Getting your mind back after a fight

[Hope4Joy]

New here. After my spouse picks a fight where I get blamed for everything but I hold my tongue as to not escalate things, it really gets me in a hopeless headspace. What strategies help to get back to normal mindset? Allow you to fulfill the rest of life’s responsibilities? Help you to go back to the next interaction with your spouse with some scrap of positivity? I have a lot to look at in this site yet, but thank you, thank you for your support, and expect more questions

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Thrice2k3]

When this happens to me... if it's especially bad - I typically need a little bit to "lick my wounds" so to speak and recover. Unfortunately, I tend to go quiet and withdrawn a bit... which I know can be viewed as feeding the departure feelings that BPDs are usually dealing with. But I just need that time to recover... and I own that becuase it's for me... my self care.

But with regards to getting back to life's responsibilities... I find that doing things... just starting to do things... giving a chore just 5 minutes, to try and build some momentum, works a lot of the time. Quite often I'll end up going past the 5 minutes because I've effectively taken back control of my mind and focused it on the task at hand. It isn't easy... but it's how I've managed to do it.

I hope that was helpful...

[Hope4Joy]

Thank you for your reply. I like the idea of having a manageable goal. Doing relatively short tasks at home isn’t as bad as sitting in my office environment trying to focus on work rather than my home life. I will think about how to apply this.

[start_again]

New here. After my spouse picks a fight where I get blamed for everything but I hold my tongue as to not escalate things, it really gets me in a hopeless headspace. What strategies help to get back to normal mindset? Allow you to fulfill the rest of life’s responsibilities? Help you to go back to the next interaction with your spouse with some scrap of positivity? I have a lot to look at in this site yet, but thank you, thank you for your support, and expect more questions

I can identify with the hopeless headspace.  What I try to do is change the channel in my head and not dwell on the craziness…   I try to change my thoughts from negative to positive.  Friends, friends and more friends along with activates without my SO helps.  I try to savor the moments with my friends and try not to burden them with the difficulties I have at home. 
Acceptance of my SO having BPD traits helps me.  I can only change myself and how I respond to the madness.  I try not to engage when the false accusations fly, I do not have to defend myself.  Defuse the situation, savor the moment when defusing works, acknowledge a win.
For me the next interaction with my SO  is usually like the past craziness never happened, I leave the door open for discussion, however if the craziness starts up I will not engage in it… 
If I start feeling sorry for myself, having resentments, or being angry about the craziness is like me drinking poison and expecting it to work on someone else.  Not a good spot to be in.
Do well at work, join a club or gym.  Get out and do stuff for yourself.  This site has helped me to do that and has changed my outlook.

[Hope4Joy]

Start_again
Thank you for your reply. I have a hard time keeping everything to myself, although I have not shared the full (ridiculous) details of my relationship with anyone. I know it isn’t right for a few reasons, unless with a therapist which I don’t think will ever be an option. I’ll be doing more research to work through this. Thank you.

[start_again]

Why is a therapist not an option?

I am involved in support groups that help me immensely in dealing with my behaviors and responses. 

[Hope4Joy]

I’ve suggested therapy for years. My spouse does not believe in it for either of us. What kind of support groups are you in?

[start_again]

I am a member of AA...

NAMI Family Support Group might be an option for you

[Miriam88]

Deep Breath.
Turn on some music that fills your space with positive energy.
I have a few friends that I lean on, but I try not to tax them too much. Sometimes I write my feelings down. At other times I say a mantra to myself:
"I am strong, I am sane, no one can steal my reality"
More often I tell myself, it may a bit too much for you- " You are love and light, you are connected to the universe, noone can robe you of your light or disconnect you from you source of strength. "
It is so hard sometimes. Sometimes things I want done don't get done and I have to find kindness and forgiveness for myself.
I recently took up hiking and find that just being in nature soothes, restores me and gives me a chance to reflect.

I hope things get better for you.