Reflections on 37 days NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all, I just wanted to share some things that have helped me get through this past month.  First, NC has been a lifesaver.  When I'm tempted to contact him, I remember how far I've come, and don't want to start NC all over again.

I am not ready to completely block him (and keep him blocked) and I hear from him every few days.  I am always immediately tempted to respond but have made a rule for myself:  wait 24 hours before even considering a response.  Each and every time, by the next day I don't feel the need to respond anymore and am able to see the reality of the situation again.  It hasn't been easy -- especially when he says things like "I just want to thank you for giving me a life that I didn't deserve.  You are an amazing woman and I will always will be here for you if you need anything".

I miss him immensely and some days are better than others.  Generally though, I am in a much better place mentally than I was a month ago.  The shock and anxiety has worn off.  I am getting used to being alone and recognizing the positives of not having to answer to anyone or participate in any drama.  I admit to liking getting his messages.  It feels good to know that he/someone wants me.  I know it's keeping me connected to him, but that's where I'm at right now.

[Jillery]

Hello all, I just wanted to share some things that have helped me get through this past month.  First, NC has been a lifesaver.  When I'm tempted to contact him, I remember how far I've come, and don't want to start NC all over again.

I am not ready to completely block him (and keep him blocked) and I hear from him every few days.  I am always immediately tempted to respond but have made a rule for myself:  wait 24 hours before even considering a response.  Each and every time, by the next day I don't feel the need to respond anymore and am able to see the reality of the situation again.  It hasn't been easy -- especially when he says things like "I just want to thank you for giving me a life that I didn't deserve.  You are an amazing woman and I will always will be here for you if you need anything".

I miss him immensely and some days are better than others.  Generally though, I am in a much better place mentally than I was a month ago.  The shock and anxiety has worn off.  I am getting used to being alone and recognizing the positives of not having to answer to anyone or participate in any drama.  I admit to liking getting his messages.  It feels good to know that he/someone wants me.  I know it's keeping me connected to him, but that's where I'm at right now.

[dindin]

I'm glad you're taking steps to help you detach.

I am not ready to completely block him (and keep him blocked) and I hear from him every few days.  I am always immediately tempted to respond but have made a rule for myself:  wait 24 hours before even considering a response.

But I have to say this: this is not n/c. This is limited contact at best and at worst a reverse hoo vering on your part if you are allowing messages to come and consider responding.

[Jillery]

Wow, @dindin.  That was pretty harsh.  Maybe I'm being defensive, but it feels like you just crapped all over my progress.  I haven't and don't plan on responding to him.  Ever.  I am using NC for me, not to get a reaction out of him.  I know that I need to block him to be completely free but I'm not there yet.  The fact that I've spent 37 days not being sucked back in is an accomplishment for me.  Perhaps you should consider the tone of your responses before you hit "post".

[FindingMe2011]

When I'm tempted to contact him, I remember how far I've come, and don't want to start NC all over again.

I remember doing this and putting myself in a worse spot. Sometimes we need to touch the stove a few times to remember its hot. Good for you. Todays Jillery looking out for tomorrows Jillery.


I am not ready to completely block him (and keep him blocked) and I hear from him every few days.

If I did the social media thing. I would say not responding is N/C... If the messages passed set boundaries, then maybe a block is necessary?

I am using NC for me, not to get a reaction out of him.  I know that I need to block him to be completely free but I'm not there yet.

How does a block represent freedom ? Just curious. Chances are better than not, the illness wont be able to continue, to take rejection. It will find a new host.
,
I haven't and don't plan on responding to him.  Ever.

I told myself I wouldnt respond for a year. Actually told her this in my final email. The year turned into 8-9 running. Ive acknowledged her a few times through the years.

The fact that I've spent 37 days not being sucked back in is an accomplishment for me. 

Each and every time, by the next day I don't feel the need to respond anymore and am able to see the reality of the situation again.  It hasn't been easy -- especially when he says things like "I just want to thank you for giving me a life that I didn't deserve.  You are an amazing woman and I will always will be here for you if you need anything".

Interesting... the victim, then the rescuer... The guilt trip and your biggest fan, all wrapped up in one...The 24 hr plan appears to be helping.


It feels good to know that he/someone wants me.  I know it's keeping me connected to him, but that's where I'm at right now.

Loving from a distance, without contact, (been there) much better than being in the middle of chaos... letting go is a process. The more I processed in a healthy way, the more I realized it was the kind and forgiving thing to do for the both of us. Yet it didnt feel this way at times.

That was pretty harsh.  Maybe I'm being defensive, but it feels like you just crapped all over my progress.

Another good example of feelings, not equating to facts... Looking forward to hearing about the next 37 days of NC. I wish you well, Peace

[Jillery]

Thank you for your kind and supportive words, @FindingMe2011.  To me, that is what this board should be about.  Support, not criticism.

How does a block represent freedom ? Just curious. Chances are better than not, the illness wont be able to continue, to take rejection. It will find a new host.

If I block him, it will mean freedom for me.  My guess is that there are already other hosts but that he will keep trying to contact me.  Just as he continues to try to contact his previous gf before me.

Loving from a distance, without contact, (been there) much better than being in the middle of chaos... letting go is a process. The more I processed in a healthy way, the more I realized it was the kind and forgiving thing to do for the both of us. Yet it didnt feel this way at times.

Thank you for this.  It certainly doesn't feel kind all the time, but it does feel like the right thing to do.  Thank you for reminding me that it is indeed a process.

[MariannaR]

Hello Jillery,
I just stumbled upon your post and wanted to offer my support for your length of time going no-contact and hope that it is still helping you detach and grow.  Not responding is an amazing accomplishment and gift to yourself and your growth, and I feel happy you're doing it in a way that works for you!  Your post stuck out to me because I am in a very similar situation.  I need to not be in contact, but for various reasons a complete block doesn't feel right to me at this time.  I compromised by blocking text for now (as I get sucked into responding that way), but leaving other avenues as-is.  Everyone has to do this the way that works.  Wishing you all the best as you navigate this difficult situation.

[Jillery]

Thank you so much, @MariannaR.  I haven't checked the boards in a while and just happened to look now and saw your kind message.  It really means a lot to me.  I'm sorry that you've been through what we've all been through in these relationships, but glad to see you are taking steps to move forward. 

I continue NC and he's now been blocked completely for almost 2 weeks.  His messages became more and more frequent, more irratic and still no accountability.  The last straw was a voicemail where he said "I'm sorry.  I love you.  But I'm not gonna stop.  I'm not gonna stop calling or texting you until you reply to me."  When he realized he was blocked he started messaging my best friend.  He told her how he distraught he was etc., and ended with the proclamation that he was planning to propose to me and even purchased a ring.   Of course this is yet another lie.  I asked my friend to block him and she did.   

It gets easier with each day.  At first the silence was very hard and lonely.  But now I relish it.  I often reflect how peaceful my days are now.  I still miss the good parts of him but truly feel that I am slowly getting past this.  I'm so glad and honestly so proud of myself for having come this far.

I wish you all the best.  Keep on doing what you're doing.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us.

[MariannaR]

Good for you for taking care of yourself in this way and congrats on 2 weeks of NC.  That is not an easy thing to do and you have come a long way.  It sounds like you're able to see through lies and manipulation and care for yourself in this situation.  I get that about missing the good parts.  The good parts are what drew us to these people in our lives and kept us there, and it's OK to miss and grieve those things.  I'm so glad you're finding peace in your days, and I am so thankful that you have such a wonderful best friend who will have your back like this!  Wishing continued peace for you.

[B53]

Thanks for story,
I feel like I am heading in the same direction as you and your story is comforting. I feel I have been detaching for awhile even before he left. I am at the quiet loneliness stage. I believe that there has to come a sense of relief knowing the drama is over.