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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: When does the pain stop?  (Read 134 times)
Ragdolllover

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken-up
Posts: 19


« on: October 13, 2020, 07:16:28 AM »

Hi all, I've posted before about my relationship break-up, but I think I'm finally ready to move over into the 'detaching' group over the 'resolving' group...

My relationship with my ex was incredibly intense and intimate, as I think we all experience. I was completely intoxicated by him and would have stood by him for as long as I could, I truly loved him.

When we separated I was devastated, but we agreed to stay in contact to make sure each other was ok. He told me he reached out to his GP for help.

His communication with me has been slowly dwindling, and I've been trying to respect his space more and message him less. I last messaged him on Saturday, just asking how he was, he said "I'm okay." And that's it. Today I noticed he has blocked me everywhere, on WhatsApp, Twitter and phone/messaging. I am even more devastated, and just at the point where I feel so hurt and cut up by this, that only a month ago I was the centre of his world with him telling me he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, planning our future, me thinking I've found "the one" and being so incredibly happy... To then him discarding me so easily and not even giving me the respect of telling me why he is blocking me or warning me about it. Do I really mean so little to him?!

I messaged him on my work phone a kind of final message to say how hurt I am that he has blocked me. His reply, "I'm sorry, I need to move on. I wish you all the best, but I can't do this."

My emotions feel overwhelming now... Why is this so hard to let go? Does it get easier?

Luckily, I have my first counselling session online tonight. I hope that helps.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2020, 05:56:07 PM »

Hi all, I've posted before about my relationship break-up, but I think I'm finally ready to move over into the 'detaching' group over the 'resolving' group...

Polar opposite views. What has brought the change of heart, so to speak?

When we separated I was devastated, but we agreed to stay in contact to make sure each other was ok. He told me he reached out to his GP for help.

Whats a GP?  ............ So was this separation mutual?........ Staying in contact will promote hope vs uncertainty....... The more hope, the less uncertainty..........The more uncertainty, the less hope.... This would be a version of the hamster wheel of pain. There is no resolution.

My relationship with my ex was incredibly intense and intimate, as I think we all experience. I was completely intoxicated by him and would have stood by him for as long as I could, I truly loved him.

Ive had a few BPD traited relationships.....Intensity can sometimes become confused with intimacy. The illness dictates that intimacy fear pushes abandonment fear and the cycle begins. Actually nothing to do with you. its an equal opportunity offender.

To then him discarding me so easily and not even giving me the respect of telling me why he is blocking me or warning me about it. Do I really mean so little to him?!

Its actually an over valuation. Those with BPD, mirror their partners. Many times,  if the partner has narcissistic traits (many on here) they fall in love with themselves, so to speak. it will last as long as one has the ability, to be emotionally responsible for 2. This is impossible and the dysfunctional dance typically comes to an end.

I messaged him on my work phone a kind of final message to say how hurt I am that he has blocked me. His reply, "I'm sorry, I need to move on. I wish you all the best, but I can't do this."

My emotions feel overwhelming now..


Actually a mature response................. For me it was narcissistic injury. BPD ex moved on. My issues were just beginning. Now I see this as the beginning of my journey.

Why is this so hard to let go?

Your abandonment fears.

Does it get easier?

Luckily, I have my first counselling session online tonight. I hope that helps.


It sure cant hurt and good for you. Its a great place to start and understanding your own issues should give you some insight. Let us know how counseling goes. I wish you well, Peace



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Konstantine

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separation in progress
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2020, 07:11:13 PM »

Remember the process of devaluation he is likely undergoing. And remember that for a BPD, a breakup is a literal manifestation of their greatest fear: abandonment. This is devastating for them as well.

I was lucky in my situation for a special reason. My BPD partner had a sibling, very close in age, with extremely remarkable behaviour, also clinically diagnosed with BPD. His girlfriend went through my situation, about a year ahead of me.

One thing she told me has stuck with me. Even though her BPD partner cut her off insensitively and cruelly in a way that left her completely devastated and heartbroken, she eventually came to feel that this was a blessing. It forced her to focus on her healing, to not keep crawling back to him, and to separate herself from the unrealistic hope that he would change or get help.

I know I need to heed this advice as much as you right now, but try to pay careful attention to what it is you need right now, in order to heal and move forward. Much love.
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Ragdolllover

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken-up
Posts: 19


« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2020, 05:14:23 AM »

Polar opposite views. What has brought the change of heart, so to speak?

This has been a decision I feel forced in to. When we first broke up I believed there was still hope we might get back together. I was preparing for this. But his behaviour towards me now is final and I think now that getting back together is not an option on the table. So, I need to accept this and go through the detachment process now.

Whats a GP?  ............ So was this separation mutual?........ Staying in contact will promote hope vs uncertainty.......

GP is what we call a doctor or personal physician in the UK sorry. So yes I contacted his doctors surgery and told them of my concern for his health.

The separation was not mutual, he left me. Honestly, we didn’t realise (I think both of us) that is was BPD until the very end. He was diagnosed with clinical depression and so we were dealing with the (now known to be) BPD issues like they were depression issues. I was trying to be supportive, kind, positive, sensitive, open with my feelings, and him too, to support the ‘depression’. He ‘episodes’ of withdrawal we attributed to the depression and I looked at his illness as a temporary thing we could get through together and out the other side pretty painlessly. I’ve had a lot of friends and family who have come through depression, I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s certainly doable... Which is why I put up with the outbursts, claims of invalidation and short periods of withdrawal/silent treatment.

It was only on the final break-up where he said... I think my BPD might be back (he was diagnosed and went through DBT 15 years ago well before I met him), that we were both silenced a bit, looking at each other like... “oh... well... now you mention it....”

He left that night, I spent all night on google, found this website and, wow, everything in our relationship was classic BPD relationship style - I don’t think we were quite at codependency yet, but I was definitely enabling some of his schemas though my lack of understanding.


Let us know how counseling goes.

Counselling was a good first step thanks. Although she did note that I spent most of the time talking about him and his emotions and my worry for him. I have high empathy and when I feel sad about the break-up I can’t help but think, wow, he is probably feeling this but 10 times worse. Then I empathise with him.

I know if he had the choice he wouldn’t have this illness, he’d be with me having fun and being happy. A lot of how he has acted appears to be to protect both him and me. I think when he realised it was BPD coming back to the surface he didn’t want me effected by it, which I think is brave and appreciate. Even though it means I lost him and I miss him.

So my feelings... as my therapist said... *eyeroll*

I feel heartbroken. I thought I had found my one, I thought he was amazing, special, intelligent, funny, creative... It was so easy at the start and between the ‘episodes’. I worry I’ll never find someone I love so much again.

I feel stupid, gullible, naive and like I may have lost some self-respect for myself for letting him treat me so poorly at times and putting up with it because “the good still outweighs the bad”. Also for believing everything he said and ignoring the red flags...

I feel anxious and worried for him. I hope he can find peace somewhere and somehow, at least enough peace to live.

I feel worried about my own trauma for the future. Will I be able to trust someone again? How will I know what someone says is true? If they tell me they love me, will I believe them?

I feel used and unimportant. Initially I was showered with compliments and affection, now that’s just gone so quickly. He said he wants to go back to his ex. So now I feel like “the other woman”, like I was insignificant and am just a burden to him.

I definitely felt ‘normal’ before I met him. I was stable on my own, not necessarily looking for a relationship. I’ve had good relationships in the past that fizzled out in a ‘normal’ way, I would say. 

I’m knocked now because this relationship came out of nowhere, it swept me up, lifted up my ego to heights I’ve never felt before, feeling ‘love’ and affection like I’ve never experienced, feeling like I could be more than I ever thought I could be. Then it  (he) dropped me from the highest high and left my newly heightened ego broken into a thousand pieces on the cold hard floor...

That’s how I feel.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2020, 05:20:16 AM by Ragdolllover » Logged
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« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2020, 02:41:33 AM »

Why is this so hard to let go? Does it get easier?

because it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you.

you werent ready for this relationship to end. even though it was in a state of separation, you were invested in it. and to be blocked is a hard, final cut off.

Excerpt
This has been a decision I feel forced in to.

i did too. and in this position, a position where you feel forced to give up hope in spite of not wanting to, its always going to be harder.

does it get easier? it does. i dont want to paint it too rosy. i didnt want to let go, but my ex was in a new relationship; i didnt have a choice. it got worse before it got better...every step i took in terms of actively letting go, really hurt, yet, in retrospect, brought me closer to peace. 
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2020, 10:44:13 AM »

Excerpt
I feel stupid, gullible, naive and like I may have lost some self-respect for myself for letting him treat me so poorly at times and putting up with it because “the good still outweighs the bad”. Also for believing everything he said and ignoring the red flags...

Hey Ragdoll, Don't beat yourself up!  BPD is a terrible disorder that leaves destruction in its wake.  As to ignoring red flags  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post), all of us (OK, most of us) have done it.  Who knew about BPD?  It is so far out of the realm of ordinary experience.  Plus, it is natural to think that one can get past the poor treatment from someone one loves.

I suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Be kind to yourself; you've been through an ordeal.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace.  Try to figure out the right path for you.

LuckyJim
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