Struggling to trust and navigate

[fig1128]

Good morning, all—

I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, who was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. We have been seeing each other romantically for a little less than a year. My bf has “quiet BPD” and turns inward and disassociates when he is triggered/having an episode.

Last weekend was my birthday—it was an important one, and he knew it. He’d planned an entire weekend getaway for us, but ultimately didn’t end up making it for a range of reasons. I was devastated. The catalyst of his not being initially delayed was legitimate—he fell and injured an appendage. But he very well could still have made my actual birthday, but simply didn’t. It seemed to be a combination of poor planning, feeling overwhelmed, procrastination, and not following through.

I am still feeling very sad about the birthday trip. It was going to be the longest stretch of time we’ve had with one another (5 days, as opposed to 2-3 days at a time). The most heartbreaking part is that the trust I had that he would never let me down in any significant way was shattered. There have been times when he hadn’t quite followed through or changed plans, and other disappointments, but nothing like this. I’d made very explicit very early that I’m not much for anniversaries and such, but my birthday is the one day a year that I have always been able to count on as a day where family, friends, or a partner takes care of me. And this was a year where I especially needed that.

My question is, how do you get past a breach of trust like this? I want to set boundaries that something like this can’t happen again, but I also don’t want to frame it in the form of an ultimatum or weaponize my love and commitment. But I also need to be able to trust that he won’t hurt me again like this.

Partners of people with BPD, how have you successfully set boundaries with your SO? What have you said and what was the result?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CountTo108]

Wow, that sounds like a serious bummer. He could have salvaged part of the celebration, but didn't. Perhaps it seemed like an "all or nothing" situation to him—if the injury wouldn't allow for the full event, then anything less might have felt wrong. (As you put it, he was overwhelmed.) That sounds like a pwBPD's thinking.

I'm wondering about your comment that you want to have trust he will "never let [you] down in any significant way." Never? Even people without BPD fall short. My rules are "no violence, no white powder drugs." Either one is an immediate, automatic end to the relationship. Other than that—you're entitled to a few screw-ups if you show me you've learned from them, and extend the same grace to me.

Since you've been together less than a year, might it be worth offering him a template for how you would have preferred he act? And a chance (with specific suggestions) on how he can make this major devastation up to you?

[Kaufmann]

Hi fig1128,

I'm sorry. That hurts. I've been there myself. Most of us on this site have been there.

I'm going to be blunt. I think you have to lower your expectations. If he has BPD, then he has a very serious mental illness. You have to try to not take things personally. Yes, he has some personal responsibility, but it's also the case that he's sick. When something triggers him, he has extreme, intense emotional reactions, the likes of which you and I can hardly imagine.

If you want to be in a relationship with him, then you have to tell yourself that things might not ever get better, he most likely will not improve. If you want to be in a relationship, then you have to be willing to go through very tough times. You can learn strategies to make your life better. I strongly recommend the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder." But at times, nothing you do can make a difference. You'll try to be perfect, and even then, sometimes he's going to rage on you or disassociate.

Is this relationship worth fighting for? That's something that you'll need to answer. If you decide that it is, then for the sake of your own sanity, you'll need to be willing to settle for some very bad times.

[rjjr1963]

  My rules are "no violence, no white powder drugs." Either one is an immediate, automatic end to the relationship. Other than that—you're entitled to a few screw-ups if you show me you've learned from them, and extend the same grace to me.

How badly does marijuana effect someone with BPD?  My BPD girlfriend uses when were apart and thinks it's no big deal.