He finally shared all his secrets

[Miriam88]

My husband took a road trip after spending the weekend in a psych ward while training for work in another state. He told me that he wanted to separate about ten months ago, before he left for training. I was not able to accept this because it seemed to come out of no where. We were both very busy with lots of obligations and I blamed myself for letting us drift apart. It was only when he was hospitalized that I understood there was more to our situation. It was my sister who has worked as a paraprofessional with people with various diagnosises that first mentioned that my husband's angry outbursts and erratic behavior  seemed like BPD. I had never heard of BPD. When I found out about it, I realized that he has all the risk factors and his behaviors and experiences line up with the diagnostic criteria in the DSM.
He got home a few days ago from what he told me was his break from me to "nothing". I tried to talk to him about his trip. I was positive and tried not to blame him for his lack of communication, but he wanted to remind me that he asked to separate 10 months ago. Out of heartbreak, I handed him the poems I had written in his absence. I wrote about my pain and difficulty finding a way to accept his request for separation. His response to my poems was to cry and shout at me, "you are right about everything you said about me" I had told him after his hospitalization that I suspect he has BPD. He said that he believes he has it, that he is very sick and thinks daily about ending his life.  What followed was heartbreaking. Not only did he wreck his car while driving off road during his trip, but he also admitted to visiting happy ending massage parlors compulsively for the past ten months. I had suspected him of having a homosexual relationship with a male friend. When I told him this he denied it, but admitted that he had been molested by a male family member when he was a child, and doing the same to a younger sibling. I think his molestation is connected to the happy ending massages he became addicted to. He is so full of shame and seems completely lost.
He has used a number of euphemisms for suicide, "tap out", "wave the white flag", "bite the bullet", it seems like I can barely speak to him without him mentioning the difficulty he is having. I am afraid for him and for myself. I don't know who to reach out to nor do I know how to help him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hope4Joy]

I’m just here to say I’m am terribly sorry for everything you both have been through. I wish I had more to help you but I am at the needing help stage myself.

[Miriam88]

I’m just here to say I’m am terribly sorry for everything you both have been through. I wish I had more to help you but I am at the needing help stage myself.

Thanks Hope4Joy.
I am feeling a bit more optimistic. He went back to work and seems to be in better spirits.
He also met with his therapist and let me know that she scheduled him for a second appointment later this week. We both know that she doesn't specialize in BPD, but I know he does want to change. I explained to him what I learned about healing BPD and he said that he would rather die than explore his childhood wounds, but I think that over time he may build the courage to do so. Even though he cheated on me and had behavior that was so difficult to deal with, I hear him acknowledging his issues and wanting to be accountable. I am going to start going over bills with him and have access to all the credit cards. He seems to be ready to give up control, he even now claims that it was never his intention to be controlling, which I believe because he never said the things I felt so I think that the manifestation of his control was subconscious, for example he never told me not to look at his computer, I just understood that he would be angry if I did. So in a sense I gave him the control without him verbalizing.
Right now, I see him being brave, but like he said, "when will the other shoe drop?".
What can we do but try to manifest love and healing while holding close the boundaries that protect us?
I hope we all find joy.