BPD ex girlfriend moved on quickly

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

how are you doing today, andy?

[once removed]

how are you doing today, andy?

[BlueSpring]

Hi Andy,
Sorry I haven't been around for a few days.  I'm having issues with my ex too.  She's back with some guy she was with last summer.  She threw out a guy who came across country to live with her.  He stayed with her for 6 weeks before that blew up, and now she's got this other guy back.  I'll post it all on a new thread.

I know you're hurting, and I just want to say how sorry I am.  I hope things get better for you.  If your ex is really BPD, I'm pretty sure this new thing won't work out for her either.  I think the only people who can put up with that kind of behavior are people who have no self-esteem to begin with, and they don't believe they deserve better, or people who are plotting to take advantage.   If you're neither, then staying with her will just suck the life out of you.  I mean, would you really be better off with her?  You would spend your life denying yourself and walking on eggshells.  Even then, she would still turn on you.

I hope things get better for you soon.

[Andy1963]

So ive had a tough few days
I git really stupid, posting things on FB, messaging her etc
Just losing the plot
Ive tried in the last few days to make sense of everything
Her moving on so quickly really hurt more than i ever imagined
Even though i knew it was inevitable
She replied to my drunken message tonight, apologising but still deflecting for the reasons we split
Friends and family have been lately which is wonderful
Regret after regret though , need to stop looking back

[once removed]

i know how hard this is.

lean on your support system.

an ex romantic partner, as the source of our pain, is just not in a position to help us heal.

and youre kicking yourself for reaching out to her.

Ive tried in the last few days to make sense of everything
Her moving on so quickly really hurt more than i ever imagined

post the questions and the things youre working through. there are members that are walking, or have walked in your shoes, and can help you make sense of things. i was with my ex for three years, and she jumped into a new relationship immediately, too 

[Andy1963]

Theres no doubt that the most difficult thing is her new relationship
It completely dilutes everything we had for 3 years
We 'broke up' so many times during the 3 years but it never felt like it was truly over,
Every time she reached out and i was there, hoping she had realised the error of her ways and  she would apologise and tell me i didnt deserve what she had said or done
Im reading lots about how her actions were actually the truth and that the words meant nothing
That hurts also as i feel like a complete idiot for believing and putting so much energy and emotion into something that wasnt real
Ive never felt so alone in my life

[Beth2468]

Theres no doubt that the most difficult thing is her new relationship
It completely dilutes everything we had for 3 years
We 'broke up' so many times during the 3 years but it never felt like it was truly over,
Every time she reached out and i was there, hoping she had realised the error of her ways and  she would apologise and tell me i didnt deserve what she had said or done
Im reading lots about how her actions were actually the truth and that the words meant nothing
That hurts also as i feel like a complete idiot for believing and putting so much energy and emotion into something that wasnt real
Ive never felt so alone in my life

Hi Andy
I am sorry that you are feeling alone. Please know that you are not alone, we are here with you, and you will get through this.

Her actions were the truth - that's one of my mantras and I needed to read it today.
You are not an idiot for believing what she said, people with BPD are very skilled at saying exactly the right things and the attention and good times are addictive. You are a kind, decent person who tried to have a relationship that would develop and strengthen over time as you helped each other grow. You just happened to meet someone who is disordered and not capable of personal growth.  Please don't be too hard on yourself, this relationship was a lesson, not a life sentence, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

On the subject of actions being the truth and words meaning nothing.  What I tell myself is that his actions were/are the truth (since he left, and when we were together) and that is why it is best that the r/s has ended. However, during the idealisation phase/s I think he meant it when he said he would love me forever, this was the happiest he'd ever felt etc. - he meant it at the time, as much as an emotionally immature person can mean it. I'm not sure if that helps you or not, but it has helped me.

[Andy1963]

I had to communicate with her last night as she has something belonging to me that I want back
But it was brief and no talk of us
But im on a real emotional roller coaster
Today I have been up and down
Trying to focus on the fact that I'm definitely better off out of the relationship
It was truly toxic
Way more bad than good
That helps until the reality of never seeing her again hits home and it hurts like hell

[legalboxers]

@andy1963
Im in the same boat, trying not to message her again but I may do it just out of my own lack of control

[LighthousePoint]

@andy1963
Im in the same boat, trying not to message her again but I may do it just out of my own lack of control

Been there for sure. Let us know if you need some support.

[Goosey]

Your human.
Your hurt and reached out.
  No response is what I got when I felt down and reached out.
   Get some sleep regroup for another day.
  I have had people (therapists, sponsors, etc) Kinda scold me and say “you keep talking about HER, I want to hear about you. 
 You’ll get to the you stage at some point when that statement sinks in.
  I catch myself (kinda ) now when I think about her and my thoughts start spiraling. I’ll say to myself “like she is thinking about me at all, this is stupid”.
It seemed selfish at first , though we all need to feel good about ourselves first. (I am about half way through that concept).
  Take care of “you”.
And give yourself a break for the missteps. Everyone is human.
 

[crushedagain]

I think the hardest part for me also was reconciling how a woman could shower me with so much love and praise, telling me she'd never leave me, and end up doing just that without so much as a care in the world after sleeping in my bed for two years straight and almost velcro-ing herself to my side. I don't think all of it was fake, I just think their emotions are so fragile that they can go from idealization to devaluation in the blink of an eye. That old "it's a thin line between love and hate" thing. There wasn't even an event that I can remember that caused her to leave. I don't think she even knows why. I think she made a rash decision and realized she messed it all up.

[Andy1963]

Thats the thing that im struggling to reconcile
My feelings were 100% real, through time and with her constant abuse it started to chip away at my resolve and commitment,  but i still completely love her
Im actually in physical pain every day at the moment,  wishing she would communicate with me but knowing that its best that she doesnt
I am trying so hard to not think about her and the times we spent together
It helps sometimes to focus on the many times she made me feel like absolute crap as it brings me back to the frequent times i said to myself  'get out of this'
Yet i kept accepting her apologies,  her brief periods of remorse and making up to me.
I know that whoever she is with now will be at the point i was 3 years ago, thinking she is amazing, beautiful and charismatic,  i wonder how long before she turns on him, because she will
For the first 6 weeks of our relationship i believed i had met the girl of my dreams.
But suddenly,  one night, completely out of the blue, she showed her true colours, gaslighting,  verbally abusing me, i was completely gobsmacked as it was completely without reason and made no sense
I should have a walked away then, i should have walked away many many times, but kept going back, ive actually lost count of the times this happened
I just need the pain to stop to allow me to move on properly

[once removed]

My feelings were 100% real,

no doubt. mine were too.

and i would suggest that the feelings of my ex and yours, were 100% real too.

would you believe me if i tell you that one year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, your feelings wont be the same? the promises you made, the expressions of love that you gave, will not mean the same things to you as they did at the time.

feelings grow, and they fade. they expand and they shrink. they make room for new information and experience, or they close it off.

its the same for our ex romantic partners, but its two different human beings, on a different time line, experiencing different things, and all the more so when your partner has traits of bpd. all the more so when there are multiple breakup/makeup cycles in a relationship. that was hard for me to get my mind around. it was hard for me to swallow.

I just need the pain to stop to allow me to move on properly

i said the same thing.

what i didnt realize at the time is that pain is a necessary part of grief.

you move through it. you dont make it go away, and then begin to move.

i know that isnt of any comfort right now, and believe me when i say i know how painful this can be. what im saying is that the pain really does serve a purpose. the more you are able to face it, head on, the less impact it has, the more it dissipates, and the stronger you become.

[Andy1963]

Ok
Big mistake today
She messaged me saying she wanted to speak to me
All my instincts said i shouldn't but i did
I knew before we even met that she wanted to let me know she'd moved on with someone else
How the hell is telling me that meant to help me?
I already knew, i even had guessed correctly who it was
How completely crazy is she to think that telling me was a kind thing to do
She said she didnt want me finding out from someone else
I have no contact with her circle of so that was unlikely
Why the hell did i go...feeling completely messed up right now

[BDR]

your conversations are so familiar - I know its hard but the erratic and neurotic behavior was there long before you even knew them. Think about being in a long term relationship 15 or more years with your girlfriend  like many are on this site ,then waking up one day to see how much of those years you spent on a relationship that has been one sided all those years and will never have true intimacy. Once you finally get some space and clear the fog and the cobwebs of a very dysfunctional relationship you will find peace. I sleep very well now after 4 months of separation from a 20 year marriage in which the last 2 years were full of some terrible things that she did against our marriage .   I will not go back to that life and I chose to move forward and I am able to talk to my wife  - but I have to deal with her like  child. A kind word will go much further than anger , rage and bitterness - but you must work through it.

[Andy1963]

I knew before meeting her this was her plan
Im angry with myself for not sticking to my guns
I was in a good place and was starting to feel better
This has set me back massively
Im reading a lot about object constancy which was clearly a big element for us with her
Also its now very clear im a codependent enabler
So I am going to have to work very hard on that issue for myself

[BlueSpring]

I have to agree with grumpydonut.  Don't message.  My ex has me on the deep freeze right now, and I tried to message her a few times to no avail.  She has me blocked.  And she has put me in a very bad position financially by reneging on a deal she made with me.  I'm not going to feed either her BPD needs nor his NPD ego.  To Hell with both of them.

I've decided that I have to force myself to move on.  She has broken my heart beyond belief, she's involved with a predatory Narcissist, and her health is failing.  There's nothing I can do, and I just have to learn to live with all of this.

Eventually enough time will pass for all of us.  We'll heal, but it's strange how much healing hurts until it's complete.

[Andy1963]

Hi
I was hoping to get some thoughts on withdrawal symptoms
I'm really struggling with a number of physical issues right now, a constant ache in my chest, palpitations constantly, extreme bouts of crying without warning
A thought about her will come into my head and I just lose all control
I'm so worried that these feelings are overwhelming me and how do I control them
Also I'm really not sleeping as I'm constantly thinking about everything, wondering what she is doing, wondering if she is showering the new guy with the love and idolisation that used to be mine
I know this is bad thinking, need some direction before I go crazy

[crushedagain]

Andy, I can assure you it will get better. I had some horrific physical symptoms after she left me. Sleeping in the bed alone after having her next to me for 2 years was a nightmare for a while. I would wake up in the middle of a night terror, in a full panic, jumping out of bed and trying to catch my breath. I had terrible heart palpitations and was trembling with anxiety. Some nights I couldn't even fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning. The bed was no longer comfortable, and it felt like a chore to try to sleep. In hindsight, I wish I would have sought a counselor to work through what was going on.

Insofar as wondering what she's doing with a new guy, it's best to try to put those thoughts out of your mind. You know what kind of person she is. I imagined what my ex was doing at times, but that wasn't what really derailed me. The loss itself was the painful part, knowing that I could never go back to her after she left. I am not somebody who reaches out or tries to woo somebody back. I have realized after almost 3 years of no contact that she's not the kind of woman I want or need. Somebody who runs into the arms of another so quickly? Gross.

[Goosey]

Sent my long gone spouse a birthday greeting email last night.
Just “happy birthday” “hope your well”.
  Last year I sent her flowers after being assaulted hahah.
And then for a response got a scathing voicemail that the flowers “died”.
 I mean why bother reaching out.  I still shake my head at the flowers dying comment. I mean like really? 
  I’m still thinking of her every day though. She was powerful. Gonna take a long time to feel grounded again.
  Actually really busy work wise and have a job offer to mull over.
  Think I’ll stay independent contractor and politely decline. I need my quiet time to get myself mentally better. 
  Longest I have been alone in 40 years.
Not so awful.

[BlueSpring]

Hi Andy,
I can relate on the withdrawal, the heart palpitations, insomnia, and crying jags.  I have them all.  And I keep thinking about her with that Narcissist.  I go from sad to hate in 0 to 60.

I had to call out for work tonight because the heart palpitations are causing lightheadedness.  I have a prescription tranquilizer for that.  But I've been through a lot of discussions with my doctor about this and other anxiety problems I have.  I wouldn't recommend medication unless you talk to a doctor in depth about everything. 

A therapist once recommended journaling, and I found that helpful in the past.  If you honestly write down everything, you can look back and see the relationship for what it was.  I'm going to start doing that tonight.  As you write it down and then read back through your own thoughts and feelings, you can get clarity about how things really were.

As for thoughts about the other guy, remember that pwBPD have unstable relationships, and the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  In other words, he's going to get exactly what you got.  Since my ex left me, she's destroyed one guy, and she's working on the next.  This latest one is a lying, grandiose Narcissist, so he'll hang on for a bit longer until she splits and blows up on him.  She can say some very cutting things, and when she exposes him as a phony, he'll snap too.  He'll cheat, he'll become cold, or he'll just leave.  And she'll go berserk with abandonment issues.  It's all going be a giant mess, and I'll be far away.

So remember, that a pwBPD won't have a stable relationship without committing to therapy.

I didn't mean to dump that on you.  I was just trying to help you feel better.  Try the journaling.   

[Andy1963]

Thankyou all for your input,  its really invaluable
I have had a realy up and down day with waves of emotion
But the thing I keep trying to focus on us how many times I felt that I needed out of the relationship
Everyone around me is saying how bad she was for me
I absolutely know she'll do exactly the same with the new guy because its her nature
I was sorely tempted to go speak to the ex before me to ask of he has the same experience but I already know the answer
She has such a history of chaos,  in fact that was what chipped away at me eventually and made me pull away  which precipitated the breakup
So I know ultimately im better off now

[Andy1963]

Ive spent time trying to understand the nature of our constant breakups and recycling
Its become so clear to me that so many times when she pushed me a way and became verbally aggressive with me was in moments or peiods when things seemed to be calm, loving and really good
I would often say to her at these moments,  'We were in such a lovely place, why did you do that?'
Key for me here is the fact that at these times i was constantly walking on eggshells as i had learnt that this was the most delicate time for us
I wanted the loveliness to continue, but clearly there was nothing i could do in these circumstances as her abandonment issues would become heightened at these times.
Because those moments were so good and powerful it overwhelmed her and her bpd instincts kicked in
Such a shame, as there were times it was beautiful

[once removed]

I would often say to her at these moments,  'We were in such a lovely place, why did you do that?'

what sort of things happened?

it might help to talk more about it.

[Andy1963]

We went away on a trip to London one time, on our first day we went for a walk, had lunch, then went and booked tickets for a show
We went back to our hotel, had the most amazing sex, then fell asleep.
When i woke i realised we had less then an hour to shower , get ready and get to the theatre
So we quickly got showered, dressed and made our way quickly down to the street to walk to the theatre which was about 20 min walk
We had literally just begun walking when she said ' you didnt tell me i looked lovely?'
I looked at her quizzically and said, ' sorry sweetheart,  we were in such a rush, of course you look amazing '
That was the switch flicked
She began to verbally abuse me, saying all men are the same, all they want is sex and they dont give a PLEASE READ about anything. That all i wanted her for was sex and she wanted to go home
This carried on until the interval of the show
At one point she told me to go away and leave  her there,  which i would never have done
During the interval we barely spoke, she then said, im flying home tomorrow,  you can stay
I just looked at her in disbelief but didnt reply.
Then back in for the show
Suddenly she put her hand on mine and looked at me mouthing, 'im sorry,'
The show ended we went for a meal, i looked at her over the table and asked her what had caused that, we were having such a lovely time?
She  said, 'it comes over me like a wave and i cant control it'
I then promised to help her if she was prepared to seek help
She agreed, but after a few therapy sessions she went into denial and episodes like that happened many many times
I could give countless examples similar, times when her rage was uncontrollable,  the look in her eyes at these times was frightening
I actually said she had two personalities,  i even gave her angry personality a name , Martha
Martha could never be reasoned with, it was impossible to get her to see sense. All i could do was back off until Martha went away
Then the apologies, the remorse
But very quickly the whole event was completely forgotten
I walked away so many times vowing never to return
But i kept going back...

[Andy1963]

I realise through reading a lot about this condition that these episodes are examples of 'splitting '
Her black and white thinking was so clear always
It was one of the things she was open about
I did try to understand the condition
But she would never stay on the treatment path so no matter how hard i tried it was always going to be futile

[myinnertorch]

Andy

Welcome to the "house of pain"...it's like walking through a house of mirrors at the carnival trying to make sense of her distorted reality, discarding, splitting and every other term you can think of to describe the behavior of one with BPD.

My wife uBPD wife of 18 years is not much different than the character you describe. She has discarded me and in her world I am black as the darkest night. I am working out of state and the only contact she has with me is through texting now. She will text about household stuff that requires my attention and then when I think we are done, she follows up with a last "punch to the gut" text about "when am I going to file for divorce?" "When will I take over some of the household matters as we further disentangle from eachother?" WTF...
Why can't she just text and leave things be?

I genuinely feel your Yo-Yo of emotions, the temptation to reach out to her, knowing the outcome will not be good...the hollowness...the deep pain as if someone just plunged a dagger in your heart. It's all very hurtful and they will not help you work through it. They won't help you understand, they won't explain why they do what they do...maybe they don't know themselves either.

I wish you comfort, solace and that you gain back some hope. An old friend told me a long time ago after a relationship ended for me...he said "next year all of this will be a distant memory"...I wish this for you and for all of us.

Hang in there and leave her be. Don't give her the power.

[crushedagain]

Your trip to London and her behavior reminds me of times with my ex. Once I took her to the ocean and she was acting cold, distant and upset the whole time. When I finally tried to get to the bottom of it she said it was because "you didn't hold my hand." This is a woman who would oftentimes disappear when we were in the same store shopping together. She was always off wandering on her own, yet I wasn't a mind-reader and didn't hold her hand once so she ruined the whole trip.

I remember another time I took her to a nice lunch and planned a walk on a long trail. I asked the waitress if the trail was accessible from the parking lot or if we'd have to drive. The waitress said we'd have to drive across the interstate because there was no way to reach it on foot. We got in the car and she pitched a fit. It was so bad I finally said "we're going home, I'm not walking today." She sulked in the car the entire time and I finally stopped at a beautiful public garden and asked if she'd like to take a walk. We did and after that she apologized and thanked me. She was like a pouting child.

[once removed]

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