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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: I need help help dealing with the trauma bond(first post)  (Read 183 times)
SSEN
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 2


« on: October 10, 2020, 01:58:29 PM »

We met in an anonymous website, that website is mostly for people to have intellectual conversations, dating is forbidden, i met her last year around mid November, i wasn't expecting to feel so engaged with this person but without noticing we were spending in average 5 hours per day talking. Around December, we started flirting a lot, it was inevitable to catch feelings for each other, we were both aware this could be infatuation, but we kept going and breaking the rules, until i told her i wanted to be with her. By this time she was already sending me pics not nudes just some provocative pics.

Once i told her i wanted to be with her, she said there was something she needed to tell me, she said she was married.
I was very frustrated i couldn't believe i was all this time flirting with a married woman, the next day we talked about this, and she told me she lied, she was not married, but she was living with her boyfriend who purposed to marry.

I did what i thought it was the best thing to do in that situation, i told her i could not keep talking to her, i gave her 1 week to decide her future. After week without talking, she told me she broke with him and assured me it had nothing to do with me.

After that the love-bombing started, we changed numbers around the end of December, i got her WhatsApp, and then we started video calling everyday, as you can guess we flirted over video, it was question of time till we end up getting naked over video, our chemistry was on point, but we had such desire to be together she couldn't handle anymore.

She booked a trip to my country and rented an apartment to be with me(im 31 i started university now, so I'm sharing house with other people, she is 32 and a psychiatrist she ended her residency 2 years ago), the trip was schedule to the beginnings of march, during that time we talked about our meting countless times, she even cancelled her travel here for reasons i still don't know, but at the end she came, we were together for 1 week, we mostly stayed at the flat, but she was not the person i was expecting. She was depressed, meting me felt like she made a mistake, yet we had a good time together. I was holding my feelings till she came, i wanted to tell her i loved her in person and that was a big big mistake.

When i told her i loved her she said,"no you don't love me", she said she didnt love me. Im sparing a lot of details here, because in our early conversations she said she loved me. Anyway in the last day i took her to the airport, and we said goodbye. When she arrived home she sent me a text saying she had good time,"it was awkward but sweet", that was more or less her text.

We kept talking for 1 month but then things started to fall, she asked me to patient because she was feeling depressive and anxious, instead of 5 hours per day we were talking 1 time per week, it was mostly me having the initiative to video call , but she was not sharing her personal life with me anymore, i could feel she was changing, our video calls was mostly watching a movie together, and then she went to sleep.

I was getting so tired of this, i decided to have a serious conversation with her. It was a Friday, i sent her a text to talk, and she said, she was busy. Next day i sent another text and the same thing happened. It was Sunday and instead of sending her a text i decided to call her. She refused the call and text me saying, "We talk tomorrow and i will explain all your doubts".

We did a video call, and she bluntly told me we should stop communicating, i was already suspecting something was going on, so asked her, who was in her house in the weekend. She looked at me for brief moments and told me her ex bf, she started crying and told me she missed him. We talked for more half an hour till she told me crying again she would miss me. That was the last time we have spoken.
I sent her a long text i read here in the bipolarReddit, it was mostly trying to tell her i understood how she felt and what she was going through, i told her i saw she went to the website where we met and that i remember our good times. She read the message and didn't reply.


Now i look at this and i feel worthless, it makes me feel like it was just my turn to be manipulated, i cant understand how someone who despite being bipolar is a psychiatrist and can't be honest, she keeps falling for the same routine over and over, i dont know if she just lost feelings for me or if it was one of her cycles i end up getting caught.

But now comes the best part, 5 months has gone since i sent her the text, i went to the same website, i met a guy there, he told me he was having some problems with a woman, and i tried to help him, i had this feeling in my gut it was her, short story yes it was her, and he was astonishing just like me because what comes now its unbelievable, yesterday we talked on the phone, he told me they met as well in November, but they were only friends in January, they did video calls as well, and yes nudes and so on, she did the same with him the only difference was that she only meet with me, but he told me she said she loved him and never for once she said she loved me. After she left me in April she went back to her bf he confirmed , he told me the week she was with me in my country they talked on the phone, there was one day she asked me to go home.he had all the registers, and he told me she called him at 5 of march precisely the day i went home.

I talked with her a few days ago after a long time NC, my first question was did you ever cheated on me, she said no,i asked again, did you ever cheated with someone on the site we meet, she said no,i mention the guy name, she stayed silent for literally 10 sec
, and then she started saying she didn't own me anything(i asked for exclusivity), we were not in a relationship, she was basically gaslighting me, telling me what was the point of the conversation what i wanted with this and to move on. After 2 days she sent me a text telling me how she felt regret, trying to explain what she has done blaming her disorder, i tried to remain calm and asked to talk by voice, she told me she was busy, she had a lot of appointments in her job and when she has more free time she lets me know. Yesterday i i noticed she blocked me in WhatsApp. Despite she was the one hurting me, making fool of me, cheating manipulating and no remorse, she is still the one blocking me after all i have done for this person. I read at least 5 books about borderlines, but the one that most make sense so far was psychopath free, her actions are far more damaging than what a borderline is capable of doing, i refuse to believe she has online borderline disorder at the very least she must be comorbid, but that now is the least of my worries, i come here for help and guidance because i have to be honest with myself, i cannot deal with this alone.
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SSEN
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 2


« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2020, 06:32:12 AM »

I'm fairly new to this forum, i was recommended to come here to vent about this particular problem that only a few people would understand. I can understand my grammar is not the better and this autocorrect messed-up with my texting(I cannot edit), but is there a real reason for a community like this to leave me on read in my first post? I came here for a little of compassion and experience from people who walked the same roadblocks but instead i leave even more depressed and anxious for writing such a personal rant, to feel left behind like i don't matter at all and i have to walk in this misery by myself.
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Helen53

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2020, 11:00:04 AM »

Hi SSEN
I’m sorry you have been so hurt by this woman. She sounds pretty toxic and it sounds as if you are better off out of it but it does hurt hugely.
I have found effective healing comes with trying to recognise the pain of rejection, focussing on me and my needs and trying to break the chain of obsessive rumination that I live with 24 hours a day.
Reading other people’s experiences is also helpful. It is helping to realise that this is real, it really happened to me and I’m not alone.
Hoping you find some moments of peace over the next few days xx
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