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Author Topic: Breaking 4 Months of no Contact: Reflections  (Read 204 times)
red leaf

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 8


« on: October 09, 2020, 02:42:44 PM »

It's been a while since I've last posted something on this platform. My ex BPD partner left me in February 2020. No need to say that our 5-year long relationship had been extremely turbulent. We kept texting and calling each other during the following months, and we also 'met' straight after the end of the lockdown. To cut it short, I decided to go no contact when I found out that he started a brand new relationship the following week. Actually, he was the one who told me, and of course, he did it in the coldest, cruellest way possible.

I called him a couple of weeks ago...out of despair. Let's say the memory of our relationship is just one of my current issues, and it's probably the less 'concrete' one. What he told me did not shock me, but surely left me with a sense of bitterness. He recently broke up with this other girl, yet another 'saviour' and 'love of his life'. He has been drinking, smoking, and spending money heavily. I was tempted to go back to my do-gooder script. I struggled, and cried for hours after doing it...but in the end, I just said 'I'm sorry for you, but you are free to make your own choices'. I haven't heard from him since.

Now...things have changed in my life, maybe less significantly than I expected.  I met a bunch of new people but decided not to get involved in any new stable relationships. It took time, but I slowly came to realise how supportive my friends are. Most importantly, I started therapy. I'm aware that I'm far from recovering. Nevertheless, it was essential - no matter how painful - to deal with my own toxic behavioural patterns. I am broken, I have always been, and my BPD partner was the answers to that...and kept being so, regardless of his instability. Indeed, I needed the instability, the drama, the overblown promises. I needed all of this in order to be left with little or no time to face my well-rooted codependency issues.

What I am trying to say is that so far, looking into the reasons for my love addiction has been helping me far more than just labelling my partner as mentally ill. He sure is, and I spent years trying to help him and get him into therapy. However (and that was terrible to realise) I was not doing it just out of love. I needed him as much as he needed me. He still craves for love, help, affection. That's what I do as well, deep down...but I have a chance to consciously deal with my love addiction, and escape a vicious cycle that I kept calling true and irreplaceable love.

Wish me luck, I wish you all a good recovery and a happy life.
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Ragdolllover

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken-up
Posts: 19


« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2020, 06:06:00 AM »

This is very brave, well done.

I have not long broken up with my BPD ex, we had been together 6 months and he had just come out of a long term relationship (8 years I think).

So I have experience of being “the other woman”. It’s horrible isn’t it.

In my experience, he told me that she was abusive, mentally and physically, never supported him, did lots of ‘crazy’ things... now I am thinking this is probably mostly in his head. I wonder if she was supportive and loving and was looking at me in disbelief that I ‘stole’ her love...

I hope not.

I am also coming to terms, like you, that perhaps my personality was part of the problem. My addiction to his love... I don’t think we were quite codependent yet - there wasn’t enough time really, but my ego is now shattered.

He told me he wanted to go back to his ex and it hit me like a brick wall... the realisation that I was just this rebound to him.

You’re right. The love feels true and irreplaceable. I think it is. But maybe that’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean no other love will be true. And maybe being irreplaceable is a good thing.

We can hope that our next love is a more mature and stable love developed with mutually emotional available individuals.

Good luck.
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6065


« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2020, 01:40:30 PM »

Excerpt
Indeed, I needed the instability, the drama, the overblown promises. I needed all of this in order to be left with little or no time to face my well-rooted codependency issues.

Hey red leaf, Well said.  Took me a long time to figure out that my care-taking was unhealthy because it gave me an excuse to avoid my own issues, while allowing my Ex to shirk responsibility for her own issues.  It's confusing, because care-taking feels noble on the surface, but in reality often leads to unhealthy co-dependency for both care giver and care recipient.

Sounds like you are on the right path.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
red leaf

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 8


« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2020, 11:46:21 AM »



In my experience, he told me that she was abusive, mentally and physically, never supported him, did lots of ‘crazy’ things... now I am thinking this is probably mostly in his head. I wonder if she was supportive and loving and was looking at me in disbelief that I ‘stole’ her love...

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this painful experience. Before starting our long-term relationship, my ex BPD partner had just broken up with his "other significant other". He would spend hours telling me how abusive, possessive, controlling and violent his ex girlfriend had been, and how greatful he was for having found me. Five years later, I had become the monster he needed to be rescued from. I sometimes find myself wondering how one person can be so fragile and so ruthless at the same time. But then...it doesn't matter, I guess. Rebund, not rebund, long-term, short-term...this things might make sense to us, the non-BPD partners. However, they glorify and paint people black according to how accepted and loved they feel in that precise moment. To put it short: nobody's safe, most certainly not even his current partner! It's up to us, and we'd better not indulge their mood swings.

I wish you a good recovery. Be kind to yourself.

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red leaf

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2020, 12:06:08 PM »

Hey red leaf, Well said.  Took me a long time to figure out that my care-taking was unhealthy because it gave me an excuse to avoid my own issues, while allowing my Ex to shirk responsibility for her own issues.  It's confusing, because care-taking feels noble on the surface, but in reality often leads to unhealthy co-dependency for both care giver and care recipient.


Exactly! Both of us had an excuse not to look into our problems. As "saviours", at first nothing seems to hurt more than acknowledging our "failure". However, I'd say nothing hurts more than understanding that even the noblest intentions were the symptoms of hidden fears and traumas. How good is it to lable our ex BPD partners as 'crazy' and to self-proclaim ourselves 'victims'? But no...we actively contributed to the suffering and toxicity. It's hard though, especially when you've deliberately decided to ignore your own needs for such a long time.

Thank you for you message!
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6065


« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2020, 02:14:21 PM »

Hello again, red leaf, You're welcome!  I broke the spell by parting ways with my BPDxW, and it sounds like you are on your way to doing the same.  It is hard to give up one's "do-gooder script," as you put it, yet it finally dawned on me that I wasn't helping the situation.  In any event, I doubt my BPDxW really wanted to be saved.  In my case, detaching involved hitting bottom, which was not fun, yet now that I've been through the BPD crucible, I have come to see that it leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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