I don't know how to stop my husband from filing for divorce or if he will

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I am going through an especially hard time right now, as is my family.  This has happened many times before but seems to be really escalating right now. I think because I will not give in and take responsibility for his irrational  reactions and beliefs.  He is seriously threatening divorce and I believe that he will follow through with it.  I have been setting boundaries and taking time alone and giving him space but it seems to only be escalating.  I know that this is part of what goes on with his emotions and that he would escalate if I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He wants me to accept his blame of my children (his stepchildren) for how he feels and for negatively impacting our relationship.  He continues to try to convince me that I am mentally ill and that I am unable of having a healthy relationship. I really need support right now from others who have been through this. 
Thank you.

[magnolia44]

Hello,
I am going through an especially hard time right now, as is my family.  This has happened many times before but seems to be really escalating right now. I think because I will not give in and take responsibility for his irrational  reactions and beliefs.  He is seriously threatening divorce and I believe that he will follow through with it.  I have been setting boundaries and taking time alone and giving him space but it seems to only be escalating.  I know that this is part of what goes on with his emotions and that he would escalate if I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He wants me to accept his blame of my children (his stepchildren) for how he feels and for negatively impacting our relationship.  He continues to try to convince me that I am mentally ill and that I am unable of having a healthy relationship. I really need support right now from others who have been through this. 
Thank you.

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[GTK]

Hi magnolia44.

I'm new here as well, though my family has suffered with my wife's BPD for quite some time. The disorder truly perplexes me because I thrive and feel healthiest when there is peace, harmony and laughter in my life . . especially in my personal relationships. And it just seems my wife feels the best (most fulfilled) when she's sowing anger, acrimony and fights within our family . . . .almost like pouring "gasoline" on the personal conflict "fires" she's started is something to do for the day.

I've been reading as much BPD literature as I can over the last 3-5 years as my wife's conditions worsens and I think I've found these things out as it pertains to your situation.

BPD people are actually terrified of abandonment . . .being left. In a marital setting this would be getting divorced. I've read therefore, because these folks feel mostly "out of control" , they'll try tp seize some level of control by threatening their spouses with divorce, meaning "I'll do this to you before you do this to me!" If your husband is truly BPD, he'll feel unlovable, so to his mind . . .even though . . you married him (an expression of love) he won't feel worthy of it. Rather than exploring truly healthy ways to be a participant in loving relationships (hard, hard work) it's just easier to push the boundaries of folks who are SUPPOSED to love them (spouse, children) and try to obtain reassurances that they won't be left. The harder they push, through their horrific behaviors, and yet find themselves NOT abandoned, forgiven . . .they feel better. But that feeling only last for a small while, so they have to test their loved ones over, and over, again. In our 35 years of marriage, my wife has threatened me with divorce about 13,497 times and I've never threatened her. When she threatens me with divorce I always remind her that she is free to always contact an attorney and to start the process. I also remind her that I took my vows to her (and to God) very seriously and will never divorce her over disagreements. And I name the two or three things she could do that will push me to file (basically criminal acts). My hope is my reassurances to her will lessen her BPD behaviors but she needs much more intensive therapy to really have a shot at breaking free of her disorder, but I try to do my part anywhere I can . . .because I love her.

My wife doesn't try to convince me that I'm mentally ill (that sounds a little like gaslighting to me) she just lets me know, when in a rage episode (now occurring at least once a week) that I'm an absolutely horrible husband who's destroyed her life.

[myinnertorch]

Bless both of you and god speed in dealing with your SO's. 30 years...? Wow...I thought my sentence was long with going on 20 years.

All of these stories seem to have common threads:

We love
They test that love
They stretch that love until it is at the snapping point
They push the limits
They hurt us

And yet...for some untold reasons, we continue to see good in the darkest of times. We hold out hope that the person we fell in love is somewhere deep in them and maybe we will see them again.

But in my case and so many others on here, that person we fell in love with, that person we yearn to see is gone, buried under layers of delusion spun from their minds. Where we were once "white"...held in high regard, maybe on a pedestal, we have fallen from grace...and are now split into black and maybe even discarded. The person we fell in love with so long ago may lie dormant waiting to be revealed to another poor soul, who like us, will be drawn in by the love bombing and eventually like us, be discarded when they too will fall from grace.

I hate to be so pessimistic, it is not my nature, but the more I read these posts from others like me in these forums, the more I see the hurt, the confusion that is placed on us. Where do we stand? Can we stay together? I love her/him...the more I read, the more I wonder why we continue to put up with the raging, the splitting, the discarding...why do "WE" tolerate...accept and make huge emotional allowances to these people who behave with reckless abandon, reach into our chests and rip out our heart with nary a blink.

I just wonder...

I wish you both peace as you journey through these troubled, uncharted waters.

[GTK]

myinnertorch-  I wish you peace as well. And I, too, wonder. The love we show and keep offering to our spouses, even in the face of brutal emotional beatings . . .you HAVE to wonder. Why can't I get even a smidge of the love I'm showing them in return? Are we super-human champions of marriage vows (you know . . in sickness and in health) or merely just fools?

It does help me to now have fully adult daughters who thank me constantly for being the model of what spousal love is supposed to look like. They tell me that, in spite of the model shown to them by their mom . . .they feel, with MY model, that they'll have a chance to enter into and thrive in loving relationships of their own. That gives me strength to go on.

[magnolia44]

Thank you for the responses.  It's overwhelming for me to talk about or even think about.  I appreciate your support and willingness to share and am sorry that others of you are going through similar situations also.

[desperate.wife]

 

Hi, I am so sorry for your situation. I understand being overwhelmed.

Just wanted to ask. Why do you want to stop him from filing divorce? I mean, honestly, have you asked yourself, why? What do YOU want? Are you feeling good in this relationship? Is it what you dreamed of?Imagined? What needs to change, are you happy, are you ok, are you healthy? You can't stop him from anything, but you can ask yourself what do YOU want, where are you in your life: you got only one, concentrate on yourself.


Love,
D.W