Fiance Left Me (Picking up the Pieces)

[Capt Zach]

This post is as much for myself as the possible advice I might receive. I've followed this forum for many years and it has been helpful and I appreciate all of the support that so many freely offer. I also understand the general consensus here is that these relationships are mostly hopeless. I hope this post isn't too long winded.

I was recently discarded by my fiance of close to a year, we were together 5 years total. It was only a month before our wedding day. She herself was pushing ahead at full force, paying the lawyers, setting it up, the sights, arrangements etc. I felt pretty confident it was going to happen given how hard she was pushing for it. I'm having a hard time dealing with this and I'm getting sucked into pointless communications with her.

For a little background, I was with my ex for 3 years before our first breakup. I would describe her a having BPD traits, but on the milder side in many ways. She never exhibited many of the more outlandish behaviors I've read about here. She was willing to attend therapy and take medications. We briefly tried to live together the first year, which went poorly. There wasn't enough time to search for the place we wanted so for about 4 months we shared her tiny studio apartment. To be fair, a lot of people probably couldn't share a place like this, but it was also becoming clear she had deeper emotional problems, and I began to read about BPD.

The relationship at the point of our first breakup was genuinely bad for me. My ex was starting to resent me for " ruining her life" and "wasting her time" by delaying marrying her and starting a family. She was in a stressful job and had stopped attending therapy. I work in a creative profession without great or easy long term financial prospects and that was also held against me. I genuinely felt trapped by guilt as I had stayed with her for several years knowing I couldn't commit further to her unless she worked on being a healthier partner, and she wasn't getting any younger.

One day while being intimate she told me to "put a baby in her" and I said no. She broke up with me that same hour. I went NC with her after having a hurtful post breakup talk, where she told me we were "never going to get married or have a family" plus I was "never going to make her happy with my lack of ambition or career success."

Her words about my career got to me and I put a lot of energy into trying to make progress, to prove something to her. About 3 months after the breakup I got a text from her, at exactly the right time when I was missing her. I remember I was all alone, camping, reading about partners coming back on this forum. I invited her to hang out and while she resisted at first, convinced her the breakup was impulsive and made no sense.

Fast forward another year I proposed with the caveat that I hoped a concrete commitment would inspire her to really invest in making our relationship better. She attended DBT for 6 months, paid in full herself and did the work. I give her credit for this and there were some results, she seemed more self aware. Although our relationship was better, it wasn't great, and I had a lot of anxiety still about her level of commitment to getting better. I was trying to accept what we had for what is was and things were a lot less toxic. I had a lot less patience for abusive behavior and would tell her she needed to do better. However the proposal and wedding events seemed to ramp up the pressure and she became more demanding and a lot of her problems were getting dumped on us again.

Covid wasn't kind to us or her mental health. She seemed to start questioning a lot of things and I think was considering leaving me. However she went full steam into wedding planning. This was stressing us both out and I didn't feel she was respecting my requests to slow down at all. Everything had to happen a certain day this fall. Originally pre covid we had a plan to for a fancy wedding, which we postponed. The new wedding was a decision on her part with about a month's notice. We also had to start conceiving as soon as possible. I went to stay with her in the same tiny apt. as I had been out of our city awhile during the lockdowns and didn't want to use public transit. We were both stressed and she seemed extra volatile, so we didn't get along that well.

I made the "mistake" while babymaking, of stressing that I didn't feel fully ready, wishing my career was better off ideally before we did it, but not having time left to wait if she was going to have a natural child. Within a day, I was dumped, engagement over, all wedding plans cancelled. She went out and got the morning after pill and made a show of taking it in front of me. All of the money she spent was lost. After I left she said she was confused, needed space and we haven't spoken now for several weeks. We've texted, and she says that she can't marry me because those crappy two weeks in her apartment are proof we cant live together, she cant promise me our marriage will last. Our relationship is unhealthy she says. She wants to move on, date other people, live on her own and no longer loves me.

I knew what I was doing here and the risks, and that there were problems, but I'm still devastated. I know people will say she did me a favor and I dodged a bullet. I know intellectually my career isn't great right now for a kid and she would probably not be a great mom, but I still wanted to give her that. I wanted to believe that we could make it work. I know from self work and therapy that I don't have a lot of confidence or feel very attractive to the opposite sex. I did find her needyness reassuring.

I also know that I have codependent/caretaker traits, plus some toxic things I've picked up from my family. As a kid, I was bullied, was diagnosed with autism, and didn't do well with women. I'm also short and balding (realtionship didnt help). I'm not successful at my career which is very hard to earn a living in. She reinforced my belief that women will not find a man in my place in his late 30's attractive. My family has their own issues and they have worked hard to try to keep me dependent on them into my 30's but that's another story. I know I was full of myself and stubborn enough to think I could manage her issues and come out ahead, plus controlling.

I did genuinely love this woman in many ways. I'll also be honest, I feel stuck on her because I found her physical traits absolutely stunning. When we were broken up I didn't feel like I could find a woman of her physical type again, or that it would be fair to any women to make it a prerequisite. I've given her five years of my life and now I'm almost 40. I was fully invested in her white picket fence fantasy of a life we were having together, now I'm back to square one. As I've gone through my 30's I've found my low quality of life bohemian lifestyle in the big city to be less and less rewarding and was getting fully on board with a push from her to move out, buy a house, start a family.

I do know that I can be patient loving sensitive and understanding, and offer positives in a relationship. My ex made a huge amount of progress in her life, especially her professional career in part with my support and cheerleading. I'm not sure where I should go from here. My therapist I was seeing for several years seemed to lose faith in her ability to help after I got back with my ex. Covid makes everything so much worse. I haven't been able to bring myself to start NC again and let go.

[Hidden Dragon]

Hi Captn,

(*pls excuse my not native english)

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.  You are not alone, my situation was somehow similar. My ex fiancee was probably a bit more crazy than yours. I am 40 now, and yes the story about getting pregnant was also very familiar to me.
So, I said you lost something and this is true. She had some qualities which you loved and she did things that are gone. I understand the sex thing very good too. The thing is you have to integrate that she has two sides as a the coin or better said many facettes. You possibly love an ideal that doesnt exist.
Other thing which I suppose is low self esteem on your side. I understand it very well two, I personally have such "problem". Thinking that I will not be able to get such girl out there again. The thing to remember is, that she isnt really such girl. This ideal is a fragmented part of her. She wasnt THAT good as you think...
Another point, where I probably will be not of much help, but I can conclude: I too thought much about her BPD, waiting for her to get better etc. At the same time I forgot that I shall work on myself and mainly just live the life and the relationship. I think it is the lesson for the future, start living your life, being present and in the present etc.
One year has passed after my breakup. 9 months after I found I she is already married and supposedly pregnant. I am not really jealous about it, I know that the guy will suffer. As beautiful the past was I think that the future together was not possible and worth it. I keep the past in a closed box and try to move on as hard as I can. I work on myself and slowly work on accepting the harsh harsh truths about me, that I am not so perfect as I thought I am. BUT this time I put the very most available resources in me, in my life and in my future not in some endless sink which is someones PD. Part of the process is the grief, your loss. But still as hard as it is, and as harsh with BPD flavour, this is still life. This is what millions of people experience and go through. The lesson for me that I must start working on myself.
A small trick I use if I think too much about her part (which is obvious): even if the rs wasnt over, you would also had to start working on yourself. In your case it may be not only or really your career. You said you probably have autism. I have adhd. So for me learning how to cope with my deficits is my part of work.
I like to think how beautiful the past was, which is now closed in a sealed box. I know that it wasnt 100% real, it was partly a dream. It was very real then in the past or better said in the fragments of the past. I try to put real effort to work toward better me and maybe a better stronger relationship in the future. For me definitely with someone else.

I wish all the best on YOUR journey Capt'n!