccessful week we had together here in France.  Since then for about a month, I haven't heard from her.  So this weekend I swallowed my pride and called her up on video.  She didn't pick up first off so I left it a few hours, and tried again.  She picked up, asked if there was a problem, to which I replied that no, I just wanted to catch up with her - keeping my tone light and friendly.  She simply replied that if there was an emergency to go via her brother, and not to contact her.  Stunned, I said, If that's what you want, and that was the end of the call.
So, she has definitely shut me out. 
The thing is, the more I look into BPD, and look into my issues over the years, and my behaviour since around 12, I can see these traits in me, although I think I've managed to work through them over the years I definitely have rage still, hypersensitivity towards any perceived criticism, 'jokes' towards me I don't understand and take seriously, so much so that I'm known not to have a sense of humour (I do) and a turbulent marriage (having had 2 previous failed relationships).  I tend to build a wall around me, and get really sarcastic towards people, and then blow up and fly at the person who's hurt me (normally my husband), as a defense to stop being hurt.
The problem is, whenever my daughter has her episodes, I find it hard to empathise or give any emotional support.  It's like I can't take her woes on when I've got enough of my own. I tend to give practical support if that makes sense, and I always have dealt with issues practically, but get that thrown back in my face.  So I get really hurt by her outbursts, as I'm not being the mum she wants, she then throws everything back about how bad a mum I've always been and we finish the call or row with us both really angry with each other, in tears and I'm in a panic, wanting to flee, wanting to swallow a pile of sleeping tablets, disappear...anything, I can't explain. 
I still don't know what to do.  I'm really upset she's now cut me off as she has 2 children whom I love dearly, and it breaks my heart to think I won't have a relationship with them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Elsie,
We parents ( especially mothers) oftentimes use the BPD silence as a time of gnawing on ourselves , ruminating over what we could/ should / would've done.  This is the long game with BPD that I really didn't ( still don't) get .  The grandmothers can chime in here as it is a heartbreak when the grands are involved.   It appears during this time you feel you may have unearthed some of your own patterns and habits as a response to previous interactions with your daughter .  That is our power right there- using this time of silence to work on and heal ourselves ,and possibly obtaining more help and building up our own network.  It is great that you have reached out to this forum.  Here is some reading that may help and let you know you are not alone
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281721.0

[Elsie62]

Thanks for replying Swimmy55.  I have read the link you placed and I've also shared some info with my husband about BPD traits and he seems to think I tick pretty much all of them.   He actually said my emotions are that of a 13yr old at times.  So I will look into this in more depth, the problem is living in France, my language skills aren't that proficient yet to talk to a psychotherapist in French!

As for my daughter, I made the mistake at the weekend of messaging her friend that I'm close to to ask what my grandson might like for his birthday.  That got back to my daughter and I got a message from her:

"Please stop contacting my friend. I need boundaries.
No one said you can't see the kids. You just haven't asked. Ask anything to do with me or my kids directly to me or to (brother or husband). Leave my friends alone. You can call (Grandson) on his birthday - I was anticipating this anyway. I'm sorry you don't know what to get him for his bday. Nothing I can do about that.
We can work out away you can have contact with (Grandchildren) but I need boundaries. And I don't want a relationship with you anymore apart from being a connection to the kids."

She went on to say I could speak to him Sunday, which I assumed would be yesterday.  But it wasn't.  She meant next Sunday the 5th.  I've been in tears since getting this message. I don't live in the UK so it's not like I can arrange to take the grandchildren to the park or anything, I'm reliant on video calls.  Also, if I fly to UK I have to quarantine, and can't meet up with anyone anyway.  With a 3yo who's got concentration of a 3yo, that video call could be all of 2 minutes with him before he wanders off.  I know it's better than nothing, but the pain...

I'm pretty sure she's talking to her psychiatrist/psychotherapist (not sure which she sees) as she's using the word 'boundaries' so seems fresh from a meeting.  I can only imagine the picture she's painting about me and how awful and abusive a mother I've been.

I lost my mum when I was in my 20s, I have an awful relationship with my daughter and now I'm in a situation where I may lose the closeness of my grandchildren, I don't even know if my granddaughter is walking yet.  The whole sense of being a family is gone for me...I feel real anger towards my daughter, I really, really want to rage at her, but know I can't.  I refuse to validate her about anything so I won't be sending little positive messages to her, I honestly have no wish to 'blow smoke up her backside' I'm so drained with all this.  She can completely control me now because of the children, which is seriously wrong.

Family life is so messed up, I hate this situation, it's been like this for over 15 years (actually probably 20 now) and it's exhausting. 

Sorry, I really need to let off steam...

[Swimmy55]

I am sorry about the pain you are in.  While I don't have a grandkid ( that I know of!) I can relate to the bitterness and grief of estrangement as my adult BPD son cut off all communication because I refused to give him $ ( he was/into substance abuse as well).

 The positives here are that you actually can see your grands , even if it is minutes at a time here and there.  But that is something.  Also, you can send stuff to the grands.  That is another plus.  I know it's not what you wanted, but these are ways "in" to having and growing a relationship with your grands.
 Do yourself a favor and try not to dwell on what your daughter may be saying to her therapist.  We are all bad in our BPD kid's stories, just accept that.  Also" What others think of me is none of my business" is a saying that helps .  At least she may be going to therapy , which is another possible plus.
I am divorced, my family has shrunk and I hear you about wanting a sense of family.  The pandemic is another layer of isolation.  I zoom, skype, text and call the few family members I have and the friends I have.  You also have this forum which  can serve as an addition to your network. Start with where you are at .  You are not alone here.

[Elsie62]

Thanks again Swimmy55.  Wise words and yes at least I do have a small link still to the grandchildren.  Apologies for my anger and ranting... I know there's many here in a worse boat than me x

[Swimmy55]

No apologies necessary at all. That is what we are here for...rant away if you have to!
I wasn't chastising you  in my last post and sorry if it came across that way.  What I was trying to do was keep focus on what little positive there is ( because that is something I don't do enough of , personally).  You most definitely have a right to your feelings and it is so heartbreaking when young grands are involved and you want to be a part of their life more so than a  quick video here or there.  Who knows, though, maybe in time the videos will come more often, the grands will request to talk to you more... you never know.