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Author Topic: Finally parted ways, but facing the aftermath  (Read 432 times)
MariannaR

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« on: October 23, 2020, 12:48:23 PM »

My uBPD partner (best friend) and I have finally decided to part ways, after several attempts.  My T has been strongly advising/encouraging me to cut things off and go no-contact by blocking, etc.  He is saying this because of the trauma cycles we are going through with each fight, and he names it "abusive."  

After each fight, I feel like an empty shell.  It's been incredibly rough emotionally.  I'm quite frankly an emotional mess.  The last "fight" accomplished the break (maybe a positive) but it left me feeling blamed, horrible, unworthy, and shamed.  During the conversation, she asked if I thought of her as "abusive" - I panicked and hemmed and hawed, and finally said "I'm just codependent."  However, long story short, she told me that I was the abusive one, that I constantly hurt her, I'm not even nice to her, and that if this is the "lens" through which I'm choosing to see this friendship, then she's out because she needs to protect herself and me.  All of these things intellectually I know are probably at least somewhat projections or a way to control the inevitable break.  

But my emotional problem is that I can see her point of view.  She truly does feel hurt, and she believes these things about me.  She says her "anger problem" is just her being hurt (I believe this), and my crying/getting emotional is the same thing, just expressed differently that hers.  And that my hurt and lack of trust in her love for me, hurts her.  (I also believe it does).

So, this leaves me battling between my own reality (harder and harder to determine what that is) and her reality, which sadly I feel responsible for.  I made an attempt over the last year to manage this with boundaries, calmness, and non-reactivity.  I feel like a total failure, worse than a failure, I feel like someone whose failure to be loving, kind and boundaried enough, deliberately hurt another human being with a probable mental illness.  How can I ever forgive myself for staying in this for so long?

I would love to know from anyone who has felt this emptiness after breaking, and the bridge back to oneself too long and arduous to try to take - what did you do?  What helped?  Feeling desperate for normalcy and validation today...
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2020, 01:17:33 PM »

Hey MR, No, you didn't fail.  BPD is an incredibly complex disorder.  Give yourself a break.  Don't beat yourself up!  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non, which gets it off their plate.  You task is to decline to take on the blame and guilt.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  So don't internalize her attacks; instead, let them roll off your back.   The first step, in my view, is to put yourself and your needs first, for a change.  Be kind to yourself.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive to be authentic.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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MariannaR

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« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2020, 04:35:38 PM »

Thanks for the encouragement, LuckyJim

Excerpt
It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome

Yes, I agree with this.  I did try to the best of my ability, and the complexity of this disorder is overwhelming.  It is validating to read of others' experiences and be reminded to be authentic and true to myself.  (And forgive myself!)  Staying busy during the day works, but sleeping and early morning are the worst!  Trying to keep in mind that as the day goes on things feel more normal. 

Thanks again.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2020, 10:50:54 AM »

Excerpt
I did try to the best of my ability, and the complexity of this disorder is overwhelming.

Right, MR, you did your best in the face of a baffling disorder.  Now it's time to let go.  Hey, you're human, like the rest of us.  Who knew?  I had never heard of BPD until a therapist mentioned it after I had been married for nine years.  It explained a lot to discover BPD, yet after identifying that my Ex suffered from the disorder, I still thought that I could "crack the code."  Instead, BPD nearly destroyed me.  That's a story for another day, but suffice to say, you are not alone.

LJ

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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2020, 06:01:50 PM »

Did you "deliberately" hurt someone, though? It sounds like your intentions were anything but to deliberately cause harm.

It's difficult for even professionals to deal with personality disorders. Someone who doesn't know anything about them at all will be confused at best when in a relationship that involves PD traits.

It's sad when there is someone we care about who is so ill. As hard as it is, remember that it is not your job (or even within your power) to completely take responsibility for another person, their mental health, their emotional health. That is only something you can do for you.

It is impossible to heal someone else with kindness, love, boundaries, and non-reactivity. These things can reduce conflict, but they cannot change another person's reality. Remember that boundaries are to protect you, and sometimes the only boundary left that will truly protect you from an extremely disordered person is to let go and distance yourself.

How to forgive yourself for hanging in there for so long? You did what you knew to do at the time with the information available to you.

I spent seven years in a very abusive r/s with a uBPD/ASPD man. I tried and tried and tried until there was nothing left, and I still feel twinges of guilt and shame over it. I have been in therapy for a long time and it has helped. I think it takes time and some work on yourself to discover just why you got involved in this kind of r/s and why you held on. That really helped me, to get to the root of why I could not let go for so long. Now, I have a better understanding, and I can have empathy for myself.

You have had empathy for another person in spite of the pain caused to you. See if you can extend empathy to yourself.
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« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2020, 04:41:01 AM »

I would love to know from anyone who has felt this emptiness after breaking, and the bridge back to oneself too long and arduous to try to take - what did you do?  What helped?  

understanding the other parties point of view is a valuable skill. it takes nothing away from you to see this as she sees it.

what has helped me, in many goodbyes in my life, is to understand that sometimes it isnt about who is right or who is wrong. sometimes, regrettably, the damage is too deep. sometimes, there are irreconcilable differences.
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MariannaR

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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2020, 10:09:17 PM »

Did you "deliberately" hurt someone, though? It sounds like your intentions were anything but to deliberately cause harm.

You're right Redeemed and thanks for this reminder.  I hurt her (she says, and I believe her) yet my intentions were just the opposite, to seek reconciliation and connection.  Sadly, that didn't work, but yes you're right about my intentions.

It is impossible to heal someone else with kindness, love, boundaries, and non-reactivity. These things can reduce conflict, but they cannot change another person's reality. Remember that boundaries are to protect you, and sometimes the only boundary left that will truly protect you from an extremely disordered person is to let go and distance yourself.

How to forgive yourself for hanging in there for so long? You did what you knew to do at the time with the information available to you.

These words feel very true; the disorder is hers, and I did try hard with the information I had, and tried to put off the inevitable break.  Being with her was destructive to me (and her, too).  I was so enmeshed and dealing with the daily drama, and being hypervigilant, that now that I'm free, I'm left with the remains of how bad it was for me, and I'm seeing the full extent of the healing that needs to happen.

I spent seven years in a very abusive r/s with a uBPD/ASPD man. I tried and tried and tried until there was nothing left, and I still feel twinges of guilt and shame over it. I have been in therapy for a long time and it has helped. I think it takes time and some work on yourself to discover just why you got involved in this kind of r/s and why you held on. That really helped me, to get to the root of why I could not let go for so long. Now, I have a better understanding, and I can have empathy for myself.


I am sorry you experience this, Redeemed and I am glad you are in therapy and despite the twinges of guilt and shame (I feel a lot of that), that you're able to have empathy for yourself.  I need to also figure out what drew me to this r/s.  Thank you for your encouragement!

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MariannaR

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« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2020, 03:22:28 PM »

understanding the other parties point of view is a valuable skill. it takes nothing away from you to see this as she sees it.

what has helped me, in many goodbyes in my life, is to understand that sometimes it isnt about who is right or who is wrong. sometimes, regrettably, the damage is too deep. sometimes, there are irreconcilable differences.


Yes, sadly, the differences were irreconcilable.  It feels tragic that we both seemed to want this to work at times but couldn't get there.  I got a big need met in this r/s - feeling incredibly seen and heard, but only at times.  And at other times, dismissed and forgotten as she pursued a new "toy."  I wasn't what she needed, and she wasn't good for me.  There's no other solution except to distance and try to move on.
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