How do you trust your BPD spouse after infidelity?

[Bucky88]

I discovered a month ago that my husband, who has BPD, has had multiple affairs over the last 5 years. They all started and occurred via social media (fbook, messenger, snap chat).  During the process of him coming clean about the affairs he shared with me that he has BPD.  Knowing this now, his behaviors and issues make much more sense. He had shared his history with me early on in our relationship ship.  He was sexually abused, had a horrible mother, fear of abandonment, bad relationships, etc. I would say he is a high functioning BPD. We are trying to work through this and want our relationship to continue. We are each receiving counseling. I am just so hurt and shocked that he did this to me and for so long.  We had issues in our relationship. We were both emotionally and intimately withdrawn from each other.  This is why he says he sought attention/affection from other women. He wasn't getting from me what he desperately needed.

I am struggling to understand how he could do this and why now he is willing to stop having affairs and seek help.  He says he didn't love any of them, yet I found letters where he told one he did. I want to forgive him and work on our relationship and future, but I am struggling with trust and believing him.  How do I learn to trust him? I am so fearful he will, do this again because of the BPD.

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[EyesUp]

Very sorry you're going through this.

I think you already know that there are no easy answers.

I just want to say you're not alone:  My WW has a similar description - high functioning, history of clinical depression and anxiety - but no formal BPD diagnosis.  Her psych recently prescribed Buspar, so perhaps her behavior is finally receiving the right attention from her providers.

I am carefully navigating how to manage the relationship - on one hand, the behaviors are totally predictable.  On the other hand, they remain somehow very difficult to manage.  It's counterintuitive.

What I do know is:  It's increasingly important for me to know my boundaries.

It's been very beneficial for me to read others' experiences and insights here.

A partner with BPD is difficult, but adding infidelity to the mix is an extra layer of pain. You're not alone in this.