Wondering if if the heartbreak will ever end

[Helen53]

My spouse is no longer able to live with me due to paranoid thoughts. I am heartbroken. It’s so difficult to believe that the relationship is over when I know his beliefs about me are untrue. I can’t stop thinking that maybe one day he will ‘recover’ from this black and white thinking. He remembers the good times fondly but is now frozen, living in isolation. My head tells me to walk away. I have started divorce proceedings, so confirming his paranoia(!). It is over and yet it’s not; will never be because he is not at rest with himself; he reaches out periodically in moments of distress to me or other friends and family, describing his paranoid thoughts but also expressing warmth or contrition. How can I break free from the enmeshment and heal? How can I help my children make sense of their father’s behaviour? How can I make sure he gets the support he needs without staying endlessly involved? Will the pain lessen? Will I ever be able to sleep through a whole night without repeatedly waking and ruminating about what went wrong?

[Hurting badly]

oh hun. I feel your pain
So incredibly hard to accept the false reality, the gaslight has become to all intents and purposes, the final say. No closure at all. So very possible he will return to normality at any moment. So hard to move on when logic tells you this.

The pain of being perceived by someone you love as dangerous and evil, when you have done everything in your powers to support and give them space is torture. When you still love them, and you know somewhere inside they still love you and the person you are desperately missing still exists but is obscured by the illness .

My ex would, suddenly become afraid that I would smash up his things( I've not ever been vaguely violent) Was hatching a long term plot to financially enslave him and take his house ( I own my own home?) and sometimes would shield his lovely cat from me because he thought i would hurt it etc etc .

I think there is no way to sheild your kids from the bizarre truth. Hopefully they are old enough to read materials you give them explaining the symptoms and you can talk it through with them.

And you. Counselling, friends, activities and let yourself grieve . There is no shame in feeling deeply traumatised by this. Its desperately sad. One year later I am beginning to feel like i am recovered...
Hugs to you. Xx

[Helen53]

@Hurting Badly
Thank you for your kindness. You summed it up so well. I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better one year on. I am 9 months in and the divorce is going through; the court date for decree nisae came through today.
Your comments validate my feelings and my process; I tell myself every day that this will end eventually but sometimes it’s hard to believe my own voice. Your voice has encouraged me. I do have good friends and a good therapist, I am learning new skills at work. The kids have been amazing.
I can do this. xxx