Advice please- I need to learn what I'm dealing with

[Amez]

  My relationship has become abusive, we have been working on changing his abusive/entitled thinking and behaviour but we came to a road block with the step where he needs to accept my anger- he starts to rage again. I only had a slight tone to my voice but he can't handle it. He calls me all kinds of names and threatens suicide and that it will all be my fault. It lasts for days. I've spend a weekend in a women's refuge with my son. After his latest episode I did more research and when I read about 'splitting' and other BPD I felt like all the puzzle pieces fell together. I have no doubt that this is what he is experiencing. He would always tell me he was a 'bad person' despite him being very charismatic and generous. He draws a completely blank look when I try to explain that it is possible to have a conflict without it being a breakup. I want to help him, but not at the expense of my own or my 7yr old son's wellbeing. I don't know how to tell him what I've learnt, I'm worried he will react badly and spiral into self loathing again. He is in a very positive and upbeat mood today, I don't want to set him off again, I don't know if I can endure another one of his episodes, it takes him days to calm down. I don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

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[Rev]

My relationship has become abusive, we have been working on changing his abusive/entitled thinking and behaviour but we came to a road block with the step where he needs to accept my anger- he starts to rage again. I only had a slight tone to my voice but he can't handle it. He calls me all kinds of names and threatens suicide and that it will all be my fault. It lasts for days. I've spend a weekend in a women's refuge with my son. After his latest episode I did more research and when I read about 'splitting' and other BPD I felt like all the puzzle pieces fell together. I have no doubt that this is what he is experiencing. He would always tell me he was a 'bad person' despite him being very charismatic and generous. He draws a completely blank look when I try to explain that it is possible to have a conflict without it being a breakup. I want to help him, but not at the expense of my own or my 7yr old son's wellbeing. I don't know how to tell him what I've learnt, I'm worried he will react badly and spiral into self loathing again. He is in a very positive and upbeat mood today, I don't want to set him off again, I don't know if I can endure another one of his episodes, it takes him days to calm down. I don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

Hello Amez, and welcome.

Like I say to all newcomers... sorry that you are here, happy that you found us.

Can you say a bit more - because there is the overlay of the pandemic now ...

1) Are you physically safe?
2) When you say that you have no one to speak to, does that mean that your friends are not supportive or don't understand (for example) or that you don't have access to a social worker?
3) Do you have access to a therapist or at the least a pastor who can build up your courage to lay a boundary?  Laying boundaries is not as easy at it sounds, because sometimes it's really hard to know where to draw the line.  Also when living with an abusive partner, the goal posts shift a lot - it's part of the abuse.
4) Threats of suicide are also part of the abuse/disorder who's aim is to coerce you by keeping you responsible.
5) Is your son yours and not his?  If so, is your son's bio-father in the picture in any way?

This sounds like a really stressful situation for you. And I think you are wise to reach out here and sort things out in a less emotional environment than what it sounds like you are living in.

Reach out anytime.  This is a really supportive place full of people who have been there.  I too came out of an abusive relationship. For me, the turning point came when I stopped asking myself why the abuse was happening and just came to a place where I just said - this is abusive and it's going to stop, no matter what.

Big hugs.

Rev

[Naughty Nibbler]

My relationship has become abusive, we have been working on changing his abusive/entitled thinking and behavior but we came to a road block with the step where he needs to accept my anger- he starts to rage again. I only had a slight tone to my voice but he can't handle it.

If you can't get over your need for him to "accept your anger", you may have unrealistic expectations (at least for the time being).  It could be helpful for you to read the workshop on "Validation/Don't Invalidate".  You can find a link to it from the "Tool's" menu, within the large green band towards the top of the page.

People with BPD behaviors, don't do well with invalidation.  So, it's important to NOT invalidate by word, expression, tone or body language.  Validation of feelings can be a good move, but it can be difficult for some to pull off.  You don't want to validate invalid facts, but validating feelings can be a good thing.

When you refer to being at a "step".  What does that relate to - something you read, or something from a session with a therapist?

[Amez]

Hi Rev,

Thank you for your reply, I am so happy I have found you too, this page as already made a huge difference to how I'm feeling.

Yes, I am physically safe at the moment.

We moved to a new state last year and I have made some friends here, my family is very far away though. It is more the feeling that they won't understand. I feel like when I tell people that he has a mental illness, they will think I am just making excuses for the mistreatment he has subjected me too. I am using the mental health phone services in my area- I have found some great support through the domestic violence helplines. I was feeling a little desperate and quite alone at the time I wrote my post. I do need help with laying boundaries- I am still learning this in every aspect of my life and is something I struggle with outside the relationship.

His threats of suicide scare me. I am having trouble seeing what is the disorder and what is abuse- obviously parts of the disorder cause abusive behaviour. It is very confusing. I am seeing things completely differently after finding the information about BPD, before that I believed his abusive behaviour happened because of an abusive/entitled way of thinking. I have made it very clear to him that he is responsible for his own feelings and actions regarding his suicide threats and told him that I'm taking his threats very seriously, I won't take them as a manipulation and I will take him to a hospital if I feel the need.

Yes, my son is not biologically his. However, my son's biological father has never been in the picture and my son has called my partner 'Dad' since he was 3yrs old, so he is very much in the dad role.

I'm sorry to hear you've also experienced an abusive relationship. My learning about the abusive/unhealthy relationship is what led me to this discovery about BPD. My partner wanted to stay together so we started to learn about how we recover from a domestically abusive relationship but when we start the 'him accepting responsibility part' I knew something was wrong. He changed in an instant and it is like he isn't here anymore, the partner I know is like a different person. I haven't told him yet what I've learnt. I'm arming myself with knowledge first so that I can approach him in the most supportive way. I hope he will feel some comfort by having an answer about why he feels the way he does, he knows something is not quite right. He really believes he is just a bad person. But I see so much good in him too. I plan on telling him tomorrow night, emphasising that this doesn't make him 'defective' but rather gives us a different path to follow as we try to improve the health of ourselves and our relationship- if you have any advice about how to break this to him, I will take it all!

Thank you again for your reply, it means more than you know. X

[Amez]

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

Thank you for your reply. I have had a read from the 'Validation/Don't Invalidate' resource- and I will probably read it again! I think I will read most articles on this page more than once.

Since the moment I that I was reading the info about BPD and I had the light-bulb moment of realising that what I was reading was an exact fit for my partners behaviour- in that moment I realised I would never get what I was hoping for in terms of him taking responsibility for his destructive behaviour. I realised that I was dealing with something completely different and my views on him and our relationship have all shifted. I have accepted that I will not get from him what I had hoped for, as much as that makes me feel a little hurt. I am grateful to finally have an answer about what has been happening in our relationship.

Yes, the 'step' was from the work we were doing to heal an abusive/unhealthy relationship- until a few days ago I thought that was all we were dealing with. We have worked through his beliefs and values about masculinity and relationships, how he views women and how he views himself in relation to our family etc. But when I reached this step with him, I realised something was quite wrong.

I am yet to tell him that I think he has BPD, I plan to have that conversation with him tomorrow. He doesn't understand his own reactions or feelings. But I know he trusts me and I will go into this conversation with all my empathy and support for him. I have never been more certain of anything in my life.

Any further advice about how to tell this to someone would be much appreciated.

Thank you again for your reply. 

[Rev]

I plan on telling him tomorrow night, emphasising that this doesn't make him 'defective' but rather gives us a different path to follow as we try to improve the health of ourselves and our relationship- if you have any advice about how to break this to him, I will take it all!

Thank you again for your reply, it means more than you know. X

Hi Amez - wow - so much self awareness.  Good for you.  That's really impressive.

I'm going to let this sink in a write you back tomorrow.

For now... the one piece of advice I would offer is this - few words... very few words.  Like you are talking to a seven year old.  No joke.

The first boundaries, given what you say here, that I would suggest you set would be internal.  Think of this as putting on protective gear to fight a fire. Your insides are safe, but you are not fighting the full fire. Only bits of it a little at a time because you need to watch where the fire spreads and the gear keeps you safe only to a point.  But if you are strategic, the protective gears takes the beating, not you.  That's what an internal boundary is like.

BPD / NPD is tricky because the disorder causes the person to slide into places that literally make no rational sense except to the person who is trying to protect themselves at any cost. Have you ever seen your little boy get "caught with his hand in the cookie jar", like red handed, and still deny it?  That's what dealing with someone with BPD is like when they fell threatened... and they spend most of their waking hours feeling unsafe and threatened. 

Tread carefully please.  

I'll write you back.

Peace and grace to you.

Rev

ps - here's a good resource - https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=stop+walking+on+eggshells+youtube&docid=607991211370549032&mid=9151EA92B4E6960068269151EA92B4E696006826&view=detail&FORM=VIR

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Amez:
Just throwing out a few opinions to consider.

Since the moment I that I was reading the info about BPD and I had the light-bulb moment of realizing that what I was reading was an exact fit for my partners behavior   

The list of the 7 BPD traits can be found at the link below, to DSM info.  A BPD diagnosis takes 5 of the 7 traits.  Which ones apply to your partner?

The most common situation is that people have a few BPD traits (less than 5).  BPD traits aren't necessarily unique to BPD and many people have a BPD trait or two that surfaces during stressful times.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

I am yet to tell him that I think he has BPD, I plan to have that conversation with him tomorrow.   

It usually doesn't go well when you try to apply a label and inform your partner of that.  Some psychologists steer away from telling a client they have BPD.  It might be best to deal with behaviors and then start with the worst issues first, as opposed to going down an entire list of issues.

Perhaps approach him initially on a need to learn ways to manage his anger & emotions and that some professional help would be the best way to deal with it.