Validating my partner And setting boundaries

[Oneschizoangel]

I’m new to this forum.
I have been with my fiancé for a year. We were unaware of his diagnosis when we met. We had talked at length about a partnership and what we might want from it. I had been in a previous bad relationship and had let some years go by before attempting another relationship. So I was pretty clear on what I wanted.
I kind of feel like the sky has fallen l, given the diagnosis. I read all these things online about how to validate your partners feelings. I feel like when I’m reading them that I need to prepare for a lifetime of not having my own feelings be validated.
Early on I felt a true lack of boundaries between him and certain women in his life. So I was very clear about what I wanted. A relationship that did not include each one of us having emotional relationships with others of the opposite sex. He has constantly trampled this boundary and consistently accuses me of not allowing him to be his true self. His true self apparently includes phone calls from women who consistently need him to listen to their problems or fix them.
Every time the boundaries get trampled I speak and it’s not appreciated. I get that but the alternative is to allow him to be in a relationship with me that has no boundaries.
Am I to prepare for a lifetime of devaluation and having my boundaries broken as often as he chooses?

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[Babblingbrook]

I am hearing how hard it is to be with your fiancé when he provides emotional support to other women. What does he say when you confront him about his behavior and tell him how you feel?

He says that you aren’t letting him be his true self sounds familiar. That or the devaluing. BPDs devalue themselves so sometimes they can’t give you the self-respect and appreciation you deserve because they don’t know how to honor themselves. Sometimes their sense of self- worth comes from external sources like maybe, for your fiancé, being the guy who women can come to for emotional support.

I advise you to honor yourself and your gut. Having friends is one thing; being on call to help women in need is another entirely.

I also want to ask you if you think he might be unfaithful. You’ve been with him a year and you’re engaged. That’s a serious commitment. Just be careful. My partner has BPD and he has cheated on me multiple times behind my back. I walked in on him with another person once when I forgot something at our apartment and came back to get it. The behavior continued even after couples counseling and me saying it wasn’t okay, even into my pregnancy with my first child. I am ashamed to admit that because honestly, I shouldn’t have been with some body or had a child with somebody who would do that to me behind my back. I am grateful I have my beautiful child, but you have to be sure you are getting your needs met and that you are truly appreciated for you, not just the fiancée he can come home to when things are rough.

For him, those flings are a way of releasing tension and self-soothing, and also were about power and control. It wasn’t emotional so much as it was a way of experiencing fantasy. You’ll find that many BPDs have affairs or flings or complicated relationships with others you can’t wrap your head around. Be careful!

So it may be that he just has friends who need help, but you need to be sure you have boundaries that really are firm and keep you safe from harm. Sometimes when we can help others, it gives us a sense of worth. BPDs have a broken sense of self, so I wonder if he feels more valuable or affirmed when he can help out these friends. Or it may be he is not being upfront with you and those women help him out more than he helps them or he wants to let on. Ask him. Ask him or here’s the test: have you ever had an outing where you hang out with him and one of these friends? Is that something he would be willing to do? Casually mention having a get together with him and his female friends and see how he responds.

Just food for thought, take it or leave it, but be careful. I got my heart broken many times and now the trust is so broken I don’t know if I can ever forgive him or trust he won’t go behind my back when his needs aren’t met. He gave me excuses. He even said that he was helping someone else with his needs.He said I was not accepting his sexuality, but that wasn’t the issue because I am bisexual and I wasn’t having affairs.He was being polyamorous and I was being monogamous and we had entered our relationship on the same page where I thought we had both committed to monogamy, but then it was clearly not a mutual agreement. Something to consider...how serious is he? He may say you’re the one, but look closely at his actions.

Actions speak louder than words. It’s cliche but true. If you feel like you’re not getting your needs met, then you probably aren’t. If you don’t want him to be too close to other women, say so. Tell him how it hurts you and how it seems to distract him and you from connecting and being involved in problem solving together. That you want to spend time talking together and being heard.

If he can’t do that, or complains, or he resists you having a social outing where you can spend time with these female friends— if there isn’t the possibility of them being mutual friends or acquaintances, then I might wonder if he isn’t being transparent.

Then again, I had an ex who had a girlfriend he would hang out with. I felt jealous until I learned she had a crush on his friend and was married! This ex had lots of girlfriends. I would feel jealous at first but here’s the thing: this ex would bend over backwards for me. He would call me at every minute. He would go out of his way to make me feel special. He would listen to me whenever. Btw I also met these girlfriends and all was fine. They were coworkers or they were mutual friends of another friend. They weren’t calling him and he wasn’t defensive when I asked about them. He was transparent. And he didn’t have BPD.

I hope that helps. Take it or leave it but don’t marry a guy until he shows you that he is in it for the long haul and is open to your needs and transparent.

[Oneschizoangel]

That makes a lot of sense. I agree that my needs need to be met in a relationship and I struggled so hard to be heard. The more I read about bdp the more hopeless it appeared that my needs would be met in this relationship. The female thing I could understand but I see that boundaries are never set and they blow up his phone when in crisis. Not only does it cause discord, he then tells them that I have a problem with it and they still call. I suspect this is because he paints me as the bad guy, instead of setting boundaries he Says he can’t help anymore because of me. I find this to be highly disrespectful since I’m not holding him at gunpoint in this relationship. If he feels that he can’t contribute to the relationship anymore and that I’m somehow holding him back he is free to go. I believe I stepped in as a helper to many times and now he finds it hard to leave my help and protection.
I appreciate your candor and sharing your experience. The realization of bpd can be very overwhelming.

[once removed]

The realization of bpd can be very overwhelming.

it can be.

and you should go into this relationship with eyes wide open, as far as "what it takes", and understand that it may never be an "equal" relationship.

that said, few (if any) of us enter into our relationships with the skills and knowledge needed, and we often make things worse. there can be a lot of room for improvement.

the short version is that if you are talking about committing to marriage, its pretty important that independent values and interdependent values are (still) compatible. you will need to determine if his relationships with other women are something you are prepared to accept and live with, or a deal breaker; dont bet the farm on it changing, it may not.

was he recently diagnosed? what led up to the diagnosis?

[Oneschizoangel]

It’s my understanding that he has had it undiagnosed for years but was diagnosed shortly after we met. We did have the usual intense quick start. We had a great deal in common and were committed to having a loving solid relationship that would be an equal partnership. I had been in a previous abusive relationship and took time to work on self awareness. Equal doesn’t mean we contribute the same things but that we both contribute energy that way nobody is burnt out. Since we became engaged the women who need rescued have increased and the inability to function in everyday tasks has become overwhelming. I am quickly becoming burnt out. When I try to communicate it evolves into a fight and after reading all the posts and info online I’m seeing that I may never have an equal partnership nor be validated in keeping my boundaries. I do love him very much but I am definitely taking a new look at this and it’s been very hard to look at him the same knowing this information.