Our 22 year old daughter holds our Granddaughter hostage from us when she has an

[es1113]

Hello, my name is Susan, we have a beautiful 22 year old daughter, our nightmare with her started very young, with many of the exact reasons posted about BPD, UNFORTUNATELY LIKE ALL OF US, WE NEVER GOT A DIAGNOSIS UNTIL SHE WAS 18, if we’d only known sooner, how better all of our lives could have been. She’d done it all, cutting, suicide 5-6 times, you know the outline. She got Pregnant at 20 with a boy we didn’t care for, and soon she agreed and left him, like so many times before, she moved back home. We’ve bought her so many cars, including the newest one a month ago.bought her every  Thing, which we know now was a huge mistake, so over the course of the past few years she has calmed down, no severe blow ups, but now we’ve had several, worst thing is now she keeps us from seeing our granddaughter, weLoveour daughter so much, most of the time she and I are so close, but when she gets mad, it’s usually so insignificant, and she turns to such hateful txt messages, this last being the worse yet. I’ve asked her? Why does it have to go this way? Why can’t we have a disagreement and talk, and move on? That’s when I came back here, it’s been a while since I been here. The first post I read was exactly like my story! That’s when the lightbulb went off, we are not a separate situation, we  are just like the other millions of mother & daughter BPD relationships, ( not to exclude men) put like I read, my husband is just collateral.hats when I realized all of my faults in this, yes, I have my own issues I’ve worked on from very young, OCD, DEPRESSION, PTSD. I know I’ve wanted better for herself than mylife, and I she how I do say things that to her put her down, she’ll never be good enough and so on. I always have the best intentions but it doesn’t come across to her. I’ve been reading everything from the BPD site I know I can be a better mother, although I tell her all the time how much I love her and proud of her, buy 1 invalidation, takes 10 good ones away.now my problem is trying to get to her to answer a phone, txt or email. I feel like a new person, I want to tell her too, that we can work this out and be better, she has finally started to take her medicine, hopefully forever. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi
If it is of any comfort, many psychs wait until the age of 18 when  the child is no longer a minor to diagnose with BPD or any personality disorder. .  This is due to the fact the teen aged brain / hormone fluctuations, etc affect mood and behavior as well.

It is particularly frustrating when grands are involved.  Others with grandkids can respond better than I can. Here are previous posts from other grandmas that you can read through.  Not saying you will never see your grand daughter again, but while your daughter figures herself out you don't have to be her victim .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330734.msg13014371

I know you want to get her to answer you, but she will not until she feels ready/ wants to.  Gently I say to you your daughter knows you love her deep down.  She is taking meds, meaning she is seeing a psych, so that is excellent news. My suggestion on how to proceed is baby steps, allowing your daughter her space , and you  turning your attention to yourself.  Her illness is not your fault.  This is extremely hard , but please work on letting go of your guilt( we as parents have this in spades).

[es1113]

Thank you for your input,  feel so strong in informing parents aboutBPD, IFwe had known that was a disorder we could have done so many things different. I don’t agree with Psychiatric Dr etc,keeping this disorder kept under wraps until 18, I am happy to say that my daughter called me, I explained to her I had been re reading BPD DISORDER and I can see ALL of my actions that hurt her, I really got a lightbulb moment! Last night our daughter came over to celebrate my birthday, great food, and wine. All 3 of us talked openly about BPD, and our actions as well as hers, she is taking meds, just recently and is scheduled a telehealth appointment time, it’s A  start. I believe the more open we talk about her feelings and ours we can be a better family. I have a lot a work to not say what  I think too quickly,she is so excited I finally realized the hurt I caused her for years.ive always believed I was a great mother, I bought her everything, but I would judge her on many things that emotionally crushed her inside for years. I am so grateful for this group and all the information! I’m not sure I would of seen the light if not for this information. We all have work to do, but with every day we could be happy. I love how it’s said, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

[Swimmy55]

This is indeed good news- wishing you continued family healing. 
Write in here as you have need.

[Huat]

Hi Es1113

I read your first post and so much of what you wrote resonated with me.  I smile now as I read your last one and I join Swimmy55 in wishing you continued family healing.  Hopefully you will keep sharing news of your journey.

One comment you wrote..."I've always believed I was a great mother"...then soon followed there was a "but...".  Well, Es1113, you were...and are... a great mother!  You've done the best you knew how to do...and your post reveals that you are open to doing better when your knowledge expands. 

Here is to better and better days ahead.

Huat

[es1113]

Thank you for your kind words, and encouragement!

[formflier]

Thanks for passing along the good news.

Use this "good time" to steady yourself and keep learning about how the disorder often plays out in different situations.  Perhaps that will help reduce reactivity in the future.

Best,

FF