Advice on reaching out following a miscarriage

[Dystrophy]

I’ll start with an intro of tremendous gratitude: This site and the many posts have helped me through one of the worst periods of my life. Thank you all.

My story is similar to so many of yours...I experienced all of the classic BPD gymnastics from a girlfriend of 6 months and left a smoldering ruin of the guy I was a short time before. Remarkable destructive power of relationships with these people.

In addition to the constant push/pull - intense love followed by withholding of the same, weird comments to undercut my confidence, a disturbing sexual history that was constantly referenced and a bi-weekly silent treatment, I was triangulated nearly from the beginning of it. The mention of her exes, sexual acts with each of them and the eventual proof that she was in contact with MOST of them drove me crazy. She asked me, “Do you trust me?” at least twice a week. She asked me “Do you love me?” nearly every day.

And of course, I did love her... or I should say, I loved her potential when she was at her best.

So, I come here today not to share another formulaic story of an intense romance flavored with anxiety and uncertainty, I’m here to ask advice.

Around month 2 of our relationship, I got her pregnant. I already had misgivings about her and by that point my gut was sending up flares in rapid succession. I couldn’t shake the feeling that this woman was broken... or evil... or lying to me... or all of it.
I did what I thought was the right thing though: I offered her love and support and told her that if she wanted to keep the pregnancy I would be there 100%. She decided to keep it and honestly, I got excited! The prospect of being a father hadn’t been presented to me yet in life and I thought, “I can make anything work, I can make this work.” I’m financially stable and sorted in life, so that helped. She was obviously a wild card but I figured if I just showed her constant love and support we’d get through it in one piece.

Anyway, around 9 weeks she miscarried. It was a “missed miscarriage” which means that the non-viable embryo was still in her uterus. Doctors hoped it would pass normally. It didn’t. The process of the miscarriage was intense - multiple rounds of abortive medication followed by a surgical procedure to remove the remnants. I never left her side. She stayed in my house and rode out the storm. I did everything in my power to make her comfortable, everything a human could do to insure her well being and safety. It was the most intense 8 days of my life. In addition to the emotional trauma of the miscarriage on my psyche, I watched someone I loved suffer tremendous physical pain.

She went away following  her recovery and then shortly after  accused me of cheating on her with a random female friend. She broke up with me. I waited... confused, dying on the inside. Two weeks later I get a text like nothing happened...
 
We got back together and again it seemed all was magical and right in the world. Shortly after this period she became distant, disaffected and glued to her phone. She talked about the guys that were texting her... I asked her to stop... she said I was insecure and I needed to work on my jealousy issues. One night, it went too far, I lost my mind. I texted one of her orbiters angrily and his girlfriend telling her that this guy(her  boyfriend) was texting my girlfriend. Complete meltdown -  Not proud of a single minute of it,  but I can now connect the dots to see how I got there. The whole thing was a disgrace.

She broke up with me immediately. She blocked me on all platforms and in our last conversation she said, “you don’t respect women, I’m afraid of you... I need to protect my friends, my family and myself.” I never said a harsh word to this woman and only showed her love and support, unfortunately I wanted loyalty in return...

Our due date for the miscarried child is approaching. I haven’t spoken to her in months - not a text... nothing. She’s disordered, I know this but I still have compassion and some type of love for her still. We can’t be together because I know too much now and I’m in a great relationship with a beautiful, smart, successful woman who is an awesome  match for my personality and life goals.

So... here’s where I need advice:

Should I reach out to my BPD ex on our due date? I want to tell her I haven’t forgotten... I want her to know I care in a way that a man should care about the mother of his child - miscarriage or not. We shared something profound together. What happened changed both of us. I guess I feel like it’s the human thing to do but I’m also fairly convinced she hates me and hearing from me would just cause drama. What would you do?
 
Any thoughts appreciated.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Dystrophy-

Welcome to BPDfamily.

I am deeply sorry for the pain you’ve experienced, both with the loss of your dream of having the child and of what you endured during and after your relationship.

If you’re truly asking for advice, mine would be to observe your grief quietly alone.  Light a candle, say prayers in your own way, perhaps take a good, therapeutic walk.  But don’t contact your exBPD girlfriend in any way for anything. 

You can think of your ex from a distance, hold compassion for her from a distance.  Your life, your emotional wellbeing, your current relationship and your future are safer this way.

If you open that door, the chances are she WILL come crashing back into your life in some way, shape or form...leaving you with more regret and sadness.  Some relationships and losses need to stay in the past.

I’m deeply sorry.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Turkish]

That's gut wrenching, Dystrophy, and painful on many levels. I can't say anything better other than what Gemsforeyes offered, which I think is prefect.

[once removed]

i would likewise echo what gems said.

i have a number of exes. some are in my life, some arent. most were bad breakups...they were not on the level that involved the pain of a miscarriage, but there was a lot of pain and resentment.

its nearly unimaginable, a situation in which reaching out would be well received, which, i figure is your goal.

how are you holding up?

[Dystrophy]

Thanks, guys.

Yeah... my gut has been agreeing with you guys; my heart has said to reach out and comfort her. She took the miscarriage hard - we both did.

It’s just sad to think that this woman who (when times were good) told me she loved me like no other and was so excited to have a baby. There’s something so soft and normal and lovable there. Yet, she couldn’t maintain any semblance of a relationship that was respectful. I see it both ways. I’m mad at her - she did so much manipulative, destructive PLEASE READ in our time together but I think she genuinely did want a good loving relationship. She’s just broken and her relationship history indicates that nothing really ever works out for her.

Anyway, it’s the fixer in me that made me stay with her in the first place and obviously that part of me is still trying to solve the problems. There truly are no problems left to solve though for me... she’s on a journey and no amount of texting “comfort” will help. She needs therapy, lots of it.