Help in dealing with personal situation

[Iamblessed]

My sister is diagnosed with bpd and I am dealing with a situation where I need opinion on.

My mother and my sister stay together and me, my wife and my daughter stay in a different house in the same apartment complex. Earlier, we all used to stay together in same house but since it was not working, we moved to a different apartment. The house where my mom and sister live is owned by us ( in the name of me and my mom). The house where I, my wife and kid stay is rented for past 7 years. Me, my wife and my mother believe that financially, it will be in best interest that we buy 2 houses in same apartment complex. For doing that, we will need to sell the house where my mom and sister stay since it is a larger house and buy 2 smaller houses.

When I spoke to my mom and sister, my sister mentioned that  she is not ok with that since the house carries memories for he and if we have to do that, she would like to move to a new apartment very far from where we stay. And that she would like to stay far from us since that way we might be able to appreciate the importance of each other. In past, she has spoken about it multiple times and tried 1-2 times to move to a different place but has eventually come back in few days.

She was also concerned about the fact that she will have to stay alone after Mom is no more. She wants us to stay together which does not look to be possible in current situation.

My mom says that if sister moves to a different place, she will move with her. I am also concerned about her having make changes at 71 years of age. She does suffer from Parkinson's disease.

Questions on my mind -

1. What is the impact of her staying alone after Mom? Does it lead to abandonment feeling and could be trigger for suicide ?

2. Will she move to a far place considering her history that she has tried before and come back within few days ?

3. If she does move away, will she be able to sustain herself and mom ?  She is financially dependent on me today although in past, she was employed.

4. Is there a way to handle all this in a amicable way and convince my sister to buy 2 houses in same Apartment complex by selling current one so that I can support her financially and whenever possible emotionally too.

5. I can buy a new house without selling the current house in which my mom and sister stay but that would mean too much financial pressure on me. Should I go for that option ?
 I am diabetic already and ideally wouldnt like to take too much stress at this stage.

All these questions are cause of worry and anxiety for me. Any thoughts out of your experience would be welcome.

[formflier]

Your sister (the pwBPD if I get this right) obviously has an opinion, does she have a financial stake in this?

Does she pay for where she lives now?

Can she pay for where she may live in the future?

After understanding these answers better...I'll give better advice.

OBTW..I've done lots of real estate, so I love working on these kinds of problems.

I do see a note about her being financially dependent on you...I want to understand that better, how did this come to be?  Is she thankful for your support?  How is that expressed?


Best,

FF

[Iamblessed]

No she doesn't pay and cannot pay in near future. She is thankful for the support and expresses that verbally.

[formflier]

So...if she doesn't have a financial stake in this...how does she have a say?

Wouldn't she be thankful to have a roof over her head...for free, wherever that roof might be?

Best,

FF

[Iamblessed]

She doesn't have financial say, but her opinion is that if we have to sell the existing house, then  she will like to stay far away from me. My mom will go with her. Both staying far from me makes me anxious for their future and how well they will be able to sustain.

[formflier]

  Both staying far from me makes me anxious for their future and how well they will be able to sustain.

Sure..I can see that.

If they figure it out, then I would say you would be much more relaxed in the future...right?

And if they don't figure it out, I would have to assume they will figure out a way to get back to the source of their help (which appears to be you)

I'm curious about something...if you sell the house, why would they move far away?  Why not  a medium distance...or a short one?

Do they have a place they have been dreaming about for years to move away to?  That's what it seems like...I mean, why else would they move so far away?  (probably me missing something in the story)

Best,

FF

[Iamblessed]

Thank you FF for your views. Really appreciate it.

Two reasons why sister wants to move away -

1. She says there is too much negativity in our relationship. We might value relationships better if we stay far and  will realize what are we doing wrong in our relationship. She also says it is possible that I realize my part.

2. Staying far would mean they stay at a less costly place and hence the financial burden on me gets reduced.

[formflier]

2. Staying far would mean they stay at a less costly place and hence the financial burden on me gets reduced.

If they moved away...you would still be supporting them financially?

Best,

FF

[Iamblessed]

Mostly yes.. I don't know whether my sister will be able to support herself.

[formflier]

How did you become responsible for another adult?  (your sister)

Do you take it as a "threat" that she will move far away?


In my world (I do quite a bit of real estate), I would think it appropriate to say

"Hey..I own this property and if you would like to live there in exchange for (fill in the barter deal)...I'd be willing to help you out.  No offense taken on my part if you would rather sort this out on your own.  Let me know how I can best be a cheerleader to you."

Something like that. 

Let me ask this another way.  How do you provide financial support and also avoid creating dependency and entitlement?

Best,

FF

[Iamblessed]

Thanks FF for your inputs. Appreciate them and helping me to shape up my mind.Here are my reflections on this -

FF - How did you become responsible for another adult?  (your sister)

Me -
Have a question on this since I am still understanding the bpd world - Are people with bpd able to take care of taking care of themselves financially ? In past, my sister used to do a job, but she couldn't sustain it citing differences with people in office and politics. She does some run small business, but it is not enough to sustain a lifestyle. Also not very regular income.

FF -
Do you take it as a "threat" that she will move far away?

Me -

Yes, I do. I am concerned about her wellbeing and of mom too.. mom will also move with her.

FF -
In my world (I do quite a bit of real estate), I would think it appropriate to say

"Hey..I own this property and if you would like to live there in exchange for (fill in the barter deal)...I'd be willing to help you out.  No offense taken on my part if you would rather sort this out on your own.  Let me know how I can best be a cheerleader to you."

Something like that. 

Me -
Thanks .. that helps..I will put it appropriately in my context

FF -
Let me ask this another way.  How do you provide financial support and also avoid creating dependency and entitlement?

Me -
In past, I have reduced the financial support that I am providing to indicate that she needs to think of sustaining herself.

[formflier]

How much does she earn?

The key is that her actions and success need to be what regulate her earnings and lifestyle.

So...for every x number of dollars she earns, you will put in a dollar..(or some amount)

If she chooses to reduce the amount she earns...then your contribution follows.  She increases...yours follows.

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[Iamblessed]

Yes..that does make sense. Let me bring it up at an appropriate moment. Thanks FF !

I did discuss the home situation with my sister and the discussion has been constructive so far. Waiting for it to close in a good note.

[formflier]

I would make sure that the discussion is "informative" to her and not really asking for her to get onboard.


Can you take me back in time and catch me up on how things got to this point.

How many years of her life did she support herself?  Then what?

Best,

FF